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| Posted by craig brennan on 14-Aug-2005 | Blone: Job Interview: Indiana JonesThere were three girls waiting to have a job interview. One was
a brounette, one was a red head and the other one was a blone.
The brounette was called up first. The job interview was fine
and at the end the guy asked, "How many D's in Indiana Jones?"
And the brounette imidetly answered, "1." same thing happened
with the red head. But when the blonde was asked she started
muttering to her self, " 2,4,6,8,10,13..." Then she asked if she
could borrow a calculater, and after 5 minutes of full on
calculating she came up with the answer, "36." The man asked,
"how on earth did u get that answer?" And the blonde girl
started singing the Indiana jones theme song: "Da, da, da, da,
da,......." (and so on).
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| Posted by David McMorris on 14-Aug-2005 | Seven DwarfsThe seven dwarfs were in a hot tub and started feeling sleepy.
So he got the hell out!
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| Posted by Faisal Moussly on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 things to do at a plaza1. On the escalator, scream to someone, "HOLD ON!!! DON'T
PANIC!!!"
2. Go to a girl's clothing store, if you're a male, and ask the
cashier, "Do you have any D-cup Bras? I need one... err, I mean,
MY SISTER NEEDS ONE!" and run away.
3. Go to a senior citizen's shop, and start singing, "Who let
the dogs out?"
4. Do #3 without getting the crap kicked out of you by an old
fart.
5. When you come across a toy store, pick up a Pikachu doll, get
a fake lighter, and ask some kid; "Do you know how Pikachu died?"
6.When you see some fruity mascot, go up to him, scream real
loud in his face, then run up to a cop and say, "Mister, that
guy right there just molested me!" Watch the fun as the mascot
gets his ass arrested and beaten down by the cops.
7. Do #6, this time harrasing the fruit.
8. Go to the video store and ask if they have "Battlefield
Earth" in stock. Tell them you're willing to pay $100 for the
DVD. When they're through ringing it up, yell, "Why the hell are
you ripping me off? I expected to pay only 2 cents, not even,
for this piece of crap movie!"
9. BE CAREFUL DOING THIS ONE! IN FACT, DON'T EVEN TRY IT!
When you see janitors delivering fire extinguishers, yell
"FIRE!!!"
and run for your life.
10. In the food restaurants, try some of the "20 things to do in
a fast food restaurant drive thru."
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| Posted by Penny Oliver on 14-Aug-2005 | Islamic BuckwheatBuckwheat joined the Nation of Islam...
His new name is Kareem of Wheat.
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| Posted by Periwinkle on 14-Aug-2005 | Vulgar languageWhat were the first curse words heard on T.V.?
"Ward, you were a little rough on the Beaver last night."
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| Posted by Krusty Dancer on 14-Aug-2005 | Bart Simpson's LessonsA collection of lessons from Bart Simpson over the years:
1990
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I will not waste chalk.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
Tar is not a play thing.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
I will not trade pants with others
I will not yell 'fire' in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not Xerox my butt.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
1991
I will not sleep through my education.
I will not cut corners.
I will finish what I sta___.
The Christmas pageant does not stink.
I will not sell school property.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not make flatulent noises in class.
I will not belch the national anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not show off.
I am not a dentist.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
I will not squeak chalk.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
1992
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
A burp is not an answer.
My name is not "Dr. Death".
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
I will not spin the turtle.
I will not fake seizures.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not spank others.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
1993
I will not yell "She's dead" during roll call.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will not eat things for money.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
Goldfish don't bounce.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will never win an emmy.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
1994
No one is interested in my underpants.
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals.
My home work was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of major
league baseball.
Beans are neither fruit nor musical.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
I will not dissect things unless instructed.
I will not whittle hall passes out of soap.
I will not send lard through the mail.
Ralph wont "Morph" if you squeeze him hard enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
1995
The boys room is not a water park.
No one wants to hear from my armpits.
I am not a lean mean spitting machine.
I do not have power of attorney over first graders.
Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does.
This is not a clue ... or is it?
I will not complain about the solution when I hear it.
