My Husband Is No Fun...
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): My Husband Is No Fun...


Posted by Ellsworth on 14-Aug-2005

My Husband Is No Fun...

A woman walked into the doctors and said, "My Husband Is No Fun.
He never wants love, never wants sex. Everytime I ask him to
shag me it's not the usual "I'll think about it," it's just a
blatent "No!" He hides his dick from me, he sleeps in bed with
his pyjamas on, he never gets an erection. His sex life is
simply awful."

The doctor said, "I think you need to give him this viagra
pill," and handed him a yellowish coloured pill.

"No no no no no no no! He won't take it. He's awful with pills
and he dosen't want to be aroused," the woman replied.

The doctor said, "Just stick in his tea then. he won't notice."

The woman replied, "He dosen't like tea."

"What does he like then? Coffee?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," the woman replied.

"OK," the doctor said. "Come back when you've tried it."

So within the next week she was back.

"It was awful," she replied. "He climbed on me as if he was in a
trance. He kept going on and on about how much he wanted to shag
me and to lick my cunt. He felt my tits, snogged me against my
will and even got his dick out of his fly and stuck it in my
face."

"Hmmmmmm," the doctor replied. "Well how can that be really bad?
It was what you wanted wasn't it?"

"Yes," the woman replied. "But I don't think it'd be a good idea
to show my face in McDonalds again."


   

1 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Wrong hole


Posted by Emz on 14-Aug-2005

Wrong hole

One day this man went to Japan. He was with his buddy and his
buddies' girlfriend and he was getting alittle jealous cause he
didn't have a gurl to hang out with. So, he talked to his buddy
about it, and his buddy got him hooked up with a prostitute. She
couldn't speak english, but the gut was like "What the hell!, At
least i'm still getttin' sum!" So the next night he was in the
back of one of the bandwagons fucking her. She kept on screaming
"VIA NO PEEA! VIA NO PEEA!" Now, this guy new nothing about
Japenese, so he figured she was just having this MAJOR orgasm.
The next day, the guy was out playing gulf with his buddy. His
buddy swung the golf club, and hit the ball through a hole in
the tree. He was very frustrated, and started talking in
Japanese. "VIA NO PEEA!" Now, the man reconized that phrase, so
he asked his buddy what it meant. His buddy looked at him and
said "wrong hole".

   

3 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Train


Posted by Marc C. Fryer on 12-Aug-2005

Train

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
   

2 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Cheaters


Posted by Kevin McGee on 09-Aug-2005

Cheaters

Three men are sitting at a bar and each admits that he thinks his wife is cheating on him.

"I found a hammer and a tool belt under my bed yesterday," the first man says. "I think my wife is sleeping with a carpenter."

"Well, I found a medical bag under my bed yesterday," the second man admits. "I think my wife is sleeping with a doctor."

"That's nothing," the third man says. "When I came home yesterday, I found a cowboy under my bed.I think my wife is screwing a horse."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
   

3 people have rated this joke:
6.33/10
     

Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Swapping Wife for Season Ticket


Posted by Caitlin l. Lopez on 14-Aug-2005

Swapping Wife for Season Ticket

Carol was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed
in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to
this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is
offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Carol said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Carol said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

   

1 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Really Expensive Barbie


Posted by nay-nay12 on 14-Aug-2005

Really Expensive Barbie

A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown Cleveland
and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie
dolls? My daughter's birthday is today and I have to get
something she will love!"
She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have:

*Fashion Barbie @ $15.95
*Vacation Barbie @ $15.95
*Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and
*Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"


The guy asks in astonishment,"Why is "Divorcee Barbie so much?
She looks the same to me."

The assistant answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes
complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's golf clubs, his
season tickets to the Tribe and the Browns, his Gold MasterCard,
his yacht and his summer home. All items that would usually be
sold seperately....."

