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| Posted by Matt Reed on 14-Aug-2005 | Forest Gump goes to HeavenThe day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He
is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are
closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place
is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance
examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you
need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was
looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance
exams. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough
test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But the test I have for
you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the
week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are
there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the
next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam
questions. St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have
had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week
begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be
Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not
what I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I
guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says St. Peter, "how many seconds in a
year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk
about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second,
February second, March second ...."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with
it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what
I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says St. Peter,
"Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody
probably knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in
heaven, Howard be thy name ...."
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| Posted by Butt-Head M. Beavis on 14-Aug-2005 | Evil Overlord Handbook Part One1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,
not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my
dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept
on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by
the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing
them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and
asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?",
my reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before
you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
I'll say, "No" and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will
be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless
absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large
red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button
marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on
anyone stupid enough not to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF
switch will not clearly be labeled as such. There will be no
Plug.
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| Posted by Sumit W. Khan on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 24 Things To Do At A Movie Theater1. Hum the theme song of the movie out loud.
2. Make finger puppets in front of the projector.
3.When gunshots ring out in the movie yell, "Bang! Bang!"
4. Stick a piece of popcorn to the end of your straw and shoot
it 6 rows ahead of you. (Works even better with unpopped kernels
and Juji fruits.)
5. Use a whoopee cushion. Nuff said.
6. Wear a top hat.
7. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
8. Go, "Oooooooooooooohhhhh!" during the kissing scenes.
9. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
10. Make a noise like your passing gas and say, "Ahh...."
11. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can
have some Juji Fruits for your asthma.
12. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast forward it?"
13. When the bad guy is about to do something devious, yell at
the top of your lungs, "Watch out!"
14. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
15. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girl's bathroom is
flooding.
16. If you've seen the movie before, at the climax, yell out
what happens next.
17. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink. ;)
18. wear a cape and when it's your turn to get popcorn yell,
"I'm Batman! Ha! Ha!" and run away.
19. Yell, "FIRE!!!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
20. Gently, very softly, place a single kernel of popcorn on the
head of the man in front of you.
21. Say that this person can't sit next to you because your
invisible friend is sitting there.
22. Scream out, "Hey, this isn't Bambi!"
23. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you, then
quickly look back at the screen when they look at you. Then,
when they turn away, stare again.
24. See if you can get a sticky Juji fruit to stick to the
screen.
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| Posted by Allan Dennison on 14-Aug-2005 | Star Wars vs. TitanicReasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic:
Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. Star Wars has
WAY cooler action figure potential. Yoda could use the Force to
lift Titanic out of the water. Leia is a princess, a senator, a
freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.
Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the
size of that thing!" and really mean it.
It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a
raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic
characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed
amphibians to Admiral.
Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.
We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and
treats his fianc]e like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad
guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.
Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? People have not
lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from StarWars on the
bow of a cruise liner.
Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the
Hut.
Two words: John Williams.
There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. Do you know
what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?
If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship,
he would use the Force to get the key.
"I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the
same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
Han is frozen in carbonate and turned into a wall ornament. Leo
simply freezes.
We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated
"Luke... I am your father"?
Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!
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| Posted by thomas mindenhall on 14-Aug-2005 | Evil Overlord Handbook Part Seven61. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will
slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to
mature.
62. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
immediately come after me for revenge.
63. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I
will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out
to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
64. My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh power
books. They will also have a virus protection program -- just in case.
65. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they
are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
66. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
him to a less people-oriented position.
67. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.
68. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well'' and kill her.
69. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
70. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance,
I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
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| Posted by John D on 14-Aug-2005 | Evil Overlord Handbook Part Two11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -
I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it
anyway.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I
simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.
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| Posted by Judge Fu on 14-Aug-2005 | Austin Powers Pick up lines1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of
these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my
package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only
one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed
Thrasher,have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell
outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I
could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is
only a light switch away.
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even
farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.
19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
21. F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my
bedroom floor.
23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it
later.
24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by
again?
25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to
you.
28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want
to.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you
been drinking?
30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth,
I bet we could do it in public.
31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you
like pizza?
32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home
without me.
33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I???
34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in
them.
35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.
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| Posted by Eric Farmer on 14-Aug-2005 | Evil Overlord Handbook Part Six51. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
number among his army.
52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.
53. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
devices.
54. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being
executed. Those that take more than two seconds to respond will be killed
either way.
55. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. Not that the key
will be anywhere near the hero.
56. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks
and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. I
will then lie to her, and see if she betrays me.
57. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to
give the other guy a sporting chance.
58. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be
neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talisman.
59. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for
failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random, totally reliable
underling.
60. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
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| Posted by Timothy J. Russin on 14-Aug-2005 | Actual Q's and A's on Family FuedQ: Something in the garden thats green?
A: A shed.
Q: Something that flies that doesnt have an engine?
A: A bicycle with wings.
Q: Something you could be allergic to?
A: Skiing.
Q: Name a famous brige?
A: The bridge over troubled water.
Q: Something a cat does?
A: Goes to the bathroom.
Q: Something you can do in the bathroom?
A: Decorate.
Q: Name an animal you might see at the zoo?
A: A dog.
Q: Something associated with cops?
A: Pigs.
Q: A sign of the zodiac?
A: April.
Q: Something slippery?
A: A con man.
Q: A kind of ache?
A: Fillet 'O' fish.
Q: A food that could be brown or white?
A: Potato.
Q: A potato topping?
A: Jam.
Q: Something with a hole in it?
A: A window.
Q: Non-living creature with legs?
A: Plant.
Q: A domestic animal?
A: Leopard.
Q: Part of the body that starts with "N"?
A: Knee.
Q: A way of cooking fish?
A: Cod.
Q: Something you open other than the door?
A: Your bowels.
Q: Name something a blind person might use?
A: A sword.
Q: Name a song with moon in the title?
A: Blue suade moon.
Q: Name a bird with a long neck?
A: Naomi Campell.
Q: Name a occupation that you might need a torch?
A: A burgler.
Q: Name a famous brother and sister?
A: Bonnie and clyde.
Q: Name a dangerous race?
A: The arabs.
Q: Name a item or clothing worn by the tree musketeers?
A: Horse.
Q: Name something that floats in the bath?
A: Water.
Q: Name something you wear at the beach?
A: A deck chair.
Q: Name something thats red?
A: A cardigan.
Q: Name a famous cowboy?
A: Buck rogers.
Q: Something you do before going to bed?
A: Sleep.
Q: Something you put on the walls?
A: Roofs.
and the best ever screw up on family fued is.........
Q: Name a number you have to memorize?
A: 7.
Who let these people on the show??
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| Posted by Emily A. Swatkowski on 14-Aug-2005 | Evil Lord Handbook Part Four31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously
allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather,
it gives me the opportunity to kill him while he is distracted.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed
chamber.
34. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason
I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
35. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to
attempt this.
36. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
37. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I
will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural
reason.
38. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into
confusion.
39. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will
surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic
relief.
40. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
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