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| Posted by Tom on 14-Aug-2005 | Ugliest man in the worldOne day, Hercules, Snow White and the Quasimoto (Hunchback of
Notre Dame) were standing around talking.
Hercules spoke up and said, "I bet I am the strongest man in the
world." Snow White then looked around and said, "Well I bet that
I am the most beautiful person in the world." Then Quasimoto
looks around and quietly said, "I suppose that I am the ugliest
man in the world."
An old man who had been listening in on there conversation said,
"There is a psychic on top of that hill up there, why don't you
each go in there and ask her yourself?" The three friends agreed
and they hiked to the top of the hill.
Hercules went in first and came out a few minutes later and
said, "I was right, I am the strongest man in the world." Snow
White went in next. She came out a few minutes later and said,
"I was also right, I am the most beautiful person in the world."
Finally it was Quasimoto's turn. He went in and after a few
minutes he came out scratching his head. He looks up at his
friends and said, "Who is Dennis Rodman?"
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| Posted by James P. Bond on 14-Aug-2005 | Mike TysonWhy did Mike Tyson [the boxer] buy a whole corn field?
So he could bite some more ears.
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| Posted by Plumbum on 14-Aug-2005 | Timbuck TooOne day an Aggie and a Longhorn (football teams) were applying
for the same job, the manager said, ok, you both go home and
make up a poem using the words "Timbuck Too" the next day they
both came back, the longhorn read first. "Over the hills, I do
see too, my eyes stuck like glue, Timbuck Too." the manager, put
the poem from on a scale from 1-10, an 7. then it was the aggies
turn " One day, a fine hill we went, we saw 3 fine ladies in a
tent. The ladies said "There's 3 of us and two of you," so, I
said "I buck one, and Tim, buck too!"
Now just imagine who won...
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| Posted by Jenna L. Reed on 14-Aug-2005 | Leafs vs. HabsOne cold winter day a couple of kids were playing hockey on Lake
Ontario and a vicious dog ran up and started biting one of the
kids' legs. Thinking fast the other kids took his hockey stick
and started beating the dog until it was dead.
A news reporter for the Toronto Sun was walking by and saw the
entire incident and came runny up to the kids. He pulled out his
memo book and starts writing: "Little Leafs fan saves boy from
vicious dog." The boy said, "I'm not a Leaf fan."
The reporter said, "Oh since you lived in Toronto I just figured
you were," and crosses out what he had written and started to
write again: "Little Blue Jays fan saves boy from vicious dog."
And again the boy said, "I'm not a Blue Jay's fan."
The reporter thinks for a minute and said, "Oh since you live in
Toronto I figured you were either a Jays fan or a Leafs fan, who
do you cheer for?" The boy replied, "I'm a Habs fan." So the
reporter flipped to a different page and started to write:
"Little French bastard kills beloved family pet."
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| Posted by cherry lover on 14-Aug-2005 | Baseball PlayerWhy Did the Baseball player bring rope to the game?
He wanted to tie the score.
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| Posted by Kevin McGee on 14-Aug-2005 | Stupid camps1. Quiditch camp (no children cannot fly)
2. Sailor camp ( no they will not end up on broadway)
3. Star Wars camp ( no it is not possible to become Chubbaca)
4. Star Trek Camp (Mr. Bernard is there)
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| Posted by Julie Cooper on 14-Aug-2005 | Beckham's PuzzleAlex Ferguson is at Old Trafford with the whole of the
Manchester United Football Team watching them train, when he
realizes that golden boy David Beckham is absent. He takes out
his mobile phone and calls the Beckhams at home.
David - "Hello".
Alex - "David, where the hell are you? Training started 10
minutes ago!"
David - "I'm sorry boss, but me and Victoria were doing this
jigsaw puzzle with Brooklyn and we've gotten completely stuck.
Brooklyn will be so upset if we can't finish it!"
Alex - "Look, I want you here within half an hour okay?"
An hour goes by - no David. Alex rings him again.
David - "Hello".
Alex - "I told you I wanted you here 30 minutes ago, what's
going on? We've got an important match on Saturday!"
