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| Posted by Scotman23 on 14-Aug-2005 | 15 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex1. BEING PASSIVE.
Don't let him undress you and himself. Just help him a little
bit: like making the first step. Just because we are men it
doesn't mean that we must do all the job.
2. WEARING JEANS OR TIGHT PANTS.
It takes time to take off these kind of clothes. Every second
counts. Remember one thing: the more time you got, the more
rounds you got, and the more rounds you got the more satisfied
you get.
3. GOING DOWN HALFWAY.
Once you start going down, don't stop at the belly button, keep
going or just don't go past the neck at all.
4. CHOCKING HIS CHICKEN.
Men feel pain, we are not as tough as you think. No man has a
leather dick. You got to be smooth with the dick. Pulling it too
hard doesn't make us feel horny, it hurts even though we don't
tell you.
5. LICKING HIS EAR TOO MUCH.
It's just the same as a dog licking a bitches ass.
6. MOANING LIKE A RUNNER THAT NEEDS AIR.
Better moan with style girls cause men love to make fun of girls
who can't moan like movie stars. Try not too make much noise
when you exhale.
7. SCRATCHING HIS BACK.
We don't need no autographs, girls. It does not feel good at
all. Depend on the length of nail and how deep you dig them in
our backs so keep your nails in you pockets please. If you feel
the need to scratch a boys back, either grip the hell out of the
sheets or the headboard.
8. LETTING YOUR HAIR FALL IN HIS FACE.
Men need air, they breath.
9. JUMPING ON HIPS TO HARD.
A man is not a horse so please take it easy unless you got a big
booty to take care of the landing.
10. SCREAMING TOO LOUD WHEN YOU CUM.
Are you crazy? Do you want us to get caught by your parents? Or
do you just love seeing me jump through the window butt naked...
11. KEEP YORSELF CLEAN!
Everyone knows that fish is the smell. But we don't have to be
smelling it when you take your panties off. Please warn us if
you haven't freshened up. And nobody wants to suck on salty
dirty titties. Men aren't the only ones who sweat. And we sure
don't want you smelling like you work at a fish market either.
Make sure your ass is clean!!! No man wants to eat off a dirty
plate.
12. MAKE SURE YOUR FEET ARE IN CHECK.
Every man has a certain turn on, everything on a woman must be
perfect, that's how we like it. Do not, I repeat do not get in
bed with us with your feet looking like you were walking bare
foot on toxic waste. You know what I am talking about, nail
polish coming off halfway, smelly as hell, uneven toenails,
soles feeling like sandpaper. Its hard to perform good foreplay
with that. And don't even think about asking us to suck your
toes when they look like they have been beaten with a sledge
hammer (ugly) and we are not to fond of unpolished toes either.
We like them soft, pretty, and tasty looking.
13. GIVING HEAD.
Don't use your teeth! It hurts, really!
14. AFTER SEX BROADCASTING.
Don't go bragging to your friends saying that you have us so
called "whipped" its not cool at all, especially when his
friends are around. If a man is "whipped" he won't admit it.
15. KEEP IT REAL.
When you're at the point of breaking up, don't wait until then
to tell us we didn't knock it right. You know damn well we had
you climbing the walls and walking on air.
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| Posted by Lagmaster2000 on 14-Aug-2005 | Vital OrgansGod Creates the Man
When God created man he called him and said:
- Man, I have good and bad news to tell you.
- Lord, Tell me the good first! - the man answered.
- When I made you, I gave you two organs that are very
important: The Brain and the penis.
- Yes Lord, then what's the bad news?
God explained:
- You have very little blood, for that reason when you use one
of them the other one won't work.
God Creates the Woman
When God created the woman he called her and said:
- Woman, I have good and bad news to tell you.
- Lord, Tell me the good one first! - the woman answered.
- When I made you, I gave you two organs that are very
important: The Brain and the vagina.
- Yes Lord, then what's the bad news?
God explained:
- You have too much blood, and since you won't use the first one
very often, the other one will put out the exceeding every
month.
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| Posted by Tom Dunlap on 14-Aug-2005 | MenHow do men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in a room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to
put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What's a man's view of safe sex?
