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| Posted by Kevin J. Hall on 14-Aug-2005 | Some Star Wars: A New Hope Questions AnsweredMany people seem to not enjoy these movies because they think "that could
never happen" and things like that. These are the answers to the most
commonly asked questions. Hopefully, you will finally find peace.
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE (Episode V + VI to come)
Q: Why do the Stormtroopers wear that clumsy body armor, if it doesn't stop
laser blasts?
A: Because they've indoctrinated the entire population to be scared
shitless of people in white armor.
Q: How does the Death Star travel move from system to system?
A: A real big rubber band.
Q: Why does Death Star have that trench around it?
A: That's where the rubber band fits.
Q: If Darth Vader was strong with the force, how come he didn't notice Han
Solo coming to shoot him near the end?
A: He was busy trying to figure out how come the kid in the X-wing seemed
so familiar.
Q: Why can Death Star's prison doors be opened without a key of any kind?
A: Everyone aboard the Death Star is on the same side.
Q: Why was Luke carrying around a string with a hook on the end in the
first place?
A: It came with his stormtrooper armor; their equipment belts are sort of
like Swiss Army knives.
Q: Why doesn't Chewie get a medal at the end?
A: Official explanation, from the old Official Star Wars Fan Club: medals
are against his religion.
Q: How does Han consider Chewie? Sometimes he treats him like a human, and
other times like a pet (patting him on the head)?
A: It would seem Lucas couldn't make up his mind. Several early drafts of
the script include descriptions like "Chewbacca and his master." I once
read a fan-fiction story that included a conversation between Han Solo
and Harrison Ford. At one point, Ford asked about Han's relationship
with Chewie; the response was, "Nothing like that, we're just good
friends."
Q: If Obi-Wan a long time ago hid Luke away from Darth Vader, why didn't he
change Luke's name?
A: I have not the remotest idea.
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| Posted by Daniel L. Clark on 14-Aug-2005 | Subtitles from Hong KongThe following are actual English subtitles used in films from
Hong Kong:
* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
* Gun wounds again?
* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
* Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
* Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I
am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave
them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
* Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
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| Posted by hell no on 14-Aug-2005 | Sexually Sugestive Lines: The Empire Striks Back10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like
that, huh kid?"
3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
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| Posted by Daniel L. Clark on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 11 signs you watch too much TV11) You end telephone conversations with the phrase, "You are
the weakest link. Goodbye!"
10) You wonder why the people at TV guide have never won the
Pulitzer Prize.
9) Your lifelong dream is to say "Live from New York, its
Saturday Night!!"
8) You keep wooden stakes and garlic handy in case Buffy ever
needs your help.
7) Every time someone angers you, you threaten to "vote them off
the island" the next chance you get.
6) You wonder if the dog from "Frasier" will ever be as big as
Lassie.
5) You write angry letters in Klingon to the producers of Star
Trek wondering why the hell Seven of Nine doesn't get more face
time.
4) You wonder if today is the day the coyote finally catches the
roadrunner.
3) You end every conversation with "And that's the bottom line,
cause (insert your name here) said so."
2) You honestly believe that you can pass medical school based
solely on your knowledge from watching "ER".
and the number one reason you know you've been watching too much
TV...
1) Every time someone answers one of your questions, you ask,
"Is that your final answer?"
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| Posted by Ashley Brown on 14-Aug-2005 | Er... Scottie?A quote from Star Trek:
"Very funny Scottie, now beam down my clothes."
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| Posted by Krazie on 14-Aug-2005 | Hit Television Shows in Iraq"Husseinfeld"
"Mad About Everything"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Suddenly Sanctions"
"Allah McBeal"
"Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
"Matima Loves Chachi"
"The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
"Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
"Achmed's Creek"
"The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
"M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
"Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
"When Kurds Attack"
"Just Shoot Me"
"My Two Baghdads"
"Diagnosis Heresy"
"Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
"Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
"Totally Clothed Baywatch"
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| Posted by Todd A. Miller on 14-Aug-2005 | Better Star Wars DialogueLines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word
"Pants" for key words:
We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
Many bothans died to bring us these pants.
These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use
it.
Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface attack.
I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?
Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to
retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.
Luke... Help me remove these pants.
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
Luke.....I am your pants.
A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my
old master.
Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily
guarded than this.
Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
Luke, search your pants. You know it is true.
Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially
one... Your sister!
Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first
sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
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| Posted by Vanessa Hernandez on 14-Aug-2005 | The Wisdom of Will RogersGood judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n putting'
it back in.
If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
and then to make sure it's still there.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and
shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth
shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
digging.
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person,
don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwing' your weight around, be ready to have it
thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put
it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee
on the electric fence for themselves.
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| Posted by Lester Jones on 14-Aug-2005 | Evil Overlord Handbook Part Three21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a
crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more
positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and
rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that,
death is usually instantaneous.)
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| Posted by Blazin Shorty on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Explicit lines from Star Wars10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
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