   

2 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Tie her to the tree


Posted by Smoker Wiedman on 14-Aug-2005

Tie her to the tree

One day I was shopping at my local drugstore when I noticed a
new face behind the pharmaceutical counter. She was drop dead
gorgeous and a beutiful set of tits to match. Well it didn't
take a minute to turn on the flirt and ask this chick out for
that very evening.
I approach her parents home to be greeted by
her dad who is suspiciouslly pleased to meet me. I go on to
realize a minute later why he was so pleased. What I couldn't
have realized from the drug store floor was that Vicky suffered
paraylazation from the waist down. Without hesitation or suprise
I pretended I knew all along not to upset Vicky.
Okay movie, dinner and yada yada yada and we
wind up at look out point. I'm figuring if I luck out, blow job!
I hit the jackpot, this bitch lets me tie her to the tree to
bang her!!!
I get her home and kiss goodnight, going back to
my car her father approaches and hands me a hundred dollar bill.
I refuse saying I really didn't mind and It wouldn't be right
for me to accept money just for taking out someone who was
handicapped.
He retorts no this is a thank you for saving me the
15th trip of having to go unttie her from that tree!!!!!

   

1 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Newspaper Article


Posted by Melissa A. Mcclain on 14-Aug-2005

Newspaper Article

A woman was lonely so she posted an add in the newspaper that
said " I want a man who cant choke me, cant run away from me and
has good sex." then 2 weeks later a guy with no arms,and no legs
came and said "im the man youve been waiting for honey!" then
she says how do you fit the description???'" and he said "well i
have no arms so i cant choke you and i have no legs so i cant
run away from you" then she said" well how do i know you have
good sex" and he said "how do you think i open the door"

   

1 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask


Posted by kyle on 14-Aug-2005

The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask

The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers

The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if
the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question,
of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am
to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely
one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was
asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said,
"I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many
wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is,
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you
may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question
is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and
then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the
question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were
starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or
an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct
response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.


5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love,
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have
meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front
tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This
might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by
the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why
do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear
my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

   

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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): What Is A Penis


Posted by Lokito G. Loko on 12-Aug-2005

What Is A Penis

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey," she says, "now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is?"

He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off. "*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!"
   

1 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Sex N Football


Posted by bubba joe on 14-Aug-2005

Sex N Football

Do you remember primary school/junior high/high school? Do you
remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?... Well
forget 'em!! This is **FOOTBALL**. With the all new standardized
guide to Football, you can forget any of the previous
complications of having to remember what second base was or any
of that shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in Baseball
and not Football! Quite simply, Baseball is a boring, confusing,
and often an ambiguous game especially when trying to compare it
to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the
soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at.
Basically the game of Football is one big sex metaphor. No one
has discovered that yet, but as you will soon see, the
complications of modern romance are easily solved here, in The
Original Handbook of Football!

Okay now for the yard lines. your 10 yrd ln.....holding hands "
20 yrd ln.....hugging " 30 yrd ln.....kiss on the cheek " 40 yrd
ln.....kiss on the mouth " 50 yrd ln.....tongue kiss (mid-field
means it's serious) his/her 40 yrd ln.....shirt and bra off
(feeling and carousing) 30 yrd ln.....all clothes off (genital
contact, mutual masturbation) 20 yrd ln.....oral sex 1st and
goal..put on the condom Goal line.....touchdown (sexual
intercourse)

Now for some important definitions:

Kickoff-- making the first move (asking for a date) Kicking it
deep-- asking out a virgin (starting out deep in your own end)
On-side kick-- asking out a slut/stud (starting out close to
mid-field) Kick returns-- how far you go on the first date
Downs-- attempt to get more yards (2 down and then you have to
punt again) -- you get an extra down in the NFL Running the
ball-- taking it a yard at a time Passing-- skipping stages /
yards Fumble-- impotency Fumble recovery-- regain erection
Interception-- going the other way (homosexuality) Turnover--
anal sex Field Goal-- only one of you has orgasm (she fakes it)
Touchdown-- mutual orgasm Extra point-- the smoke afterwards 2
point conversion-- a smoke and a phone # High Scoring
Game--multiple orgasms Rain delay-- Parents/ roomate comes back
early

Some important positions: Quarterback-- the most important
placement (missionary position) Quarterback sneak-- unusual
positions Hupper (center)-- doggie style Tight End--
self-explanatory Wide Receiver-- opposite of a tight end Nose
Tackle-- self-explanatory Running Back-- a hand off Defensive
Line-- protection (all forms) Break in the defense-- condom
breaks

