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| Posted by Vince Joebob on 09-Aug-2005 | TrainA man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out, with a glint in his eye, and says "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
Submitted by ¤??rt?§¤
Edited by Clark Kent
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| Posted by carl e. ashworth on 09-Aug-2005 | Hell, yes!A young lady comes home from a date rather sad.
She tells her mother, "He proposed to me an hour ago."
"So why are you upset?" her mother asks.
"Because he also told me he’s an atheist. He doesn’t even believe there’s a hell!"
Her mother replies, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is."
Submitted by ¤??rt?§¤
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by Rebecca Ozment L. Ozment on 09-Aug-2005 | ProstitutionA man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
"What are you doing?" He says.
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Sydney too, I want to see you live on $800 a year".
Submitted by ¤??rt?§¤
Edited by calamjo
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| Posted by Kyra S. Travis on 09-Aug-2005 | Tiger, the tigerA couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Submitted by ¤??rt?§¤
Edited by yisman
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| Posted by Vjc on 09-Aug-2005 | Black or white...?Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by funnychica17 on 09-Aug-2005 | SurgeryAn old Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery.
He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to be put under anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't
go well, if something happens to me ... Your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by yisman
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| Posted by Anashel k. Hall on 09-Aug-2005 | Church BellsOn hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by calamjo and yisman
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| Posted by Max Willman on 09-Aug-2005 | The in-lawsA couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband says sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yes," the wife replies, "In-laws."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
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| Posted by Gus Scoom on 09-Aug-2005 | 20 year anniversaryA woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman, Tantilazing and Curtis again
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| Posted by Don S. Peterson on 09-Aug-2005 | Deep freezeA man walks into a drug store.
He walks up to the counter and asks for a box of condoms.
After paying, he takes the condoms and walks out the door.
A few blocks up the street the man walks into an ice cream shop.
He pulls out a condom and says to the waiter, "Could you fill this up with ice cream please?"
The waiter is rather surprised, but thinks that as long as the man pays, who cares what he gets the ice cream in.
So the waiter fills the condom with ice cream, and hands it back to the man.
His curiosity gets the better of him so he asks, "I'm curious to know why you want the ice cream in a condom, of all things!"
The man replies "Well, it's my wife’s birthday today and all week she has been dropping hints about getting a deep freeze, and anything my wife wants, she's going to get!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
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