David - "I'm so sorry boss, but we still can't get this jigsaw
done. It's supposed to be a picture of a Tiger, and it looks so
cute on the box...but we just can't fit it together. I'm afraid
Brooklyn's starting to get really upset."
Alex - "For God's sake just get here now."
An hour goes by - still no David. Alex is furious by now and
calls David again.
David - "Hello".
Alex - "Get your backside over here right now, or I'll fine you
a months' wages."
David - "Oh boss I do want to come, but this jigsaw still isn't
complete. Victoria is in tears and Brooklyn is screaming blue
murder...I just can't leave."
Alex - "For Christ's sake David, if I come over and finish the
bloody thing for you will you PLEASE come to training".
David - "Yeah, that would be great".
So Alex gets into his car and speeds over to the Beckham
residence. He knocks on the door and an agitated David answers.
David - "Thank God it's you boss, come in. We're in the kitchen."
Alex follows David through to the kitchen where he finds
Brooklyn on his mother's lap. Victoria is sat hunched over the
kitchen table brow furrowed in concentration. David joins her.
Alex approaches the kitchen table and takes a look.
Alex (sighs) - "For God's sake David, clear those Frosties off
the table and back into the box and let's go!"
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| Posted by GoofyGirl on 14-Aug-2005 | College Bowl GamesTwo Actual California Community College Bowl Games:
Hawaiian Punch Bowl
Pacific Graffiti Bowl
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| Posted by sam bennett on 14-Aug-2005 | Dave Barry's version of the '96 OlympicsArticle by Dave Barry on Olympic Coverage
TRUMPETS: BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!
BOB COSTAS: Good evening, and as you can tell by the sound of the Olympic
Theme Song that we play almost as much as we show Kerri Strug's historic
vault, it's time for our broadcast of The Recently Videotaped Olympic
Games Featuring Americans. We're going to start by taking you right to the
track-and-field stadium, where the men's 100-meter dash is about to get
under way, despite the fact that it actually happened 4 hrs ago.
TRACK COMMENTATOR:Bob, this promises to be an exciting race, featuring
Americans.
COSTAS:And what are the obstacles that these Americans have overcome to
create a Human Interest Factor for our broadcast?
TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, from left to right, they have overcome psoriasis,
vertigo and a bad allergy to vinaigrette dressing.
COSTAS: We'll come back to the men's 100-meter final, but right now we're
going to replay the video of Kerri Strug, an American,overcoming her ankle
injury to make her courageous vault. (Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: What a human moment! Time for a commercial.
ANNOUNCER: We're IBM. We're a giant corporation with vast computer
expertise That's why we're in charge of keeping track of all the
statistics for these, the Olympic Games of 1953. Thank you.
BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM!
COSTAS: Now we're going to take you to women's beach volleyball, where the
sun is shining brightly despite the fact that it is now 10:37 p.m. on the
East Coast.
BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Thanks, Bob. This is Holly McPeak, an
American, and as you can see in this digitized, computer-enhanced,
ultra-slow-motion Beach Cam closeup shot, she has overcome cellulite.
COSTAS: I'll say. When is she going to serve?
BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: She'll be serving in about 4 seconds, Bob.
COSTAS: I'm sorry, but we don't have that kind of time, because we need to
show this Heartwarming Moment. (Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: Now let's go out to the cycling competition, where I believe we
have a race involving an American.
CYCLING COMMENTATOR: That is correct, Bob. We have an American shown here
pedaling furiously in 637th place, with a solid chance to move up to 636th.
COSTAS: What obstacle has this American overcome?
CYCLING COMMENTATOR: Bob, he is overcoming one hellacious case of
hemorrhoids.
COSTAS: We'll have more on that exciting cycling race, but right now we're
going to return to the Olympic track stadium for an update on the men's
100-meter dash.
TRACK COMMENTATOR: Bob, the race started about two seconds ago and should
be over in about eight more seconds. None of the Americans has fallen down.
COSTAS: We're going to break away from the men's 100-meter dash at this
point, but we will be covering it throughout the course of the evening.
Right now, however, we want you to see this moment, captured by our NBC
cameras. (Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: Now let's head out to the pool to check on the progress of the
American swimmers, all of whom have overcome asthma.
SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Bob, here we see an American swimmer winning a race.
This happened earlier.
