|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Justin Lincoln on 14-Aug-2005 | Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes"Can I draw you a beer Norm?" "No, I know what they look like.
Just pour me one."
"How's a beer sound Norm?" "I dunno. I usually finish them
before they get a word in."
"What's shaking Norm?" "All four cheeks and a couple of chins."
"What would you say to a nice beer Normie?" "Going down?"
[Norm comes in depressed. He just stands by the door with a
sullen face.] [mutters]"Afternoon, everybody." "Norm!" "What's
new Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach,
and they're demanding beer."
"What'll it be Normie?" "Just the usual coach. I'll have a froth
of beer and a snorkel."
"What would you say to a beer Normie?" "Daddie wuvs you."
"What'd you like Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another
beer."
"What'll you have Normie?" "Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.
I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap." "Oh, looks
like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky."
"What'd you say Norm?" "Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a
beer."
"What'd you say to a beer Norm?" "Hiya, sailor. New in town?"
[coming in from the rain] "Evening everybody." "Still pouring
Norm?" "That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."
"Whaddya say, Norm?" "Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.
And down it goes."
"Hey Norm, How's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby
treats a diper."
"Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?" "No, I's like a dead cat
in a glass."
"How's life treating you?" "It's not, Sammy, but you can."
"What's the story Mr. Peterson." "The Bobbsey twins go to the
brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey, My. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I
know, and if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?" "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that
says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?" "Yep, now
let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver ,huh?"
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?" "Another layer for the winter,
Wood."
"Whatcha up to Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet
tall."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with
its' wife."
"Women, can't live with 'em.....pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Allright, but stop me at
one....make that one thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody,
and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"How's about a beer, Norm?" "That's that amber sudsy stuff,
right? I've heard good things about it!"
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?" "The question is what's going in
Mr. Peterson?" "A little early isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?"
"No, for stupid Questions."
And, the best for last
"When I go, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my
grandfather, not screaming in terror like the other three people
in his car."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by i-HaVe PmS on 14-Aug-2005 | Drunken StupaThere is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When
the bar closes he gets up to go home.
He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get
out of he door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by.
He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face.
The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say
anything, he leans over and punches her again. This time the nun
hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in
the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall.
By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over
her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not
feeling too strong tonight, are you, Batman!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by michal K on 14-Aug-2005 | Evil Overlord Handbook Part Five41. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a
secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice
will be outlawed and destroyed.
42. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come
by.
43. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and
with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the
main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my
power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be
jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
44. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for
formal occasions.
45. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
46. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
47. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
48. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the
only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to
every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
49. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
50. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in
my old age.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by flickering firefly on 14-Aug-2005 | Survivor, Texas StyleA major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter.
In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The
contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin,
San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will
proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa,
Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and
on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that
reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate
your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by chad t. colarelli on 14-Aug-2005 | Is That Your Final Answer?A husband comes home late one night from work and his wife is
already in bed. He asks, "Honey, do you want to make love?" She
replies, "No." He says, "Is that your final answer?" She says,
"Yes." He then asks, "Well, can I phone a friend?"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Aimee Davis on 14-Aug-2005 | Things to Do at a Boring Movie1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some
Juiji Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls' bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman!
Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend
already is.
16. Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"
17. Gently, very softly, place a single pooped kernel of corn on the head
of the person in front of you.
18. Scream out, "Hey, this isn't Bambi!"
19. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you, then quickley
look back at the screen when they notice, then stare at them again when
they turn back to the screen.
20. See if you can get a moistened Jujy Fruit to stick to the screen.
21. Yell to the projectionist, "Can you pause it? I gotta pee!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by sexy bugger on 14-Aug-2005 | Pebbles FlintstoneOne day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They
were both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy,
what's that?" and Fred says "Th-that's...um...thats daddy's
rock." A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's
vagina. "What's that, mommy?" she asks. "Oh..that..that's
mommy's rock grinder." All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says,
"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out
comes pebbles!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Ryen Rioux on 14-Aug-2005 | Sexually Sugestive Lines: Return of the Jedi13. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I
did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work." (C3PO)
12. "Hey, point that thing someplace else." (Han)
11. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me
master." (Emperor)
10. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" (Leia)
9. "I never knew I had it in me." (C3PO)
8. "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of
Taanab." (Lando)
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it." (Luke)
6. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt,
you'd probably short circuit." (C3PO)
5. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can."
(Jerjerrod)
with reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."(Darth)
4. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost
got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!" (Han)
with "A little higher, just a little higher." (Lando)
3. "Short help's better than no help at all." (Han)
2. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one." (Han)
1. "Back door, huh? Good idea!" (Han)
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Sonya M. Hamilton on 14-Aug-2005 | 'Star Wars' Euphemisms for Masturbation15. Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
14. Grooming the Wookie
13. Making the Kessel Run
12. Polishing Vader's Helmet
11. Evacuating Tatooine
10. Unsheathing the Meatsaber
9. Releasing the Special Edition
8. Jumping to Delight Speed
7. Communicating with Red Leader One
6. Light saber Practice with Captain Solo
5. Tinkering With the R2 Unit
4. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
3. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
2. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
and the Number 1 "Star Wars" Euphemism for Masturbation...
1. Test Firing the Death Star
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by J L. Hodges on 14-Aug-2005 | Yo Mama at the MoviesYo' mama is so fat, when she goes to the movies, they open up a
seperate snack bar just for her.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
