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| Posted by Nicole M. T on 14-Aug-2005 | *~> MaKiNg SaNdWiChEs <~*One night a guy and his girlfriend started getting horny at the
guys house. The guy had to share a room with his little 7 year
old brother and they shared a bunk. He got the top and his
little brother got the bottom. Well they started getting it on,
and one thing led to another and they started to do it. He told
his girlfriend to say lettuce if she wanted it harder, and
tomatoes if she wanted it slower. "Lettuce, tomatoes" she said
"Lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce..." she screamed out. Then
his little brother shouted up sleepily, "Can you guys stop
making sandwiches? The mayonnaise is getting all over me!"
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| Posted by Tiger Fly on 14-Aug-2005 | Loose PussyThree ladies walk into a bar, each sits on a stool. All start
chattering, you know girl talk. Then, one says, "my pussy's so
loose my boyfriend can stick his fist up it." The second says,
"my pussy's so loose, my boyfriend can stick both of his fist in
mine." The third lady laughs and slides down the bar stool.
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4 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Scooby D. Doo on 08-Aug-2005 | Husband NicknamesOne evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Larrys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Larry 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Larry Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Larrys were good, but I'm gonna name my Larry, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Larry!!"
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| Posted by death_tortiose on 10-Aug-2005 | A teenage girlA teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what
Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said
her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager”, won’t it knock my
teeth out?"
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| Posted by Noreen Hassan on 08-Aug-2005 | Time is of the EssenceA policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.
Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said,"Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater."
"How old are you, son?" the officer asked.
"I'm twenty," the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen."
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| Posted by madcat cw on 09-Aug-2005 | Unhappily MarriedA man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, "I wonder if it's magic. I think I'll rub it and find out."
Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, "I'm your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double."
Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, "Give me a million dollars." So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the "one condition".
Next the man said, " I'd like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast." So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.
Finally the genie said, "You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double."
So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, "Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death."
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| Posted by Dejoira T. Phillips on 14-Aug-2005 | Just Married!This young couple just got married,and in the family it was
tradition for the best man to have the 1st dance with the
bride,so they danced and then they danced the 2nd song too.Then
the 3rd.By the time the 4th song came on,the groom ran up and
kicked the bride between the legs. A riot then broke
out,everyone went to jail even the guests.So the next week at
court the judge asked the best man "what happened?" He replied
"your honor,we were just dancing and the groom came up and
kicked the bride between the legs."That must have hurt" said the
judge."Damn right it did"said the best man "it broke 3 of my
fingers!"
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| Posted by Stephen Schug on 14-Aug-2005 | CookiesAn elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's final agony, as
he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the
bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the
stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing in
the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his
extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in
heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table - were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he
threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a
rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of
the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate
through his body.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone
biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
with a spatula by his wife......
"Fuck off, " she said, "they're for the funeral."
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| Posted by Meghan LaLonde on 11-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Valentine Card Rejects10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
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| Posted by Ellsworth on 14-Aug-2005 | My Husband Is No Fun...A woman walked into the doctors and said, "My Husband Is No Fun.
He never wants love, never wants sex. Everytime I ask him to
shag me it's not the usual "I'll think about it," it's just a
blatent "No!" He hides his dick from me, he sleeps in bed with
his pyjamas on, he never gets an erection. His sex life is
simply awful."
The doctor said, "I think you need to give him this viagra
pill," and handed him a yellowish coloured pill.
"No no no no no no no! He won't take it. He's awful with pills
and he dosen't want to be aroused," the woman replied.
The doctor said, "Just stick in his tea then. he won't notice."
The woman replied, "He dosen't like tea."
"What does he like then? Coffee?" the doctor asked.
"Yes," the woman replied.
"OK," the doctor said. "Come back when you've tried it."
So within the next week she was back.
"It was awful," she replied. "He climbed on me as if he was in a
trance. He kept going on and on about how much he wanted to shag
me and to lick my cunt. He felt my tits, snogged me against my
will and even got his dick out of his fly and stuck it in my
face."
"Hmmmmmm," the doctor replied. "Well how can that be really bad?
It was what you wanted wasn't it?"
"Yes," the woman replied. "But I don't think it'd be a good idea
to show my face in McDonalds again."
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