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist.
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.
"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism.
Nerve gas is not a toy.
Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things.
I will only do this once a year.
The first amendment does not cover burping.
Adding 'just kidding' doesn't make it okay to insult the
principal.
I will not hang donuts on my person.
Next time it could be me on the scaffolding.
I will not strut around like I own the place.
I will remember to take my medication.
I will not mock Mrs Dumbface.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
1996
I am not certified to remove asbestos.
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| Posted by Hott Momma! on 14-Aug-2005 | Little Red PainLittle Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest when she
sees the Big Bad Wolf behind the bushes. She walks up to him and
says, "My, what big eyes you have!" The wolf then jumps up and
runs away.
Later on, Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, but this time he
was behind a tree, she walks up to him again and says, "My, what
big ears you have!" Again, the wolf jumps up and runs from her.
As she continued her walk she sees the wolf a third time behind
a fence, she walks up to him and says, "My, what big teeth you
have!" The wolf popped up from behind the fence and says, "Damn
it, would you leave me alone? I am trying to take a shit!!!"
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| Posted by Little Devil on 14-Aug-2005 | George of the Jungle vs TitanicPrepare yourself. I have uncovered information that may shock and upset
you. Much like the Kennedy/Lincoln connections, it has come to my
attention that George of the Jungle and Titanic are basically the same
movie. While looking at the cultural values of films in my Lit class, I
accidently stumbled across this exciting news.
GEORGE: High society Ursula is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Lyle
Vandergroot but ends up in love with third class George.
TITANIC: High society Rose is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Cal Huckley
but ends up falling for third class Jack.
GEORGE: Ursula first meets George after he saves her life.
TITANIC: Rose first meets Jack when he saves her life.
GEOGRE: Ursula goes to thank George and ends up spending the rest of the
day with him.
TITANIC: Rose goes to thank Jack and ends up spending the rest of the day
with him.
GEORGE: Ursula sees George's sensitive side when he cheers up a monkey.
TITANIC: Rose sees Jack's sensitive side when he cheers up a little girl.
GEORGE: Ursula starts falling for George when they first dance together.
TITANIC: Rose starts falling for Jack when they first dance together.
GEORGE: George is invited to a high society party.
TITANIC: Jack is invited to a high society party.
GEORGE: Ursula's mother forbids the love of Ursula/George
TITANIC: Rose's mother forbids the love of Jack/Rose
GEORGE: Lyle disposes of George by locking him in a cage.
TITANIC: Cal disposes of Jack by locking him in a room.
GEORGE: Ursula gives up everything to be with George.
TITANIC: Rose gives up everything to be with Jack.
GEORGE: George sacrifices his body in order to save Ursula.
TITANIC: Jack sacrifices his life in order to save Rose.
GEORGE: George is the self-proclaimed "King of the Jungle."
TITANIC: Jack is the self-proclaimed "King of the World"
GEORGE: Ursula wears a special necklace which reminds her of George.
TITANIC: Rose saves a special necklace which reminds her of jack.
GEORGE: Rich, snooty fiance mocks the natives for their knowledge of
photography and the ape for his choice of reading material, but they turn
out to know more than he does.
TITANIC: Rich, snooty fiance mocks his girlfriend for her knowledge of art
and her choice of reading material, but she turns out to know more than he
does.
GEORGE: George likes the feel of the wind on his face when he rides in the
limo.
TITANIC: Jack likes the feel of the wind on his face when he stands at the
bow.
GEORGE: "George just lucky I guess"
TITANIC: Jack says how lucky he is to have won the card game.
GEORGE: George doesn't have appropriate clothing for society events.
TITANIC: Jack doesn't have appropriate clothing for society events.
GEORGE: A benevolent ape helps George overcome his social inadequacies.
TITANIC: A benevolent passenger helps Jack overcome his social
inadequacies.
GEORGE: George returns to a dangerous situation to rescue an ape, who is
locked up and treated like an animal.
TITANIC: Jack returns to a dangerous situation to rescue a boy, who had
been locked up and treated like an animal.
