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| Posted by 5th Beatle on 08-Aug-2005 | Your Butts Getting Big HunAlan and his wife, Debbie, are working in the garden. Debbie bends over to rip up weeds.
'Wow, Debbie,' Alan says. 'Your butt is getting really wide.'
'No, it's not!' Debbie says.
Debbie walks towards the barbecue grill to throw the weeds in a trash can.
'Your butt is getting so big that it's almost wider than the grill!' Alan says.
He gets a tape measure and measures Debbie and the grill.
'Ha,' Alan says. 'Your butt's the same exact size as the grill!'
Debbie ignores Alan's comments and refuses to speak to him for three days. On the fourth night, they're lying in bed watching television.
'I could sure use some lovin',' Alan says.
Debbie looks over at him and yells, 'Don't think for one minute that I'm going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie!'
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| Posted by sorin s. dohanes on 14-Aug-2005 | Marital AdviceA man was having marital problems. So he went to his shrink for advice.
The shrink says "when you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make made passionate love to her."
In two weeks the man was back in the shrinks office.
The shrink asked "how did it go?"
The man said "she didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a kick out of it!!"
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| Posted by "Leppy" on 09-Aug-2005 | DoorknobA husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, ripped her knickers off and gave her one there and then.
When he finished he started putting his clothes on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door.
"What's wrong? Didn't you come? Do you want more?"
His wife said, "No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Gina G on 14-Aug-2005 | Half And HalfFour close friends who lived in the same apartment building are
enjoying the boardgame they are playing until a woman walks in
and slams the door behind her. "You created an I hate Annie
Knoller Club!" " Well Ya Annie." "Just what do you do in this
club?" " Just make up rumors, they aren't that bad." " so what's
this rumor that you made up?" "Well, nothing much, just that
your parents flipped a coin and it landed as tails so ignoring
the fact that you were female you would be treated as you had
male reproductive parts." "so you gave me a teenie weenie!?" "Ya
pretty much" " Well I have a rumor about you too, it's that you
made out with the 50 yrs. old libarian during high school" " How
did you know?" " I thought I made it up" "I had no idea you
liked the libarian" " she was pretty damn ugly dude" " Hey well
she looked 16 and not 50!"
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| Posted by Labblue* on 14-Aug-2005 | The anniversery giftOne day a woman needed to get something for her husband for
their anniversery. She decides that it would be really nice to
get him a pet. So she goes to the local pet store and goes
straight to the front desks and asks the person at the counter
"I need a present for my husband for are anniversery what type
of pet should I get him?" she asked. "Well we have plenty of
dogs and men allways like dogs" he said. "No, that wont do
because he is allergic to them". "I know, I have just the thing"
as he says this he runs into the back of the store. A few
minutes later comes back with a cage and inside it is a huge
toad. "This is one of my most valued possesions and I'm willing
to give it to you for only fifty dollars" the clerk says. "I'm
not going to pay fifty dollars for a toad" she yells. "Well this
isn't any ordinarry toad it gives the best blow jobs in the
world". "Well his anniversery is tomorrow and I do really need a
gift so I guess I'll take it" and then she bought the toad and
went straight home. The next day the husband recieves his gift
and says "a toad is that all I get?". "Its not any toad it
supposedlly gives the best blow jobs ever and cant you just at
least try it once?". He agrees a gives it a try and the clerk
was right. The toad gave him the best blow job he has ever had.
The next night the wife is about to fall asleep when she hears a
lot of noise coming down stairs like pots and pans being banged
togeather. So she goes down stairs to see what the noise is. The
wife sees the husband doing something with the toad and she asks
"what are you doing"? The husband replies "If I can teach this
toad to cook then your out of here bitch".
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| Posted by Its All Good on 08-Aug-2005 | Control Sex DriveQ: What food decreases a womans sex drive by 90%
A: wedding cake
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| Posted by Gen_Aftertaste on 09-Aug-2005 | Quickie?Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
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| Posted by Amy M. Poh on 14-Aug-2005 | How's My Cat?Jim asked his friend Terri if he would watch his cat while he's
on vacation. "Not a problem." Terri says. One day after his
vacation starts Jim calls Terri to see how his cat is doing.
Terri tells him the cat died.
Jim goes beserk, "Why on the first day of my vacation do you
tell me my cat died. You could have said she was missing, then
the next time I call you could of said she was in the tree but
you couldn't get her down. Then when I call again you could say
she is on the roof and you're trying to coax her down. Then the
next time I call tell me she fell off the roof and died. This
way I could enjoy my vacation while you strung me along about
the condition of my cat. Is there anything else I should know?"
Terri replies, "Yeah, your mom is up on the roof. Follow this up
with a nice rim shot!"
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| Posted by stuart g. west on 14-Aug-2005 | Pack for Fishing TripA man called his wife from work one Friday afternoon and told
her to pack his bags for a fishing trip. He told her that he and
some guys from work were going fishing for the weekend. "Pack
some clothes, get out my fishing poles and tackle box, and don't
forget my blue silk pajamas," he explained to her. The wife
agreed and when he got home he picked up his stuff and said
goodbye.
Sunday night the man returned home and his wife asked, "How was
your fishing trip?" The man responded, "It was great but you
forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas!" "No I didn't," she
replied, "I put them in your tackle box!"
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| Posted by Jason Bassett on 14-Aug-2005 | Going OutMy parents had not been out together in quite some time. One
Saturday, as mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father
stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he
asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes,
I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the
evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had
actually been directed to the family dog, laying near mom's feet
on the kitchen floor.
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