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| Posted by Jeff L. Aho on 14-Aug-2005 | Man & WifeThere is a husband and a wife the wife looks at the husband and
says today i saw this creme when you put it on your boobs they
make them bigger , the man was pleased when he heard the news so
he asked his wife how much for a bottle of it and she said $250
an ounce , the man with an angered face looks at his wife and
says that is way too much why dont you just use the same stuff
you use on your ASS
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| Posted by Prosthetic Head on 14-Aug-2005 | midget and girl hairA girl is in a school hallway and a guy comes up to her and
tells her her hair smells nice, the girl yells you asshole and
goes to the princibles office to declare a sexual harasment
case, the princible then asks the girl whats wrong with a guy
telling you your hair smells nice, she then yells he a fucking!
midget
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| Posted by Tim B on 11-Aug-2005 | New Element -- XYElement Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
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| Posted by The Bulldozer on 14-Aug-2005 | The magic voodoo penisonce there was this guy and he didnt know what to get his wife
for her birthday so he went into this shop and asked this guy
what he had, the guy said, does your wife like dolls, no said
the husband, ok said the shop man, what does she like?, she
likes sex replied the man laughing, well i have just the thing
for her then replied the man, he bought out this wooden penis.
the husband says, what the hell is that, its a magic vodoo penis
replied the shop man, just tell it where to go and it will go
there.
ok the man said, i will try it, the man said vodoo penis, door
handle.
the vodoo penis went to the door and knowcked the handle off.
alright i will take it the man said.
so the man took it home to his wife and she was thrilled.
that night, her husband was out and she felf a liffle horney so
she got the vodoo penis and said" vodoo penis, my vagina, the
voodoo penis went there immediatly and gave her heaps of
pleasure, but she eventually got sick of it and she tried to get
it out but it wouldnt come out so she paniced and hoped in her
car with no clothes on and started driving as fast as she could.
she eventually got pulled over by the police.
why are you driving so fast?, she replied " theres a mgic vodoo
penis in me and the police man said " voodoo penis my ass".
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| Posted by Scott D. Willson on 14-Aug-2005 | Are Ladies too Materialistic?A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready
to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck
passed too close and completely tore off the door on the
driver's side. The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone,
dialed 911, and within minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before
the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started
screaming hysterically. Her Lexus which she had just picked up
the day before was now completely destroyed and would never be
the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the
woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the
officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't
believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so
focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything
else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman. The
cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit
you."
"My God!!" screamed the woman. "Where's my tennis bracelet?!"
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| Posted by HappyFunnyBanana on 14-Aug-2005 | The Male Handbook1. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it
acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true
male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for
emergencies, i.e. when some portion of your body is on fire.
2. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself
crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some
ammo.
3. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the
emergency listed in Rule 1.
4. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever
she mentions "love" or "commitment."
5. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs.
Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.
6. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her,
when you're with your friends.
7. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get
tickets to the matches.
8. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.
9. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you
couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's
local.
10. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about
the size of her, um...
11. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the
shower) or don't show up at all.
12. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.
13. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match
with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but
neglect to tell your significant other until the day before.
When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks
you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch
wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.
14. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of --
you know how she loves them!
15. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how
red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be
grateful that you're staying with her.
16. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets
injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the
emergency room.
17. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.
18. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse
to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look
cool, right?
19. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about
cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets
you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
20. Blame everything on PMS.
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| Posted by pokemon on 14-Aug-2005 | Men & Women - The Real DifferenceThe difference between men and women in one paragraph:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH."
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
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| Posted by Icman78 on 14-Aug-2005 | Girls and BoysQ: Why does a lady have a "y"?
A:Because if she didn't, she'd be a "lad".
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| Posted by maddog on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 5 Bar Jokes1. A woman walks into a bar with her well-groomed poodle. She
yells, "this place is a pigstye." The bartender comes up to her
and say,"How can you bring that creature in here? The woman
exclaims, "I'll have you know that this is a prize winning
poodle. The guy says, "I wasn't talkin to you, lady."
2. A guy came into a bar one night and ordered two beers. He
drinks the first one and poors the second one over his hand. He
does this three times. He orders a beer. He drinks one and poors
the other one over his hand. The bartender asks him, "You're
payin for the beers so I don't care but im just wonderin, what
are you doing?" The guy says, "I'm gettin my date drunk."
3. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says, "I'll have the
Salmon Salad. The bartender says, "We dont serve food here."
4. This guy tells his friend about a bar where if you drink two
beers, you get laid. The guy says, "Great, lets go!" They both
go and have two beers. Nothing happens. They do it agin. Still
Nothing. The guy says, "I thought you said we would get laid."
"I don't know, that's what my sister told me."
5. A guy is playin a piano in a bar and he has a monkey on the
piano. The monkey drinks a few beers and starts dancing around
the bar. He pees in some guy's beer. He walks over to the piano
player and says, "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my
drink?" "No, but if you hum a few bars maybe i'll catch on."
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| Posted by Chelsey Frizzo on 14-Aug-2005 | Making CakeOne day a girl and her mom went to the zoo the girl saw two
monkeys doing it she asked her mom what are those monkeys doing
her mom said they were making cake.
The next day she went to the beach with her dad and they saw
some pepole doing it and she asked her dad what they were doing
heer dad said ow there making cake.
That night her parents were doing it on the couch and in the
morning when their dauther woke up she told her mom you were
making cake last night wern't you her mom said how did you the
girl said I liked the frosting off the couch.
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