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| Posted by maddog on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 5 Bar Jokes1. A woman walks into a bar with her well-groomed poodle. She
yells, "this place is a pigstye." The bartender comes up to her
and say,"How can you bring that creature in here? The woman
exclaims, "I'll have you know that this is a prize winning
poodle. The guy says, "I wasn't talkin to you, lady."
2. A guy came into a bar one night and ordered two beers. He
drinks the first one and poors the second one over his hand. He
does this three times. He orders a beer. He drinks one and poors
the other one over his hand. The bartender asks him, "You're
payin for the beers so I don't care but im just wonderin, what
are you doing?" The guy says, "I'm gettin my date drunk."
3. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says, "I'll have the
Salmon Salad. The bartender says, "We dont serve food here."
4. This guy tells his friend about a bar where if you drink two
beers, you get laid. The guy says, "Great, lets go!" They both
go and have two beers. Nothing happens. They do it agin. Still
Nothing. The guy says, "I thought you said we would get laid."
"I don't know, that's what my sister told me."
5. A guy is playin a piano in a bar and he has a monkey on the
piano. The monkey drinks a few beers and starts dancing around
the bar. He pees in some guy's beer. He walks over to the piano
player and says, "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my
drink?" "No, but if you hum a few bars maybe i'll catch on."
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| Posted by Chelsey Frizzo on 14-Aug-2005 | Making CakeOne day a girl and her mom went to the zoo the girl saw two
monkeys doing it she asked her mom what are those monkeys doing
her mom said they were making cake.
The next day she went to the beach with her dad and they saw
some pepole doing it and she asked her dad what they were doing
heer dad said ow there making cake.
That night her parents were doing it on the couch and in the
morning when their dauther woke up she told her mom you were
making cake last night wern't you her mom said how did you the
girl said I liked the frosting off the couch.
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| Posted by funny he bitch on 09-Aug-2005 | TOP TEN REASONS OREOS ARE BETTER THAN MEN...
TOP TEN REASONS OREOS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.
1. The creamy white stuff tastes good.
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| Posted by LadyBrat on 13-Aug-2005 | ABCAn airplane throws out all itz luggage trying to get over a mountain.still no luck The pilot talks to the passengers and says the only fair way is if they go by ABC,s how does everyone feel about that?Sounds fair they say.He says A;allyou African americans jump little black boy trys to get up his grandpa says np son sit back down.Pilot goes B; all you black people jump little black boy trys to get up again his grandpa says no son sit back down.Pilot goes C; all you colored people jump little black boy trys to get up again his grandpa says np son sit.little boy looks at his Grandpa an says were African American,were Black& were Colored his grandpa says no son wre not today were Niggers & were going after the M,F, Mexicans
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| Posted by Eddi J. Mur on 14-Aug-2005 | Son asks his mother...This is actually true!
There was a little boy and his mom was pregnant. The mom kept
getting fatter and fatter until finally the little boy asked
what was wrong with her belly. She sat the little boy down and
asked him if he remembered that they were having a baby? He said
yes. She explained that the baby was inside of her and thats
why she was growing bigger. The boy, looking confused, waits
for a second and as his mom is about to leave the room, he calls
her back. "Mom", he asks, "You have a baby in your belly, thats
why its getting bigger... so do you have a baby in your butt
too?"
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| Posted by chicken E. taste on 14-Aug-2005 | CrabsOne day an english guy was wearing a thong bathing suit. He
layed in the grass all day. He woke up and his dick was itching.
He realized ne nad crabs. "I've got crotch feasants." he told
his girlfriend. "SO just shave the hair off."
So he went home got a razor and started shaving.While he was
shaving he cut his penis and his scrotum off. He went to the
doctor and he said he could perform surgery to give him a
vagina. But in would take weeks to get all of his dead insides
out. So they gave him knock out gas. He woke up a week later
feeling like he had wild sex. And the doctor came in getting
dressed. "Oh you're up well your all set." he said. "why do I
feel like I've been having wild sex?"
"Well to tell you the truth it only took me one day to fix you.
But I gave you female hormones you grew breast and longer hair.
So I had sex with you and gave you a home pregnancy test. And
we'll have a child nine months from last tuesday."
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| Posted by ruchi on 14-Aug-2005 | Camelone day there was an old lady who just got on a bus.she sat next
to a girl about 18 years old.the 18 year old was smoking a
cigarette with a condom at the end of it.the old lady asked what
that was.so the 18 year old said " its a condom." the old lady
said " ok then why do you have a condom at the end of your
cigarette?" the 18 year old said" because it is the fashion." so
the old lady asked the bus driver to stop at osco drug.the old
lady gets off and walkes into the store. she goes to the cashier
" i would like to buy some condoms."
the cashier said," what size do you want?" the old lady said,"
big enough to fit a camel."
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| Posted by Waz Up on 09-Aug-2005 | Womens personal ads40-ish. . . 48.
Adventurous... has had more partners than you ever will.
Athletic... flat-chested.
Average looking... ugly.
Beautiful... pathological liar.
Contagious smile... bring your penicillin.
Educated... college dropout.
Emotionally secure... medicated.
Feminist... fat ball-buster.
Free spirit. . . substance user.
Friendship first. . . trying to live down a reputation as a slut.
Fun... annoying.
Gentle... comatose.
Good listener... borderline autistic.
New-age... all body hair, all the time.
Old-fashioned ... lights out, missionary position only.
Open-minded... desperate.
Outgoing. . . loud.
Passionate. . . loud.
Poet... depressive schizophrenic.
Redhead... shops in the Clairol section.
Rubenesque... grossly fat.
Romantic. . . looks better by candlelight.
Voluptuous... very fat.
Weight proportional to height... hugely fat.
Wants soul mate... one step away from stalking.
Widow... nagged first husband to death.
Young at heart... toothless crone.
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| Posted by Shameka Moore on 11-Aug-2005 | The Harmless WeirdoAt first, you think the Harmless Weirdo is adorably eccentric, offbeat, and intelligent--an iconoclast, really. Yes, he has a few unusual quirks and mannerisms, but he's no boring, cookie-cutter frat boy. In short, he's totally unlike any other man you've ever dated, which strikes you as a good thing.
Your view changes, radically, the evening you proudly introduce him to your friends. In front of everyone you know, your new suitor relates an anecdote about a bus trip he once took that goes on forever and has no apparent pont. THen, when the conversation turns to politics, he hijacks it, launching into a long, unstoppable tirade about the unacknowledged link between diet soda and brain damage. In a moment of sickening clarity, you become aware that you are dating a deeply odd individual. He's the nerd from chemistry class, traveling incognito thanks to a pair of chinos from the GAP.
Moments after this revelation, you put dumping him on the top of your to-do list. But the Harmless Weirdo isn't exactly attuned to social clues and fundamentally doesn't understand he's being ditched. Long after you've shown him the door, he'll still call and drop by with no warning, as though nothing has changed. Although he's not physically threatening, psychologically, he's a menace. He's a reminder that at times, your judgement can be very poor, indeed.
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| Posted by Christopher J. Sando on 14-Aug-2005 | Men - Politically CorrectHe does not have a beer gut, He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet, He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not stupid, He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time, He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding, He is in Follicle Regression.
He is not a cradle robber, He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk, He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not have his head up his ass, He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short, He is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy, He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars, He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body, He is Physically Combustible.
He is not unsophisticated, He is Socially Challenged.
He does not eat like a pig, He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He is not a bad dancer, He is Overly Caucasian.
He is not a sex machine, He is Romantically Automated.
He does not hog the blankets, He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig, He has Swine Empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes, He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment, He is Monogamously Challenged.
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