Penalties: Roughing--S & M Holding-- rope burn or hand cuffs
Offside-- premature ejactulation

Other important terms: Pile up-- orgy Tackle-- kick in groin
(stopped) Miss the FG-- wide right, wide left, or short 3rd down
and inches-- call for yard stick (measurements) Superbowl--
marriage Grey Cup-- live in (not full status) Fiesta Bowl-- Sex
in South America

The Plays: Play 1. There was on an on-side kick to what I
thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end,
so there was a turnover. Play 2. The ball was kicked deep with
no return. I ran the ball to mid-field but decided to go to the
passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a rain
delay. When the game resumed, the next down was when the running
back took it to the 10 yard line. With 1st and goal, the action
moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback and then thre was a
quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring
Fiesta Bowl ever!! Play 3. I was tacked in the massive pile
up... Play 4. It was 3rd down and inches on the 20 yard line but
on the Field Goal attempt I was short. Play 5. I was kicked out
of the pile up; I was holding and roughing.


   

2 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Macho man


Posted by Neo X. Queen on 09-Aug-2005

Macho man

Typical macho man married typical good looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. "

"I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. "

"I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. "

"Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night...... whether you're here or not."

Submitted by for4
Edited by Calamjo
   

4 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): One hundred


Posted by Jeremy Penner on 10-Aug-2005

One hundred

On a train, a Georgian is traveling with his wife. In the same compartment
travel two physicians. Hour after hour, the wife is nagging her husband, not
letting him to say a word in response. Then she leaves the compartment for the
restroom. The physicians say,"Listen, Vano. We sympathize with you. How can you
stand such a viper of a woman? We'll give you a telephone in Tbilisi, for mere
two hundred rubles they perform a surgery on her brain, and she will become
gentle and agreeable.
"What for?" Vano answers calmly. "I'm taking her to Kutaisi; there they
promised to finish her off just for one hundred."
   

2 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Give me a sign


Posted by Amy Hakwkins on 09-Aug-2005

Give me a sign

A middle age couple was really having a hard time communicating about sex.
To fix this problem they agreed to seek advice.

When they went to the shrink he told them that they had to give each other clearer signs and maybe they sould be more open about it.

When they came home the wife told her husband that when ever he wanted to have sex he should squeeze her breasts once and when he didn't to squeeze them twice.

The man agreed, and then told his wife that when she wanted to have sex she should pull on his penis once, and when she didn't to pull it 150 times.
   

15 people have rated this joke:
5.27/10
     

Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Santa and the thoughtful 20 year old


Posted by Cody G. Jackson on 14-Aug-2005

Santa and the thoughtful 20 year old


The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised
when a young lady about twenty years old walked
up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults,
but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her,
"What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very
thoughtful of you," smiled Santa.

"What do you want me to bring her?"

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

   

1 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Leaving for work


Posted by frick frack on 10-Aug-2005

Leaving for work

Before leaving for work, a man said to his wife, "How many times did I say to
you, don't sleep with your legs apart. One day your liver may fall out."
Next day, she apparently forgot the husband's warning. When he saw her
sleeping with her legs apart, he decided to frighten her. He went to the
kitchen, took a cow's liver, and laid it between his wife's legs.
When, in the evening, he came back home from work, his wife said, "You were
right, darling. My liver fell out this morning."
"And was it painful?" the husband said.
"When it fell out, it was not. But when I was squeezing it back in....."
   

1 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex


Posted by Sam T. Brauer on 14-Aug-2005

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

25. It's OK to bleed during play

24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time-out

23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.

22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.

21. You can still play when you get married.

20. You can change on the fly.

19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.

18. If you can't get it up, who cares.

17. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.

16. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over
again.

15. It is broadcast live on TV.

14. Every one can shoot at the same goal.

13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing.

12. Because of the face-mask, nothing can get in your.

11. You always know how big the stick is.

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

9. The puck is always hard.

8. Protective equipment is reusable, and you don't ever have to
wash it.

7. It lasts a full hour.

6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

5. Your parents cheer when you score.

4. Periods only last twenty minutes.

3. You can count on it at least twice a week.

2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards

And the # 1 reason why hockey is better than sex---A two-on-one
or three-on-one is common in hockey.