A padded head board.
Only a man would buy a $200.00 car and put a $2000.00 stereo in
it.
Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they are in, they can still get a floppy in.
What's the differnce between a clitoris and a pub?
8 out of 10 men can find a pub.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom feeding scum sucker...the other is a fish.
Why do men hope to marry a virgin?
They can't stand the criticism.
What do you get if you have two balls in your hand?
A mans undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. no mind
2. no business
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do men name their penises?
They want to be on a first name basis with one who makes all
their decisions.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive through windows.
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| Posted by Jeff L. Aho on 14-Aug-2005 | Man & WifeThere is a husband and a wife the wife looks at the husband and
says today i saw this creme when you put it on your boobs they
make them bigger , the man was pleased when he heard the news so
he asked his wife how much for a bottle of it and she said $250
an ounce , the man with an angered face looks at his wife and
says that is way too much why dont you just use the same stuff
you use on your ASS
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| Posted by Prosthetic Head on 14-Aug-2005 | midget and girl hairA girl is in a school hallway and a guy comes up to her and
tells her her hair smells nice, the girl yells you asshole and
goes to the princibles office to declare a sexual harasment
case, the princible then asks the girl whats wrong with a guy
telling you your hair smells nice, she then yells he a fucking!
midget
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| Posted by Tim B on 11-Aug-2005 | New Element -- XYElement Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
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| Posted by The Bulldozer on 14-Aug-2005 | The magic voodoo penisonce there was this guy and he didnt know what to get his wife
for her birthday so he went into this shop and asked this guy
what he had, the guy said, does your wife like dolls, no said
the husband, ok said the shop man, what does she like?, she
likes sex replied the man laughing, well i have just the thing
for her then replied the man, he bought out this wooden penis.
the husband says, what the hell is that, its a magic vodoo penis
replied the shop man, just tell it where to go and it will go
there.
ok the man said, i will try it, the man said vodoo penis, door
handle.
the vodoo penis went to the door and knowcked the handle off.
alright i will take it the man said.
so the man took it home to his wife and she was thrilled.
that night, her husband was out and she felf a liffle horney so
she got the vodoo penis and said" vodoo penis, my vagina, the
voodoo penis went there immediatly and gave her heaps of
pleasure, but she eventually got sick of it and she tried to get
it out but it wouldnt come out so she paniced and hoped in her
car with no clothes on and started driving as fast as she could.
she eventually got pulled over by the police.
why are you driving so fast?, she replied " theres a mgic vodoo
penis in me and the police man said " voodoo penis my ass".
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| Posted by Scott D. Willson on 14-Aug-2005 | Are Ladies too Materialistic?A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready
to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck
passed too close and completely tore off the door on the
driver's side. The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone,
dialed 911, and within minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before
the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started
screaming hysterically. Her Lexus which she had just picked up
the day before was now completely destroyed and would never be
the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the
woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the
officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't
believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so
focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything
else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman. The
cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit
you."
"My God!!" screamed the woman. "Where's my tennis bracelet?!"
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| Posted by HappyFunnyBanana on 14-Aug-2005 | The Male Handbook1. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it
acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true
male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for
emergencies, i.e. when some portion of your body is on fire.
2. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself
crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some
ammo.
3. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the
emergency listed in Rule 1.
4. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever
she mentions "love" or "commitment."
5. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs.
Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.
6. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her,
when you're with your friends.
7. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get
tickets to the matches.
8. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.
9. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you
couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's
local.
10. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about
the size of her, um...
11. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the
shower) or don't show up at all.
12. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.
13. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match
with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but
neglect to tell your significant other until the day before.
When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks
you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch
wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.
14. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of --
you know how she loves them!
15. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how
red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be
grateful that you're staying with her.
16. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets
injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the
emergency room.
17. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.
18. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse
to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look
cool, right?
19. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about
cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets
you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
20. Blame everything on PMS.
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| Posted by pokemon on 14-Aug-2005 | Men & Women - The Real DifferenceThe difference between men and women in one paragraph:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH."
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
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