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| Posted by Ellsworth on 14-Aug-2005 | My Husband Is No Fun...A woman walked into the doctors and said, "My Husband Is No Fun.
He never wants love, never wants sex. Everytime I ask him to
shag me it's not the usual "I'll think about it," it's just a
blatent "No!" He hides his dick from me, he sleeps in bed with
his pyjamas on, he never gets an erection. His sex life is
simply awful."
The doctor said, "I think you need to give him this viagra
pill," and handed him a yellowish coloured pill.
"No no no no no no no! He won't take it. He's awful with pills
and he dosen't want to be aroused," the woman replied.
The doctor said, "Just stick in his tea then. he won't notice."
The woman replied, "He dosen't like tea."
"What does he like then? Coffee?" the doctor asked.
"Yes," the woman replied.
"OK," the doctor said. "Come back when you've tried it."
So within the next week she was back.
"It was awful," she replied. "He climbed on me as if he was in a
trance. He kept going on and on about how much he wanted to shag
me and to lick my cunt. He felt my tits, snogged me against my
will and even got his dick out of his fly and stuck it in my
face."
"Hmmmmmm," the doctor replied. "Well how can that be really bad?
It was what you wanted wasn't it?"
"Yes," the woman replied. "But I don't think it'd be a good idea
to show my face in McDonalds again."
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| Posted by Marc C. Fryer on 12-Aug-2005 | TrainA man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
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| Posted by Kevin McGee on 09-Aug-2005 | CheatersThree men are sitting at a bar and each admits that he thinks his wife is cheating on him.
"I found a hammer and a tool belt under my bed yesterday," the first man says. "I think my wife is sleeping with a carpenter."
"Well, I found a medical bag under my bed yesterday," the second man admits. "I think my wife is sleeping with a doctor."
"That's nothing," the third man says. "When I came home yesterday, I found a cowboy under my bed.I think my wife is screwing a horse."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Caitlin l. Lopez on 14-Aug-2005 | Swapping Wife for Season TicketCarol was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed
in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to
this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is
offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Carol said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Carol said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
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| Posted by nay-nay12 on 14-Aug-2005 | Really Expensive BarbieA guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown Cleveland
and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie
dolls? My daughter's birthday is today and I have to get
something she will love!"
She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have:
*Fashion Barbie @ $15.95
*Vacation Barbie @ $15.95
*Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and
*Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment,"Why is "Divorcee Barbie so much?
She looks the same to me."
The assistant answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes
complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's golf clubs, his
season tickets to the Tribe and the Browns, his Gold MasterCard,
his yacht and his summer home. All items that would usually be
sold seperately....."
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| Posted by Smoker Wiedman on 14-Aug-2005 | Tie her to the treeOne day I was shopping at my local drugstore when I noticed a
new face behind the pharmaceutical counter. She was drop dead
gorgeous and a beutiful set of tits to match. Well it didn't
take a minute to turn on the flirt and ask this chick out for
that very evening.
I approach her parents home to be greeted by
her dad who is suspiciouslly pleased to meet me. I go on to
realize a minute later why he was so pleased. What I couldn't
have realized from the drug store floor was that Vicky suffered
paraylazation from the waist down. Without hesitation or suprise
I pretended I knew all along not to upset Vicky.
Okay movie, dinner and yada yada yada and we
wind up at look out point. I'm figuring if I luck out, blow job!
I hit the jackpot, this bitch lets me tie her to the tree to
bang her!!!
I get her home and kiss goodnight, going back to
my car her father approaches and hands me a hundred dollar bill.
I refuse saying I really didn't mind and It wouldn't be right
for me to accept money just for taking out someone who was
handicapped.
He retorts no this is a thank you for saving me the
15th trip of having to go unttie her from that tree!!!!!
