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| Posted by The One on 14-Aug-2005 | The "Brother"Sarah handed in her report which was neatly typed in double
spaced 12 font. The next week, Ms. Tea the teacher told another
girl, Rebecca to hand out the reports that were graded.
Everyone got theres back except Sarah. "Oh no, she thought, I
hope she didn't lose it, i worked so hard on it!" So Sarah went
up to Ms. Tea and asked where her report was. Ms Tea said, "
Oh, i liked it and all, but on the back of it, it said, Ms. Tea
loves making out with an elephant!" Sarah said, " it must have
been my brother henry, he always messes around with my stuff!
Last night, he must of wrote that horrible sentence while i was
taking a shower! Ms. Tea said, " oh, then i feel bad for you
Sarah, here, i loved this report, i give you an A+! Oh and here
is a lollipop for the wonderful job! The next day, another
report was due, and it was an oral report this time. It was
Sarah's turn up, and she wrote about George Washington. "
George Washington as you all know, was our first president, and
i found out that he never was a liar, unlike Ms. Tea, who always
lies. Yes, she says she does classroom work at lunchtime, but
really, she goes into the janitor closet with a guy and... "
Can You please come up here please Sarah at once!" Ms. Tea was
furious. " Do you know what you just read?" she asked. Sarah
said, " no, i was just reading my paper, i wasn't paying any
attention to what i was reading! But i just noticed, and you
know what? I think it was henry again, last night, while
brushing my teeth, he probably changed it! AGAIN! He is always
trying to get me into trouble, ALWAYS! The last week, he put
toothpaste in my pants in my drawer, then mom found out, and
punished me because she thought i wasted toothpaste, and i had
to use the toothpaste out of my pants to brush my teeth from
then on till now!" Ms. Tea them suddenly changed her
expression, and said, " oh i really feel soooo bad for you,
heres another A+ and a lollipop! Good job!" That night, Ms.
Tea phoned Sarah's mother and said " Hello, this is Ms. Tea,
sarah's teacher." Sarah's mother said " oh what has she done
now?" Ms tea said, " oh nothing, nothing at all, its just that i
think you should watch over henry, sometimes henry does things
to get Sarah into trouble, and... " Wait, hold on," said Sarah's
mother, " Who's Henry??
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| Posted by Joshua R. Cameron on 14-Aug-2005 | LumberjackA large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that
they were looking for a good lumberjacks. The very next day, a
skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked
on the head lumberjack's door. The head lumberjack took one look
at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the
skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the
lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man
headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on
the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and asked, "Where did
you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara
Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert,"
said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back,
"Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
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| Posted by Barrett A. Willis on 14-Aug-2005 | Pussy TreatsA blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a
package on the counter, and loudly expressed her
dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't
your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and
whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant
for cats?"
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| Posted by Lindsay Drue Whitley on 14-Aug-2005 | Ballerina at the BarA rough looking women in her fifties was sitting ay a bar. She
had incredibly hairy armpits so whenever she raised her arm to
order a drink a massive hair was visible to all of her fellow
drinkers. At closing time a drunk at the far end of the bar
pointed to the women and said to the bartender Id like to buy
the ballerina a drink.
Shes not a ballerina said the bartender. What makes you think
she is a ballerina?
The drunk replied: Any girl that can lift her legs that high has
to be a ballerina.
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| Posted by Tera M. Sorensen on 14-Aug-2005 | Does Ya Dick Touch Ya BumJohn, who's 7 asks his dad, "Dad, can you buy me a bike?" and
his dad said, "Son, does your Dick touch your Bum?" and the kid
replied "no"
"Well Theres your answer mate" A couple of years later when
johns 10 he asks his dad "Dad, Can you buy me a skateboard?"
once again he replied "Son, does your Dick touch your Bum?" and
then once again his son replied "no" "Well there is your answer
then" His dad said. Years later when john was 16 he came to his
father again and asked "Dad can you buy me a motorbike?" for the
last time his Dad replied "SON!, DOES YOUR DICK TOUCH YOUR BUM?"
and Johnny said "no it doesnt" "WELL THERES YOUR ANSWER." 5
years later when Johnny was 21 he won lotto.
His Dad asked him "John, Its been abit of a hard year out on the
farm, do ya think we can can have some money?" "Well Dad, Does
ya Dick touch ya bum?" "Well son actually it does"
"WELL DAD, GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
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| Posted by Joe Bratone on 14-Aug-2005 | 20 responses to wrong #'s 2This is Part 2 to the 20 responses to wrong numbers. This also
can be used for salespeople...
21. "Talk" in an animal voice, example "Meowmeow? ohhhh meow
meow meow meow"
22. Talk to them like you're an answering machine and when they
say something, respond to it.
23. Act like you know them and if they ask you a trick question
and you got it wrong say, "You know me...forgetful"
24. Say you can't speak English...in English.
25. Ask them what color phone they have. When they say a color
comment on what a nice color that their phone is. example: wrong
number person: "Uhhhh, my phone's yellow" You: oh! pink is such
a nice color.
26. Yell at them for not calling sooner and than ask who they
are.
27. Ask them personal questions.
28. Pretend to be going to the bathroom while you're talking to
them.
29. Offer to draw them.
30. Ask what city you should blow up, when/if they suggest a
city, threaten to call the police.
31. Tell them what you're doing to them. example: "I'm blowing
bubbles in your face and you're hungry, so I go to the
bathroom..."