GEORGE: Ursula is delighted to see unfamiliar forest creatures enjoying
their native songs.
TITANIC: Rose is delighted to see unfamiliar third-class creatures
enjoying their native songs.
GEORGE: George is left parentless due to a tragic mass-transportation
accident.
TITANIC: Jack is left lifeless due to a tragic mass-transportation
accident.
GEORGE: George dangles from a bridge to help a suicidal stranger.
TITANIC: Jack dangles from the bridge of a ship to help a suicidal
stranger.
GEORGE: George is a cartoon character brought to life through the magic of
movies.
TITANIC: Cal is a live person turned into a cartoon character through the
magic of movies.
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| Posted by Billy on 14-Aug-2005 | Commercials Tell AllHere are a few things that you probably never knew, but the
commercials helped us to realize.
- When mentioning a product, it is required to say the entire
name, and manufacturer.
- When you wash your hair, don't worry about a hairdryer, just
shake your head back and forth with a sexy little motion, and
it'll be dry.
- If you have heartburn, don't worry!! The person next to you is
a doctor.
- If you have heartburn, and your seat partner isn't a doctor,
then your cab driver/bartender/waitress has a bottle of antacid
within reach.
- When having large groups of people over for dinner, it is
necessary to serve spaghetti and bread rolls. And someone has to
spill wine.
- All restaurant owners are Italian
- Your new carpet spray/toilet scrub/shower cleaner will always
get out that spilled juice/scum/grease, and leave your
carpet/shower/toilet whiter than before
- The person across from you knows what your doctor prescribed,
and they have it sitting beside them.
- Every household has one really shaggy dog that sheds all the
time.
- Looking for a product that works? A really peppy, and friendly
mom will point out that it's right to your right and above your
head!
- The number one choice of medicine in households and clinics
around the world are six different brands.
- Hair doesn't frizz
- Lip color lasts forever
- Amusement parks have special invisible rides that can be seen
on T.V., but not in person.
- Your mattress is the worst mattress in the world, but your new
mattress is the greatest.
- If you can't sleep, you'll shift around madly and frown.
- Everyone sleeps with one hand behind their pillow, one hand on
top, and the sheets at their armpits. Unless you are sick.
I bet you never knew any of that! Aren't you glad that I found
out for you!
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| Posted by The Almighty Gino on 14-Aug-2005 | Redneck JediYou Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...
- You've ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
- Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm
Strawberry Hill.
- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
- You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
- You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
- Wookies are offended by your B.O.
- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
have to wait for a commercial.
- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the
darkside...it'll be a hoot."
- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
- You think Han Solo would look better in flannel cause he looks like a
little sissy in that vest.
- You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in
through the window.
- Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had
a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
- You ever fell in love with your sister.
- You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as
"them damn Yankees."
- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck.
- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the
cantina scene.
- In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right."
- If the man you're looking for is named Billy-Bob Kenobi
- If you ever used C-3PO or R2D2 to jumpstart your X-Wing.
- If you ever tied deer to your landspeeder.
- Whenever you blow up a Death Star, you can't help but say "Yeeee
Haaawww!"
- Your visit to Dagobah was just an excuse to get in some good fishin' and
wear your waders.
- You have a John Deere flight helmet. Or a Caterpillar one. Or both.
- You understand how being in zero-g can ruin a good chaw. (Spitting's a
lot less fun, for one thing)
- When your father cuts off your arm with a light saber, the first thought
that runs through your head is "Dang! How am I gonna use my shotgun
*now*?"
- You've actually said "Han... I *love* you, man!" in an attempt to get
his beer.
- You think the Empire's just a bunch of Commie Fay-gits, and we oughta
just blow 'em all up and the Force sort 'em out.
- You're a member of the NLA (National Lightsaber Association.) and have a
rack on the back of your landspeeder and/or x-wing fighter and/or Banta.
- You can moon your buddies without crashing your X-wing.
- Before R2D2 can get into your x-wing, you've gotta clear the empty beer
cans out of the back.
- Not only do you know what an Ewok tastes like, but you know how to skin
one, and can recognize their "spoor".
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