   

1 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Divorce


Posted by Bruce R. Wood on 14-Aug-2005

Divorce

A man and his wife are driving on the highway. Suddenly the wife
starts talking, "I want a divorce. I want the kids, the house,
the car, and the money." The man doesn't say a thing and drives
faster and faster. At top speed the women askes him, "What do
you want to have?" The man answers, "Nothing, I've got all I
need, 'cause I got the airbags!"

   

5 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Snake in jungle


Posted by jumbo shrimp on 14-Aug-2005

Snake in jungle

There was once a little girl who was in the bath with her mum,
"mummy," she asked, "what's that?" pointing at her privates,
"that?" stuttered her mum, "why, that's my jungle dear."
"Oh," replied the daughter, as she stumbled off to bed.

The next night, the girl was in the bath with her dad, and when
she looked down she became confused. "Daddy?" she mumbled,
"what's that?"
"erm....... my snake. That's my snake darling, don't go near it.
ok?"
"Ok dad," she replied.

On the third night the girl went into the bath with her mum
again and, pointing at her tits asked, "What are they, mummy?"
Her mum quickly replied. "they are my headlights darling." and
with that the young girl dropped the subject.

Late that night, when everyone was tucked up in bed, the little
girl suddenly shot up in bed and ran into her parents room
yelling "Mummy, mummy, quick, put your headlights on the snakes
going into the jungle!"

   

3 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Yo sister


Posted by KissyFace on 10-Aug-2005

Yo sister

Yo sister so fat, she shops at Pigs'R'Us.
   

4 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Life with no parole


Posted by Tim Alive on 12-Aug-2005

Life with no parole

At 3am a wife wakes up and notices that her husband is not in bed. So, she goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table, with a big tumbler of scotch in front of him. After he takes a drink, she notices that he wipes away a tear from his eye. She rushes to his side, kneels down beside him, holding his hand she says, "hony, what is wrong"?. He says, "do you remember when we started dating when you were sixteen years old"?. The wife replys, yes. He says, "do you remember when your dad caught us having sex in the back of my car"?. The wife replys, yes. He says, "do you remember when your dad stuck that shotgun in my face and told me that I either marry you or he would have me put in jail for twenty years"?. "yes, I remember that too, says the wife. The husband takes another drink, wipes away another tear, looks her in the eye and says, "well, I would have gotten out today".
   

1 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Your Butts Getting Big Hun


Posted by 5th Beatle on 08-Aug-2005

Your Butts Getting Big Hun

Alan and his wife, Debbie, are working in the garden. Debbie bends over to rip up weeds.

'Wow, Debbie,' Alan says. 'Your butt is getting really wide.'

'No, it's not!' Debbie says.

Debbie walks towards the barbecue grill to throw the weeds in a trash can.

'Your butt is getting so big that it's almost wider than the grill!' Alan says.

He gets a tape measure and measures Debbie and the grill.

'Ha,' Alan says. 'Your butt's the same exact size as the grill!'

Debbie ignores Alan's comments and refuses to speak to him for three days. On the fourth night, they're lying in bed watching television.

'I could sure use some lovin',' Alan says.

Debbie looks over at him and yells, 'Don't think for one minute that I'm going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie!'
   

2 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Marital Advice


Posted by sorin s. dohanes on 14-Aug-2005

Marital Advice

A man was having marital problems. So he went to his shrink for advice.

The shrink says "when you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make made passionate love to her."

In two weeks the man was back in the shrinks office.

The shrink asked "how did it go?"

The man said "she didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a kick out of it!!"
   

2 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Doorknob


Posted by "Leppy" on 09-Aug-2005

Doorknob

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, ripped her knickers off and gave her one there and then.

When he finished he started putting his clothes on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door.

"What's wrong? Didn't you come? Do you want more?"