COSTAS: How much earlier?
SWIMMING COMMENTATOR: Twenty-four years, Bob. This is Mark Spitz.
COSTAS: Time for this commercial.
ANNOUNCER: We're the Nike Corporation. We pay famous athletes millions of
dollars to wear our shoes. Because of this, you, the public, pay absurdly
high prices for these shoes. Is that stupid, or what? Thank you.
BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM! (Kerri Strug vaults.)
COSTAS: OK, right now there are exciting gold-medal competitions going on
in archery, shooting, rowing, kayaking, table tennis, softball,
volleyball, team handball and judo, so right now we're going to take you
to beach volleyball.
BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR: Bob, as you can see, American Holly McPeak
is bending over.
COSTAS: I'll say.
BOM! BOM! BOM-BOM BOM BOM BOM! (Kerri Strug vaults.)
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| Posted by c?line rioux on 14-Aug-2005 | TysonWhy does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
They invented mace!
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| Posted by ~SwEeT*HeArT~ on 14-Aug-2005 | Philadelphia Eagles Football SchedulePhiladelphia Eagles Football Schedule
September
15 Gov. Mifflin Jr. High
22 Cub Scout Troop 101
29 PA Blind Academy
October
6 Spanish American War Vets
13 Cripple Children's Home
20 Wernersville State Hospital
27 Girl Scout Troop 353
November
3 PA VD Clinic Post #3
10 Philadelphia Boy's Choir
17 Korean Amputees
Special Monday Night Game
December
9 Utopia Gay Boys
RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR
1. When playing the polio patients, Eagles must not disconnect
leg braces.
2. When playing the blind academy, Eagles must not hide the
football under their jerseys.
RULES THE SAME AS LAST YEAR
1. A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal
line, for all you Eagle fans that have never seen one) is still
worth 6 points.
2. The Eagles will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3. The Eagles will be allowed to substitute with the band
members at any time during the course of the game.
4. The Eagles will be allowed 10 time-outs as opposed to 3 for
the other team.
5. The Eagles will be awarded a first down for each gain of 3
yards or more.
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| Posted by eric s. jozovich on 14-Aug-2005 | Brainy BeckhamBeckham is at a press conference, and has just been asked a
question. "They keep your breath fresh for hours, and they're
only 2 calories!" he replies smiling. The weary journalist shook
his head, and said, "Tactics, David - I asked you about tactics!"
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| Posted by MamasGirL Angel on 14-Aug-2005 | Jock JemsBasketball player Chris Washburn, on his ability to drive to the
basket, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because
I'm amphibious.
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein." Football commentator and former player
Joe Theismann (1996)
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." "You guys pair up
in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Bill Peterson, a
Florida State football coach.
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out
smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when
I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking
clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece, "I can't really remember the names of the
clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships, "I've won at
every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime
of heavyweight Andrew Golota, "He's a guy who gets up at six
o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
1992 - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his
team's 7-27 record, "We can't win at home. We can't win on the
road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to
play."
1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
practice, "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm
going to be an uncle or an aunt."
1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator
fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20
books, "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored
yet." 1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday
nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, "It's basically the
same, just darker."
1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player, "I
told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins, "He treats us like men. He lets us wear
earrings."
1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four Fs and one D, "Son,
looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
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| Posted by Mr Subaru on 14-Aug-2005 | Yogi-isms (By Yogi Berra, Baseball Player)1. I die rarely.
2. It's a deja vu all over again.
3. It's not over till it's over.
4. If you come to a fork in the road.....take it!
5. I really didn't say everything that I said.
6. You can observe a lot just by watching.
7. Never reply to an anonymous letter.
8. I usually take a 2-hour nap from 1 to 4.
9. When asked what time it was, I said; you mean now?
10. At Yogi Berra day in St Louis 1947: "I want to thank you for
making this day necessary."
11. If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.
12. Yogi on the 1969 NY Mets "overwhelming underdogs."
13. If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark,
nobody's going to stop them.
14. On why NY lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh; "We made to
many wrong mistakes."
15. The future ain't what it used to be.
16. It gets late early out here.
17. Nobody ever goes to that resturant over there, it's too
crowded.
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