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| Posted by Dejoira T. Phillips on 14-Aug-2005 | Just Married!This young couple just got married,and in the family it was
tradition for the best man to have the 1st dance with the
bride,so they danced and then they danced the 2nd song too.Then
the 3rd.By the time the 4th song came on,the groom ran up and
kicked the bride between the legs. A riot then broke
out,everyone went to jail even the guests.So the next week at
court the judge asked the best man "what happened?" He replied
"your honor,we were just dancing and the groom came up and
kicked the bride between the legs."That must have hurt" said the
judge."Damn right it did"said the best man "it broke 3 of my
fingers!"
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| Posted by Stephen Schug on 14-Aug-2005 | CookiesAn elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's final agony, as
he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the
bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the
stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing in
the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his
extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in
heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table - were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he
threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a
rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of
the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate
through his body.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone
biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
with a spatula by his wife......
"Fuck off, " she said, "they're for the funeral."
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| Posted by Meghan LaLonde on 11-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Valentine Card Rejects10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
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| Posted by Ellsworth on 14-Aug-2005 | My Husband Is No Fun...A woman walked into the doctors and said, "My Husband Is No Fun.
He never wants love, never wants sex. Everytime I ask him to
shag me it's not the usual "I'll think about it," it's just a
blatent "No!" He hides his dick from me, he sleeps in bed with
his pyjamas on, he never gets an erection. His sex life is
simply awful."
The doctor said, "I think you need to give him this viagra
pill," and handed him a yellowish coloured pill.
"No no no no no no no! He won't take it. He's awful with pills
and he dosen't want to be aroused," the woman replied.
The doctor said, "Just stick in his tea then. he won't notice."
The woman replied, "He dosen't like tea."
"What does he like then? Coffee?" the doctor asked.
"Yes," the woman replied.
"OK," the doctor said. "Come back when you've tried it."
So within the next week she was back.
"It was awful," she replied. "He climbed on me as if he was in a
trance. He kept going on and on about how much he wanted to shag
me and to lick my cunt. He felt my tits, snogged me against my
will and even got his dick out of his fly and stuck it in my
face."
"Hmmmmmm," the doctor replied. "Well how can that be really bad?
It was what you wanted wasn't it?"
"Yes," the woman replied. "But I don't think it'd be a good idea
to show my face in McDonalds again."
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| Posted by Marc C. Fryer on 12-Aug-2005 | TrainA man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
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| Posted by Kevin McGee on 09-Aug-2005 | CheatersThree men are sitting at a bar and each admits that he thinks his wife is cheating on him.
"I found a hammer and a tool belt under my bed yesterday," the first man says. "I think my wife is sleeping with a carpenter."
"Well, I found a medical bag under my bed yesterday," the second man admits. "I think my wife is sleeping with a doctor."
"That's nothing," the third man says. "When I came home yesterday, I found a cowboy under my bed.I think my wife is screwing a horse."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Caitlin l. Lopez on 14-Aug-2005 | Swapping Wife for Season TicketCarol was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed
in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to
this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is
offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Carol said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Carol said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
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| Posted by nay-nay12 on 14-Aug-2005 | Really Expensive BarbieA guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown Cleveland
and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie
dolls? My daughter's birthday is today and I have to get
something she will love!"
She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have:
*Fashion Barbie @ $15.95
*Vacation Barbie @ $15.95
*Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and
*Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment,"Why is "Divorcee Barbie so much?
She looks the same to me."
The assistant answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes
complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's golf clubs, his
season tickets to the Tribe and the Browns, his Gold MasterCard,
his yacht and his summer home. All items that would usually be
sold seperately....."
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| Posted by Smoker Wiedman on 14-Aug-2005 | Tie her to the treeOne day I was shopping at my local drugstore when I noticed a
new face behind the pharmaceutical counter. She was drop dead
gorgeous and a beutiful set of tits to match. Well it didn't
take a minute to turn on the flirt and ask this chick out for
that very evening.
I approach her parents home to be greeted by
her dad who is suspiciouslly pleased to meet me. I go on to
realize a minute later why he was so pleased. What I couldn't
have realized from the drug store floor was that Vicky suffered
paraylazation from the waist down. Without hesitation or suprise
I pretended I knew all along not to upset Vicky.
Okay movie, dinner and yada yada yada and we
wind up at look out point. I'm figuring if I luck out, blow job!
I hit the jackpot, this bitch lets me tie her to the tree to
bang her!!!
I get her home and kiss goodnight, going back to
my car her father approaches and hands me a hundred dollar bill.
I refuse saying I really didn't mind and It wouldn't be right
for me to accept money just for taking out someone who was
handicapped.
He retorts no this is a thank you for saving me the
15th trip of having to go unttie her from that tree!!!!!
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| Posted by Melissa A. Mcclain on 14-Aug-2005 | Newspaper ArticleA woman was lonely so she posted an add in the newspaper that
said " I want a man who cant choke me, cant run away from me and
has good sex." then 2 weeks later a guy with no arms,and no legs
came and said "im the man youve been waiting for honey!" then
she says how do you fit the description???'" and he said "well i
have no arms so i cant choke you and i have no legs so i cant
run away from you" then she said" well how do i know you have
good sex" and he said "how do you think i open the door"
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