His wife said, "No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
   

6 people have rated this joke:
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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Half And Half


Posted by Gina G on 14-Aug-2005

Half And Half

Four close friends who lived in the same apartment building are
enjoying the boardgame they are playing until a woman walks in
and slams the door behind her. "You created an I hate Annie
Knoller Club!" " Well Ya Annie." "Just what do you do in this
club?" " Just make up rumors, they aren't that bad." " so what's
this rumor that you made up?" "Well, nothing much, just that
your parents flipped a coin and it landed as tails so ignoring
the fact that you were female you would be treated as you had
male reproductive parts." "so you gave me a teenie weenie!?" "Ya
pretty much" " Well I have a rumor about you too, it's that you
made out with the 50 yrs. old libarian during high school" " How
did you know?" " I thought I made it up" "I had no idea you
liked the libarian" " she was pretty damn ugly dude" " Hey well
she looked 16 and not 50!"

   

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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): The anniversery gift


Posted by Labblue* on 14-Aug-2005

The anniversery gift

One day a woman needed to get something for her husband for
their anniversery. She decides that it would be really nice to
get him a pet. So she goes to the local pet store and goes
straight to the front desks and asks the person at the counter
"I need a present for my husband for are anniversery what type
of pet should I get him?" she asked. "Well we have plenty of
dogs and men allways like dogs" he said. "No, that wont do
because he is allergic to them". "I know, I have just the thing"
as he says this he runs into the back of the store. A few
minutes later comes back with a cage and inside it is a huge
toad. "This is one of my most valued possesions and I'm willing
to give it to you for only fifty dollars" the clerk says. "I'm
not going to pay fifty dollars for a toad" she yells. "Well this
isn't any ordinarry toad it gives the best blow jobs in the
world". "Well his anniversery is tomorrow and I do really need a
gift so I guess I'll take it" and then she bought the toad and
went straight home. The next day the husband recieves his gift
and says "a toad is that all I get?". "Its not any toad it
supposedlly gives the best blow jobs ever and cant you just at
least try it once?". He agrees a gives it a try and the clerk
was right. The toad gave him the best blow job he has ever had.
The next night the wife is about to fall asleep when she hears a
lot of noise coming down stairs like pots and pans being banged
togeather. So she goes down stairs to see what the noise is. The
wife sees the husband doing something with the toad and she asks
"what are you doing"? The husband replies "If I can teach this
toad to cook then your out of here bitch".

   

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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Dear Abby


Posted by taylor hunt on 14-Aug-2005

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

My husband has cheated on me our entire marriage. He tells
everybody how much he loves me, but they all know what he's
doing. He has many influential friends and they just pretend
it's not happening because they want his help in big deals.
They're so snowed by him that they avoid the whole issue. I know
I should be thankful that he is successful in his profession,
but now many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he
gets caught, he first denies it all, then admits that he was
wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so
long, everyone in town knows he's a cheater. I don't know what to
do. Frustrated.

Dear Frustrated,

Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate?

Abby


   

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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Control Sex Drive


Posted by Its All Good on 08-Aug-2005

Control Sex Drive

Q: What food decreases a womans sex drive by 90%

A: wedding cake
   

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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Quickie?


Posted by Gen_Aftertaste on 09-Aug-2005

Quickie?

Husband: "Want a quickie?"

Wife: "As opposed to what?"

   

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Funny Jokes:Sex Jokes (10658):Love Jokes (2491): Dinner at Boyfriends house


Posted by pager on 14-Aug-2005

Dinner at Boyfriends house

Cara was very excited abut going to her bf's house for dinner,
although the night she had to go she got very ill. She still
went.

In the middle of dinner she excused herself to go to the
bathroom, so she went upstairs. closed the door, and she
couldn't stop going!!

When she was done it was so big the toilet couldn't flush!!

So she picked it up with her hands and threw it out the window.

After washing her hands for a full 10 min. she went back
downstairs.
Everybody was staring at her, and she asked what happened?

Her boyfriend pointed up...her waste fell onto the skylight.

   

1 people have rated this joke:
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zoe and kals dating tips cont
| Half a Lawyer
| Cuckoo Clock
| Children Advice on Life
| Shooting pool
| Free Drinks in Idaho
| Unfaithful
| Hoover
| 50 years on
| Gorilla headache
| A quote on marriage
| A quote on marriage
| Caught In The Act
| Golden Wedding
| Wash it please
| Four-parent family.
| My big brother is such an idiot.
| Honey, I have a headache...
| In a perfect world...
| Bring Flowers
| Responsible Husband
| Bingo Card
| Hungry
| My Wife is a Liar
| The Flu


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