A guy walks into a bar with two lovely blondes...

As soon as the bartender has finished setting everybody up again, the dwarf jumps back up on the bar and kicks over everybody's drinks again. The bartender says, "That's it: you and your friends, out!"

The guy says, "Never mind, just set everybody up again, and I'll control the dwarf this time, and I'll pay for it, and here's an extra twenty for your trouble."

The bartender says, "OK, but I don't understand why you put up with him."

The guy says, "It happened like this. I found an old oil lamp, and being superstitious I rubbed it, and sure enough, out came a genie and granted me three wishes. I asked for a roll of twenties that would never end: POOF, there it was. I asked for two lovely blonde women, one for each arm, who are totally devoted to me: POOF, there they were. So finally I asked for a two-foot prick: POOF, there he was."

The president of Chase Manhattan Bank, after...

After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese business at a really expensive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the accounts for the Taiwanese businessman. However, the prospective client only seems to be interested in the president's secretary. After the dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to spend some time with the man. He tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight in the eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman "I cut. I cut."

Gay sex

And Ya Pull A Knife?

Did you hear about the gay man who was fired...

- He was caught drinking on the job.

Posh spice

A fellow went to work one day and was met...

The fellow then started to drive home when the steering went out on his car and he ran into a carload of nuns. After the policeman let him go with the collection of tickets, he called his insurance company, only to find out that his wife forgot to send in the premium payment and that his insurance ran out last week.

On his way home, he stopped into the bank to get some money and found out that his wife had been there earlier with his best friend and emptied the accounts. After leaving the bank, he was on his way home and saw the fire engines heading down his street. Upon arriving at his house, he discovered that it was indeed his house on fire. The fire chief was sure that it was going to be a total loss. Again, calling the insurance company, he found that the homeowner's insurance also had been cancelled.

By now the fellow was somewhat depressed and went into the local bar. As he was telling his troubles to the bartender the bartender said, "You've got the chance of a lifetime. All your obligations are gone and you can start all over. Why don't you take this bucket, go up to Huckleberry Hill, pick huckleberries, and go door to door selling them."

Well, this sounded O.K. to the fellow, so off he went. After picking most of the day he finally had enough berries to sell. At the first house he stopped at the woman said that she would indeed take all his huckleberries but would he mind coming around to the back door. As the fellow got to the back door the woman opened it and was totally nude. (And not hard on the eyes.)

The fellow just broke down and was weeping hysterically. The woman was quite beside herself and asked what the problem was. The fellow answered "I've lost my job, my car is ruined, my wife ran off with my best friend taking all my money, my house burned down, all my insurance has been cancelled, and now I'm going to be screwed out of my huckleberries."

Mrs. Coutier's first grade class was learning...

In the pond I make duck calls
I was wet up to my calves.

"Oh Pierre," she said, " you didn't understand at all. 'Calls' doesn't rhyme with 'calves'."

"It's not my fault if there wasn't enough water."

A young man is starting his first ever job...

"Inspect her body?" the young man asks.

"Yes", replies the Boss, "Check if everything's OK"

So the young man goes through the door into the room, and the boss waits outside. After what seems like a very long time, the young man comes out of the room.

"Everything OK?" asks the boss.

"Yes", answers the young man, "Except one thing. She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt."

"She's got a prawn stuck up her cunt!!?", exclaims the boss, astonished.

"Yes", replies the young man.

The boss decides he has to go and check this. So he goes into the room, and the young man waits outside. The boss quickly returns, and the young man says, "See, I told you".

"That's not a prawn, that's her clittoris!", explains the boss.

"Well, it tasted like a prawn", answers the young man.

The only thing missing from my sex life is...