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| Posted by FireTiger on 14-Aug-2005 | What I Learned From Horror MoviesIf you ever find yourself in a horror movie situation.....always
remember this.
1. If you say "I'll be right right back".......you're not coming
back.
2. If you decide to sit in a the chair in the middle of a old
dreary cob-webbed room, and the door closes behind you.... it's
not the wind...and you might as well sit in that chair, put your
head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.
3. If your not famous you might as well commit suicide.
4. The person you hate most will always be the one your stuck
with in that life-or-death situation.
5. If you make a new friend your will be the one to ethier find
their mutalated body or see them being killed, while your
helplessly tied to the table.
6. Black dudes alway die first.
7. When the mood of the music changes, RUN LIKE HELL!!!
8. Never, under any cercumstances go to the
BASEMENT.......Hello, darkness, boxes, pipes.........Where is
the first place your killers gonna hide????
9. If you suspect your husband or boyfriend is the killer, but
your best friend tells you your crazy.....she's wrong, he is the
killer and you're next...........DUMP HIS ASS!!! There are other
fish in the sea.
10. The person you least expect weather they stutter, are
small,"too" young, or act timid......they are the killer,
specially the retarded younger brother or sister.
11. When you are being chased in your house by the killer, and
you have two options....the door outside or upstairs.....please,
for god-sake don't go upstairs.
12. If there is a killer in your dreams that has a burnt face
and knives for hands, it's time to buy coffee.....I mean come
on, haven't you seen Freddy Kruger!
13. Attacks by your killers are always after watching a horror
movie.
14. There is always someone in the house that is killed before
you are, then you find them, scream, and run straight into the
killer......SMART ONE!!
15. If you get a phone call, telling you to check
outside.......why bother???? They've already found a way in.
16. if you get an anonomous call from someone breathing
heavily....no, it's not your kid brother playing tricks.....and
it doesn't help to try to call the police cause just as they
pick up, the phone will go dead.......and they will come and
find you mutillated in the living room.
17. If your companions walk out of the room to get something,
you better get out of that damn house, forget them their long
gone.
18.The idea of safety in numbers, does not, I repeat DOES NOT
apply here......eventualy one of you will have to go to the
bathroom.
19. Screaming won't help.......usually your in the middle of the
woods in a small town.
20. When check noices......bring some kind of a
weapon.........no matter how old the house is, or how hard the
winds blowing....Noices don't just happen.
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| Posted by Karkas on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun things to do with your tvAdjust the tint so that the people are green and insist to
others that "you like it like that"
Fiddle with all the knobs constintly
Change chanels 5 minutes before the end of each show
Take it everywhere with you
Name it
When anyone else touches the remote shriek "THATS MINE!"
Ask the people on call in shows for dates
Watch the commercials but never watch the shows
At the climax of a show "accidently" muteit until it is over
Stand in front of someone when they are watching the tv
One word" Documentries
Watch only reruns of shows
Tell people what will happen in the show your watching
Turn the tv off when guests are over and tell them you won't
turn it on until it apologizes
Dress it differently every day
When watching a sports show comment to your friends that "I
could do better"
Make you friends watch you video of how clay is made again, and
again, and again, and again.
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| Posted by andrew j. gregg on 14-Aug-2005 | Medieval Pickup Lines (part 3)"How, you ask, did I get up here to your balcony? Well, I espied you from
Yonder garden. In an instant my er, heart was swelled with lust...er,
love. I had to meet you! So I ranneth over but tripped on a stone thusly
pole-vaulting into your arms."
"I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er...
PUNISH me, now won't you?"
"C'mon, sweetie...Didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps
the black plague away."
"I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"
"Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes
disappear?"
"I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex
with frogs?"
"My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out
of it."
"I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"
"You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only
it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."
"I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."
"Come up to my chamber and I'll show you the largest treasure in the land."
"Wanna polish my pike?"
"Ello, milady, thou art under siege. I shall scale thy battlements with
mine grappling hook!"
"My Lady, dost thou possess a looking glass in thine bodice? For I may
surely see myself within their folds."
"Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."
"I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart."
"Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridge
and let me cross."
"You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and
plundered by now."
"What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"
"You scratch my boils and I'll scratch yours."
"They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."
"My that's a fine set of chalices you have there."
"When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing
they stretched."
