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| Posted by Daniel R. Perrault on 14-Aug-2005 | Woman at SupermarketThere's a woman in a supermarket. She gets the basic things
like milk, eggs, and bread. She goes up to the counter and
there's a drunk guy standing there. She puts the stuff on the
counter and the guy says, "Ma'am, you must be single."
Puzzled, the woman replies with, "How could you tell that by
what I put on the counter?"
The drunk guy says, "Cause you're uglier than shit."
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| Posted by Jennifer R. Sobczak on 14-Aug-2005 | Mommy told me not to I dont I want toOne day, there was a new mentaly handycap boy but no one knew
that he was handycap. all the girls thought he was really hot!
One day, the boy's mother wanted him to go bring a pie to a
little girls house wich was right next door. He knocks on the
door and the little girl awnsors it. she tells the boy to come
in and sais " take of your shoes il show you my room" "mommy
told me not to i dont think i want to" replies the boy "ill give
you a cookie" sais the girl "ok" so now they are in the girls
room. " take off my clothes" sais the girl "mommy told me not to
i dont think i want to" Il give you 2 cookies. ok . the girls
clothes are now off. take off your clothes. sais the girl. Mommy
told me not to i dont think i want to. ill give you 5 cookies.
ok. now the girl is lying on her bed, jump on me! mommy told me
not to i dont think i want to. ill give you 7 cookies. ok. while
they are f*king the dad walks in, you get the f*ck off my
doghter right now! the boy replies
mommy told me not to i dont think i want to
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| Posted by ASS HOLE on 14-Aug-2005 | What's a Pussy and What's a BitchAfter playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with
some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he
went to his mother. "Mom, what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by
the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a
picture of a cat. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again,
not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him
a picture of a female dog.
Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a
pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life
and opened up a porno and circled the area between a womans
legs. Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a bitch?" His
father replied, "Everything outside of the circle."
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| Posted by Cronic U. Bobinstein on 09-Aug-2005 | EarringThis man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.
"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by dan mcclenaghan on 14-Aug-2005 | Dumb Men Jokes1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. . . . . men will screw anything.
3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
5. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the the neck up.
9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows . . . . . . It's never been done.
11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.
12. What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.
14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
15. Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.
16. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
17. How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.
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| Posted by Bob Jones on 14-Aug-2005 | Pick Up Line: Mirror in PantsIs that a mirror in your pants? Because I can sure see myself
in them.
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| Posted by Ricky A. Seidle on 14-Aug-2005 | Adam & EveOne day Adam was strolling along and god looked down to speak to
Adam, but he noticed eve was not there with confused he looks at
Adam and says where has Eve gone Adam looks up at him and says I
think she went in the ocean god looks down at him and says
dammit Adam how are we gonna get the smell of the fish
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| Posted by Edward Peck on 14-Aug-2005 | SeductiveA guy is working behind the bar at a downtown restaurant, when
an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous chick walks up and beckons him
with her finger.
She seductively says to him, "Hey big boy, can I please speak to
the manager?"
He thinks that she is coming on to him as she starts running her
fingers through his hair, so he says to her, "the manager is not
around at the moment, can I help you in anyway possible?"
She then gently places a couple of fingers in his mouth and lets
him start gently licking them and says to him, "well then big
boy, you can pass on a message for me to the manager. Can you
let him know that there is no toilet paper in the ladies
toilets!!"
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| Posted by Korvak on 14-Aug-2005 | Ten types of boyfriendsTHE 10 TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS
------------------------------
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as:
Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay
home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt.
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle.
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'
Dumb.
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.
Advantages: Tells good stories.
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus."
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer.
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.
Mr. Prez
Let's do it in the Oval Office. Let's do it in the war room
Also known as Slick Willy, the Presidential Erection, The Commander in
briefs, The Secret Servicer, The Pocket Veto and The Executive Branch
Advantages: Fun games such as swallow the Leader.
Think of the book rights and speaking fees
I'll never have to do one of those
American Express commercials "Who Am I"
Disadvantages: Those darn perjury charges
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| Posted by Scotman23 on 14-Aug-2005 | 15 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex1. BEING PASSIVE.
Don't let him undress you and himself. Just help him a little
bit: like making the first step. Just because we are men it
doesn't mean that we must do all the job.
2. WEARING JEANS OR TIGHT PANTS.
It takes time to take off these kind of clothes. Every second
counts. Remember one thing: the more time you got, the more
rounds you got, and the more rounds you got the more satisfied
you get.
3. GOING DOWN HALFWAY.
Once you start going down, don't stop at the belly button, keep
going or just don't go past the neck at all.
4. CHOCKING HIS CHICKEN.
Men feel pain, we are not as tough as you think. No man has a
leather dick. You got to be smooth with the dick. Pulling it too
hard doesn't make us feel horny, it hurts even though we don't
tell you.
5. LICKING HIS EAR TOO MUCH.
It's just the same as a dog licking a bitches ass.
6. MOANING LIKE A RUNNER THAT NEEDS AIR.
Better moan with style girls cause men love to make fun of girls
who can't moan like movie stars. Try not too make much noise
when you exhale.
7. SCRATCHING HIS BACK.
We don't need no autographs, girls. It does not feel good at
all. Depend on the length of nail and how deep you dig them in
our backs so keep your nails in you pockets please. If you feel
the need to scratch a boys back, either grip the hell out of the
sheets or the headboard.
8. LETTING YOUR HAIR FALL IN HIS FACE.
Men need air, they breath.
9. JUMPING ON HIPS TO HARD.
A man is not a horse so please take it easy unless you got a big
booty to take care of the landing.
10. SCREAMING TOO LOUD WHEN YOU CUM.
Are you crazy? Do you want us to get caught by your parents? Or
do you just love seeing me jump through the window butt naked...
11. KEEP YORSELF CLEAN!
Everyone knows that fish is the smell. But we don't have to be
smelling it when you take your panties off. Please warn us if
you haven't freshened up. And nobody wants to suck on salty
dirty titties. Men aren't the only ones who sweat. And we sure
don't want you smelling like you work at a fish market either.
Make sure your ass is clean!!! No man wants to eat off a dirty
plate.
12. MAKE SURE YOUR FEET ARE IN CHECK.
Every man has a certain turn on, everything on a woman must be
perfect, that's how we like it. Do not, I repeat do not get in
bed with us with your feet looking like you were walking bare
foot on toxic waste. You know what I am talking about, nail
polish coming off halfway, smelly as hell, uneven toenails,
soles feeling like sandpaper. Its hard to perform good foreplay
with that. And don't even think about asking us to suck your
toes when they look like they have been beaten with a sledge
hammer (ugly) and we are not to fond of unpolished toes either.
We like them soft, pretty, and tasty looking.
13. GIVING HEAD.
Don't use your teeth! It hurts, really!
14. AFTER SEX BROADCASTING.
Don't go bragging to your friends saying that you have us so
called "whipped" its not cool at all, especially when his
friends are around. If a man is "whipped" he won't admit it.
15. KEEP IT REAL.
When you're at the point of breaking up, don't wait until then
to tell us we didn't knock it right. You know damn well we had
you climbing the walls and walking on air.
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