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| Posted by Sasha on 09-Aug-2005 | Doing laundryThree women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's.
The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Dimitre Atanasov on 09-Aug-2005 | Fill the apartmentA proper English gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did.
Before he left, he told the girl that he didn't have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment `Rent for Apartment'.
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It bad never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat; and
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it bad been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following letter.
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
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| Posted by Rebecca A. Detrich on 09-Aug-2005 | Wife in ComaA man was visiting his wife in hospital where she had been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in and then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happened.
The man replied, 'She choked.'
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| Posted by Sheauntei Ferguson on 09-Aug-2005 | New car stereoI got a new car stereo the other day. One of those new voice activated ones.
You say 'rock' it plays rock, you say 'rap' and it plays rap.
Some kids ran in front of my car the other day i yelled 'Fuck*n kids' and it played Michael Jackson.
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| Posted by David Zielinski on 14-Aug-2005 | 5 things a guy would never say1.)Hey would you like to send the day at the outlet mall?
2.)Oh My God!!! you got your nails done
3.)Oh no I don't want to go to the football game. Let's stay
home and cuddle.
4.)I don't think you have enough shoes.
5.)I think I should get my cuticles done.
6.)Here you can have the remote.
7.)Carson Daily is SO deep.
8.)Sunday night football? I'd much rather watch Ally!!
9.)Doesn't that shirt look so good on Eric!
10.)It's ok with me if you date more then one guy!!!
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| Posted by Azrael Muadhen on 09-Aug-2005 | Like a babyA young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel tile wedding, it'd be fine by him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.
After she came to, the guy asked,
'I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?'
The girl said,
'You told me it was just like a baby.'
The guy replied,
'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.'
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| Posted by Foxy Mama on 09-Aug-2005 | Which one to chooseA man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test.
He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much, Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000, gives him back the original $5000 and invests the rest in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously the man is impressed.
The man had a difficult choice and thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money and then he married the one with the biggest tits.
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| Posted by Charlie W. Schwartz on 14-Aug-2005 | KissesAn engineering student is walking on campus one day when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get
such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the motorcycle to the ground, took off all her clothes and said
'Take what you want.' " The second engineer nodded approvingly.
"Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much
does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking
male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten
yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his
face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth,
then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and
pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will
pay the bill," she smiled.
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| Posted by Lindsay Drue Whitley on 09-Aug-2005 | Daddys homeSaturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello,' says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy,' says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'
After a brief pause, Bob says,
'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey.'
'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy.'
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house.'
'Okay, Daddy.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
`Well I did what you said, Daddy.'
'And what happened?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead.'
'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.'
There is a long pause, then Bob says,
'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool? Is this 555-*** ....?'
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| Posted by Jezz on 09-Aug-2005 | Little boy in bankA woman and her young son were standing in line at the bank waiting for the next available teller. The little boy was becoming very irritable and his mother was trying to calm him down. Without much luck, she said in a fairly loud voice, "If you don't settle down right now I will pull your pants down in front of the whole bank and spank your butt!!!"
With that the little boy announced, "If you spank my butt, I'll tell the whole bank that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee."
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