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| Posted by Neo X. Queen on 09-Aug-2005 | Macho manTypical macho man married typical good looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. "
"I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. "
"I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. "
"Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night...... whether you're here or not."
Submitted by for4
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Jeremy Penner on 10-Aug-2005 | One hundredOn a train, a Georgian is traveling with his wife. In the same compartment
travel two physicians. Hour after hour, the wife is nagging her husband, not
letting him to say a word in response. Then she leaves the compartment for the
restroom. The physicians say,"Listen, Vano. We sympathize with you. How can you
stand such a viper of a woman? We'll give you a telephone in Tbilisi, for mere
two hundred rubles they perform a surgery on her brain, and she will become
gentle and agreeable.
"What for?" Vano answers calmly. "I'm taking her to Kutaisi; there they
promised to finish her off just for one hundred."
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| Posted by Cody G. Jackson on 14-Aug-2005 | Santa and the thoughtful 20 year old
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised
when a young lady about twenty years old walked
up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults,
but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her,
"What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very
thoughtful of you," smiled Santa.
"What do you want me to bring her?"
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
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| Posted by frick frack on 10-Aug-2005 | Leaving for workBefore leaving for work, a man said to his wife, "How many times did I say to
you, don't sleep with your legs apart. One day your liver may fall out."
Next day, she apparently forgot the husband's warning. When he saw her
sleeping with her legs apart, he decided to frighten her. He went to the
kitchen, took a cow's liver, and laid it between his wife's legs.
When, in the evening, he came back home from work, his wife said, "You were
right, darling. My liver fell out this morning."
"And was it painful?" the husband said.
"When it fell out, it was not. But when I was squeezing it back in....."
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| Posted by jumbo shrimp on 14-Aug-2005 | Snake in jungleThere was once a little girl who was in the bath with her mum,
"mummy," she asked, "what's that?" pointing at her privates,
"that?" stuttered her mum, "why, that's my jungle dear."
"Oh," replied the daughter, as she stumbled off to bed.
The next night, the girl was in the bath with her dad, and when
she looked down she became confused. "Daddy?" she mumbled,
"what's that?"
"erm....... my snake. That's my snake darling, don't go near it.
ok?"
"Ok dad," she replied.
On the third night the girl went into the bath with her mum
again and, pointing at her tits asked, "What are they, mummy?"
Her mum quickly replied. "they are my headlights darling." and
with that the young girl dropped the subject.
Late that night, when everyone was tucked up in bed, the little
girl suddenly shot up in bed and ran into her parents room
yelling "Mummy, mummy, quick, put your headlights on the snakes
going into the jungle!"
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| Posted by Sam T. Brauer on 14-Aug-2005 | Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex25. It's OK to bleed during play
24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time-out
23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.
22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.
21. You can still play when you get married.
20. You can change on the fly.
19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.
18. If you can't get it up, who cares.
17. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.
16. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over
again.
15. It is broadcast live on TV.
14. Every one can shoot at the same goal.
13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing.
12. Because of the face-mask, nothing can get in your.
11. You always know how big the stick is.
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
9. The puck is always hard.
8. Protective equipment is reusable, and you don't ever have to
wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. Periods only last twenty minutes.
3. You can count on it at least twice a week.
2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards
And the # 1 reason why hockey is better than sex---A two-on-one
or three-on-one is common in hockey.
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| Posted by Bruce R. Wood on 14-Aug-2005 | DivorceA man and his wife are driving on the highway. Suddenly the wife
starts talking, "I want a divorce. I want the kids, the house,
the car, and the money." The man doesn't say a thing and drives
faster and faster. At top speed the women askes him, "What do
you want to have?" The man answers, "Nothing, I've got all I
need, 'cause I got the airbags!"
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| Posted by Leila K. Barker on 14-Aug-2005 | Joke to play on friendThe following is a conversation between you and a friend
You:"I can't believe they're still together after all that shit!"
Friend:"WHO?"
You:"My but-cheeks!"
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| Posted by KissyFace on 10-Aug-2005 | Yo sisterYo sister so fat, she shops at Pigs'R'Us.
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| Posted by Tim Alive on 12-Aug-2005 | Life with no paroleAt 3am a wife wakes up and notices that her husband is not in bed. So, she goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table, with a big tumbler of scotch in front of him. After he takes a drink, she notices that he wipes away a tear from his eye. She rushes to his side, kneels down beside him, holding his hand she says, "hony, what is wrong"?. He says, "do you remember when we started dating when you were sixteen years old"?. The wife replys, yes. He says, "do you remember when your dad caught us having sex in the back of my car"?. The wife replys, yes. He says, "do you remember when your dad stuck that shotgun in my face and told me that I either marry you or he would have me put in jail for twenty years"?. "yes, I remember that too, says the wife. The husband takes another drink, wipes away another tear, looks her in the eye and says, "well, I would have gotten out today".
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