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| Posted by Melissa A. Mcclain on 14-Aug-2005 | Newspaper ArticleA woman was lonely so she posted an add in the newspaper that
said " I want a man who cant choke me, cant run away from me and
has good sex." then 2 weeks later a guy with no arms,and no legs
came and said "im the man youve been waiting for honey!" then
she says how do you fit the description???'" and he said "well i
have no arms so i cant choke you and i have no legs so i cant
run away from you" then she said" well how do i know you have
good sex" and he said "how do you think i open the door"
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| Posted by kyle on 14-Aug-2005 | The 5 Toughest Questions Women AskThe 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if
the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question,
of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am
to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely
one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was
asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said,
"I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many
wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is,
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you
may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question
is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and
then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the
question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were
starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or
an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct
response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love,
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have
meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front
tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This
might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by
the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why
do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear
my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
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| Posted by Amy Hakwkins on 09-Aug-2005 | Give me a signA middle age couple was really having a hard time communicating about sex.
To fix this problem they agreed to seek advice.
When they went to the shrink he told them that they had to give each other clearer signs and maybe they sould be more open about it.
When they came home the wife told her husband that when ever he wanted to have sex he should squeeze her breasts once and when he didn't to squeeze them twice.
The man agreed, and then told his wife that when she wanted to have sex she should pull on his penis once, and when she didn't to pull it 150 times.
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| Posted by bubba joe on 14-Aug-2005 | Sex N FootballDo you remember primary school/junior high/high school? Do you
remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?... Well
forget 'em!! This is **FOOTBALL**. With the all new standardized
guide to Football, you can forget any of the previous
complications of having to remember what second base was or any
of that shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in Baseball
and not Football! Quite simply, Baseball is a boring, confusing,
and often an ambiguous game especially when trying to compare it
to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the
soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at.
Basically the game of Football is one big sex metaphor. No one
has discovered that yet, but as you will soon see, the
complications of modern romance are easily solved here, in The
Original Handbook of Football!
Okay now for the yard lines. your 10 yrd ln.....holding hands "
20 yrd ln.....hugging " 30 yrd ln.....kiss on the cheek " 40 yrd
ln.....kiss on the mouth " 50 yrd ln.....tongue kiss (mid-field
means it's serious) his/her 40 yrd ln.....shirt and bra off
(feeling and carousing) 30 yrd ln.....all clothes off (genital
contact, mutual masturbation) 20 yrd ln.....oral sex 1st and
goal..put on the condom Goal line.....touchdown (sexual
intercourse)
Now for some important definitions:
Kickoff-- making the first move (asking for a date) Kicking it
deep-- asking out a virgin (starting out deep in your own end)
On-side kick-- asking out a slut/stud (starting out close to
mid-field) Kick returns-- how far you go on the first date
Downs-- attempt to get more yards (2 down and then you have to
punt again) -- you get an extra down in the NFL Running the
ball-- taking it a yard at a time Passing-- skipping stages /
yards Fumble-- impotency Fumble recovery-- regain erection
Interception-- going the other way (homosexuality) Turnover--
anal sex Field Goal-- only one of you has orgasm (she fakes it)
Touchdown-- mutual orgasm Extra point-- the smoke afterwards 2
point conversion-- a smoke and a phone # High Scoring
Game--multiple orgasms Rain delay-- Parents/ roomate comes back
early
Some important positions: Quarterback-- the most important
placement (missionary position) Quarterback sneak-- unusual
positions Hupper (center)-- doggie style Tight End--
self-explanatory Wide Receiver-- opposite of a tight end Nose
Tackle-- self-explanatory Running Back-- a hand off Defensive
Line-- protection (all forms) Break in the defense-- condom
breaks
Penalties: Roughing--S & M Holding-- rope burn or hand cuffs
Offside-- premature ejactulation
Other important terms: Pile up-- orgy Tackle-- kick in groin
(stopped) Miss the FG-- wide right, wide left, or short 3rd down
and inches-- call for yard stick (measurements) Superbowl--
marriage Grey Cup-- live in (not full status) Fiesta Bowl-- Sex
in South America
The Plays: Play 1. There was on an on-side kick to what I
thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end,
so there was a turnover. Play 2. The ball was kicked deep with
no return. I ran the ball to mid-field but decided to go to the
passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a rain
delay. When the game resumed, the next down was when the running
back took it to the 10 yard line. With 1st and goal, the action
moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback and then thre was a
quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring
Fiesta Bowl ever!! Play 3. I was tacked in the massive pile
up... Play 4. It was 3rd down and inches on the 20 yard line but
on the Field Goal attempt I was short. Play 5. I was kicked out
of the pile up; I was holding and roughing.
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