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| Posted by John C. Cano on 14-Aug-2005 | Things I Have Learned From Watching Soap Opera1. Everybody has a child that they gave up for adoption, or
don't know they have, appears one day out of the blue as an
adult.
2. 90% of the children are not with their biological parent or
parents. If you do have kids, they either die or get some
horrible disease that is "cured."
3. Don't bother getting married, its only going to last a year
anyway.
4. "I want to be with you the rest of our lives," means only for
the next year.
5. "That was a long time ago," usually means last week.
6. Don't get into cars. If you do, what ever you do, don't take
that seat belt off even for a second, since that is when the car
crashes.
7. If you do, don't get into arguments. The car crashes.
8. If you do, don't drive during storms. The car crashes.
9. If you do, don't be pregnant. The car crashes.
10. If you do, don't go near cliffs. The car falls off.
11. If you do, don't drink. The car crashes.
12. Don't ever believe that anybody is dead, even if you saw the
body.
13. The wrong person is ALWAYS charged with the crime. They are
always going to go to jail for the rest of their lives. When
they finally find the right person, they always get off somehow.
14. DO NOT GO TO THAT PARTY.
15. The new person in town is almost always nasty and is out to
destroy people.
16. Serious conversations are always conducted in public where
they can be interrupted, overheard and above all, misconstrued.
17. Getting the hots for someone means you are now in love (for
the umpteenth time) and want to spend the rest of your live with
them for the next year.
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| Posted by KissyFace on 14-Aug-2005 | Star Wars toys that never made it1) "Luke in Bactine Tank" A favorite scene from "Empire"
recreated in miniature, complete with a removable diaper for
Luke. Unfortunately, it was found that the glowing bactine wash
posed a radioactive health hazard for tykes.
2) "Missile Hand Luke" Luke doll with a special lever on his
back which causes his artificial hand to shoot off at 25 mph.
Manufacturers recalled it when hands started finding their way
into eyeballs, windpipes, and other orifices.
3) "Exploding Death Star" Potential radiation burn/shrapnel
hazard, which did not keep kids from recreating the scene with
their own "normal" Death Star and a few M-60's.
4) "Black Princess Leia" Promoted as competition for Mattel's
popular "Black Disco Barbie"; did not find expected level of
popularity.
5) "Incredible Shavable Han Solo" Sprouted real hair; failed
miserably when tested on real kids.
6) "Dissect An Ewok Kit" The deal was off when Play-doh pulled
out at the last minute.
7) "Nit-laden Chewbacca" Concept behind this was that kids would
enjoy picking nits off of a large, furry Chewbacca. Didn't do
well, since it came with real nits which quickly spread to other
parts of the house.
8) The Ugnaught figures made from Genetically altered mice. PETA
sank that one real quick.
9) Emperor Palpatine Doll/Tesla Coil. Hey kids, real lightning!
Kill your enemies! Nixed due to obvious danger of children
accidentally running up huge power bills.
10) Full scale working Death Star Kit. Kenner built one fully
working model, but it was destroyed. They were halfway finished
with their second when it too was destroyed. Plans were scrapped
to build any more.
11) Darth Vader Funeral Pyre. They couldn't figure out how to
make a character who had been 4 inches tall and thin into a
character 2.5 inches tall and fat as a slug once you removed his
helmet. Also a problem with the fact that it only worked once.
12) Aunt Beru doll. Nixed as just plain stupid. A huge loss to
those fans of Bok Choi and blue Kool-aid out there.
13) "Real-Guts" Tauntaun. Also referred to as "The Visible
Tauntaun." Once you pulled off the skin, you could see all the
internal organs. Much like real tauntauns, it stank to high
heaven. Other problem: Like similar toy "The Visible Man,"
Visible Tauntaun's organs never went back in right and you were
always left with an extra organ or two.
14) "Learn the Force At Home" Kit. Included self-hypnosis
training tapes and rocks to lift. Recalled after thousands of
children with no strong parental figure turned to the Dark Side,
killing their parents and saying things like "You are part of
the Rebel Alliance and you did not make me the type of sandwich
that I like!" while strangling them from across the room.
15) "Fun Fusion Grenade." Seen in the exciting throneroom scene
in Return of the Jedi where a disguised Leia holds it up to
bluff out Jabba the Hutt. Problem was, the kids didn't
understand the concept of a fusion grenade and would often
actually detonate it while trying to bluff their parents into
extending their bedtime.