32. Ask them to stop speaking, time the silence, if they speak
tell them that this has been going on since 1877 and if they
don't email this to 1000 people in ten minutes.....(you get the
idea)
33. Pretend you are an answering machine and go on and on until
they hang up.
34.Don't speak to them until they're about to hang up and keep
repeating this process until they hang up.
35. Tell them to stop calling, if they call back greet them
warmly and tell them how nice the day is.
36. Eat some food, ask them if they want any.
37. Pretend you are Pizza Hut and keep asking how may you help
them, sound like a broken record.
38. "Show" them your pictures of them naked, this is particualy
funny when you explain the opposite sex of what they are.
39. If it's a guy, tell them how small his dick is, if it's a
girl, tell her how small her ass or boobs are.
40. Whenever they tell you something say, so?
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| Posted by whatever u. want on 14-Aug-2005 | Response to "Rules Chicks Don't Understand"I read this and I just want to set this creep straight. I will
add my comment after his.
Rules chicks don't understand:
1. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
Response: Do it yourself. If your dick won't reach, you're not
my boyfriend.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
R: That might work. But first you must learn to aim. No lady is
willing to put down a urine covered toilet seat.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
R: Tell ya what, YOU can take care of this hair for a day and
maybe you'll change you mind about that.
4. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
R: If that were true, women would be lesbians.
5. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
R: Sunday = one of the two days of the week I'm not working
because you sit your ass in front of the T.V. set all day long.
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
R: Then why do you always tell me my ass looks big in everything
I wear.
7. You have enough clothes.
R: We may, but with all the breast implants you make us get it
calls for new bras, dresses, shirts, bathing suits....
8. You have too many shoes.
R: Well in order to "look fine" in everything we wear we have to
have a matching pair with every outfit.
9. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us
to like it.
R: Get a bigger dick and we'll stop crying.
10. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and
your Dad probably is too.
R: Our brothers are related, they must have some intelligence.
Yes our ex-boyfriends are idiots, why else would we have dumped
them? My father IS an idiot, he gave YOU permission to marry me.
11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
R: That depends on the question.
12. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
R: It's a waste of $$. He'll only tell me to make you turn down
the damn T.V.
13. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
R: Again, do it yourself. If your dick isn't big enough your not
my boyfriend.
14. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
R: Don't do 50 things wrong and there won't be 50 rules.
15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
R: if we stopped faking, you'd tell us you'd rather be deceived
than ineffective.
16. It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
R: If I brought it up its in my interest.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
R: If we followed that rule then we would lose all the fights
like you.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
R: If we dressed like Victoria's Secret then it would no longer
be a secret.
19. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we
know how pretty you are?
R: Here is how. You stop looking at other women and we'll SHOW
you and let you EXPERIENCE our true beauty.
20. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
R: Who said we didn't want the genie to come out?
21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
R: How about turning off the damn T.V. and making eye contact
with us for 10 minutes?
22. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
we.
R: Christopher Columbus reached America, not his destination.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
R: Do you know how much we sweat down there?!?! If we didn't air
it out you wouldn't enjoy them as much.
24. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the
off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is not strictly
necessary.
R: Your right its not. Only a blonde would say that. Because we
all know that it isn't the exit you really want.
25. Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a blowjob in the
morning.
R: Again, do it yourself, if you dick isn't long enough your not
my boyfriend.
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| Posted by goin' wild on 14-Aug-2005 | Jesus, Moses and an old guyJesus, Moses, and an old guy go golfing. Moses tee's off and
hits the ball in a lake. he says "its OK its OK" and goes over
and parts the waters. he hits the ball again and gets a hole in
2. then Jesus tee's off and the ball also goes in the lake. he
says "its ok itsok" and walks across the water and hits the ball
again and gets a hole in 2. then the old guy tee's off. the
ball flys into a rabbits mouth, and just as it goes in an eagle
swoops down and picks up the rabbit and flies off. as they pass
over the hole the rabbit spits out the ball and the old guy gets
a hole in 1. Moses turns to Jesus and says 'i hate it when your
dad plays"
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| Posted by phil jones on 14-Aug-2005 | SalesmanSo a salesman go to the next house and knocks on the door. A
little boy answers the door and is in his underwear with a cigar
in his mouth with a porno magazine under his arm. The salesman
asks "are you parents home?" the little boy goes "what the fuck
do you think?"
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| Posted by Madison D. Taylor on 14-Aug-2005 | Man hears a voice on the beachA man is walking along a deserted beach, when all of a sudden he
hears a voice that commands, "Dig!"
The man stops, and looks around but he can't see anyone so he
continues to walk when the voice says again, "I said dig!"
So he gets on his knees and starts digging deep into the sand
until his hands hit something hard. He struggles for a bit but
then pulls out a treasure chest.
The voice says, "Open!" So the man opens it up and finds
hundreds of thousand of gold coins. The voice says, "To the
casino!"
So the man runs off with his money to the nearest casino, and
changes ALL of it for chips. He enters the door of the gaming
lounge when the voice says, "Russian Roulette!" It takes a
couple of minutes to find the table but he eventually got there.
He figured that the voice knew what it was doing if it had
gotten him that far already.
The worker called for new players and the voice said, "All of it
on red 36!" The man obediently put all of the chips on the
right square and watched the worker start.
The ball went round and round countless times until it finally
stopped on black 12.
The voice said, "Shit!"
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