16) "Mr. Hutt-Head." A Mr. Potato Head ripoff which had a Jabba
body and a series of switchable heads with the faces of famous
fat people. See Rush The Hutt, Willard The Hutt, John Candy The
Hutt, etc. Nixed when famous fat people got angry at being
identified with Pizza Hutt. (they just didn't get it).
17) Pimp Lando Figure. Lando as a loc-ed out pimp daddy. Long
brown leather coat, straight razor, huge afro, gold tooth, etc.
Actually molded, packaged, and ready to be shipped when the
makers of the Shaft figures sued for copyright infringement.
18) Dead Admiral Doll. Well, Vader killed so many Admirals in
the three movies that Kenner figured that there should be a
doll. Problem was, he couldn't be posed and would always fall
over in a heap. Kids decided they could fake it with a normal
Admiral doll and chose not to purchase this no-spined rubbery
thing.
19) Roller Disco Cloud City Worker. Roller Disco went out of
fashion, so the skakes were cut off and the hair removed, and
thus the figure was converted to Lando's Pal Lobot with the
weird headphones.
20) Voices of the Dead Driving Headset. The voice of Ben Kenobi
helps You drive around town. "Watch out for the brown van,
Luke!" "The light is about to turn green, Luke!" Actually a
great help for drivers, but failed on the market due to the fact
that not very many people are named Luke, and no one likes a
back seat driver.
21) Talking Stormtroopers. Pull a string on their chest and they
would say things like "There's one, set for stun!" or "Look Sir,
Droids!" During production the voiceboxes got switched with
talking Barbie. The stormtroopers ended up saying things like:
"Gosh, math is so hard!" and "Let's Go Shopping!" while Barbie
barked out "What do you mean, radiation leak?"
22) Speaking of Radiation Leaks, the best toy of all: The Death
Star Detention center. Eventually it was toned down to two lame
rooms in the 4-story death star playset, but it was originally
conceived of as a set all to itself, with rooms such as "b*s
communications center" where you try to talk your way out of
tight fixes with such lies as "oh, weapons misfire." The hallway
of harmless light: fifty stormtroopers pump bolts of laser fire
down the hall where you and your four friends have no harm done
to you, even though you have no cover to speak of. The best part
about the detention center was that it included some cool dolls:
"torture/interrogation droid," "giggling Moff Tarkin doll," and
"flayed flesh Leia," not to mention "stupid gullible guard"
doll. Eventually stopped by Kenner brass who noticed that
playtesting kids were getting a little too into the torture
room. Fearful of breeding a generation of Salvadorean Death
Squads, they pulled the plug on this toy.
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| Posted by thezaniak on 14-Aug-2005 | PopeyeWhat does Popeye do when his favorite tool gets rusty?
He sticks it in Olive Oil.
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| Posted by Erin on 14-Aug-2005 | MoviesFor the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural
town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at
the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant
$1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies,
popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to
enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
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| Posted by Chelsey Frizzo on 14-Aug-2005 | I Want to Live ForeverA guy found an old lamp, rubbed it, and out came a genie. The
genie said to make 3 wishes. So first he said, "I want to be
rich." All of the sudden his house was filled with gold. Next he
said, "I want all the women I want." He was surrounded by women.
Next he said, "I want to live forever!" The genie turns him into
the Energizer Bunny.
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| Posted by craig brennan on 14-Aug-2005 | Blone: Job Interview: Indiana JonesThere were three girls waiting to have a job interview. One was
a brounette, one was a red head and the other one was a blone.
The brounette was called up first. The job interview was fine
and at the end the guy asked, "How many D's in Indiana Jones?"
And the brounette imidetly answered, "1." same thing happened
with the red head. But when the blonde was asked she started
muttering to her self, " 2,4,6,8,10,13..." Then she asked if she
could borrow a calculater, and after 5 minutes of full on
calculating she came up with the answer, "36." The man asked,
"how on earth did u get that answer?" And the blonde girl
started singing the Indiana jones theme song: "Da, da, da, da,
da,......." (and so on).
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| Posted by David McMorris on 14-Aug-2005 | Seven DwarfsThe seven dwarfs were in a hot tub and started feeling sleepy.
So he got the hell out!
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