|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by katy m on 14-Aug-2005 | Aussie Radio Call-In Show(Remember the Aussie accent)
The radio show was Queensland FM
The host was Jim
The phone-in competition was give us a word that's not in the Oxford
English Dictionary and make a sentence with it
Prize is a fortnight for two in Los Angeles, USA!
Jim: Hi what's your name and word please ?
Caller: This is Bob from the Bush and my word is gaan.
Jim: Thanks Bob, hang on a mo while we check in the dictionary. It's
not there, so for two weeks in L.A, make a sentence:
Caller: Gaan fuck yourself
Jim immediately hangs up and says "Ladies and gents, this is a family
show so no more dirty calls please
There are many more calls. 45 minutes and as many unsuccessful
contestants later....
Jim: Hi, this is Jim at QFM what's your name and word ?
Caller: This is Steve from Perth and my word is smee
Jim: Thanks Steve, just checking and yes smee doesn't appear in the OED
so lets have your sentence
Caller: Smee again, gaan fuck yourself !!!
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Misty Jenkins on 14-Aug-2005 | A teenager is...-A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a
phone number.
-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars
before breakfast.
-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on
Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not
his mother calling from the next room.
-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but
can't make a bed.
-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours
studying for her driver's license.
-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.
-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is
usually too tired to dry the dishes.
-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
-A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the
lawn needs mowing.
-An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a
teenager.
|
4 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Adam B. Arazi on 14-Aug-2005 | A Bet There was a sick man who made a bet with a full-grown woman.
He tells her, "If I can touch your breats without touching your
clothes, I get a dollar, if I can't, you get a dollar." Since
the woman has a buttoned-up shirt, she agrees.
The man squeezes her breasts for a while until he tells her
he's done.
"But you touched my shirt!" The girl exclaims.
"Okay, you get a dollar."
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Sarah Northington on 14-Aug-2005 | Answering Machine Owners MessagesActual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the
world famous: International Institute of Answering Machine
Answers.
"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished."
Narrator's voice:) "There Richard sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath
sounded. Thou must leave a message."
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If
you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I
call sooner!"
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.
Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,
just hold it up to the phone."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their
office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
(Direct approach:) "Who are you and what do you want?"
"You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you."
"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
us."
"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .
. . real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Sophie R. Todd on 14-Aug-2005 | knock knock"Knock Knock"
"who's there?"
"I dunno..go to the door and see."
|
3 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Mark A. O'Neill on 14-Aug-2005 | Got any nutsA pellican walks into a bar and says 'got any nuts'? 'No' says
the barman. The bird walks in the next day and says 'got any
nuts'? 'No' says the barman again. The third day the bird walks
into the bar and says 'got any nuts'? 'No' the barman says,
really angry now and tells him to go away and never come back.
The bird comes in the fourth day and says 'got any nuts'? 'No,
now i thought i told you to go away and never come back, so go
or i'll nail your beak to the counter!' says the very angry
barman, breaking a bottle. The bird decides to go to the bar the
next day and says 'go any nails?' 'No' the barman says
astonished. The bird realises that the barman cannot nail his
beak to the bar, so says 'Got any nuts?'!!!
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Big Football Player on 14-Aug-2005 | Watches Are FallingOne day 3 guys met in a hotel. A gambler who always won money, A
show off, and a lonely guy who had no friends. This lonely guy
needed money. He decided to place a bet with the gambler and the
show off. He knew that there was a huge problem with his watch,
but he didn't know what, so he decided to place a bet with it.
We will all throw our watch out the window on the 14th floor the
lonely guy said.
You will have to run down those stairs, go out the door, and
catch it. The person who catches it at the bottom wins. If no
one catches it no one wins anything. The other two guys thought
this was realy dumb, but they decided to give it a shot. The
gambler went first. He got to the 6th floor when the watch hit
the ground. MAN! The show off went next. He got to the 4th floor
when it hit the ground. SHOOT! The lonely guy went last. He
threw it out the window. He walked down the stairs, went to his
favorite coffee shop, went home to watch his favorite television
show, and came back and caught the watch. They both owed him
$500.00! Wow the 2 guys said. Here's your money. But how did you
do that? The lonely guy finally found out what was wrong with
his watch. I don't know how I won he said. I guess my watch is
slow.
|
7 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Dexter on 14-Aug-2005 | Radio StationREAL STORY: A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was
running a competition to find contestants who could come up with
words that were not found in any English Dictionary, yet could
still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The
prize was a trip to Bali for a week.
The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:
DJ: 96FM, what's your name
Caller: Hi, me name's Dave
DJ: Dave, what is your word
Caller: Goan.....spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,
Dave, 'goan' is certainly a word not found in the English
Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali
is: What sentence can you use that word in that would make
logical sense?
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself"
At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that
there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.
After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the following
caller:
DJ: 96FM, what's your name
Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff
DJ: Jeff, what is your word
Caller: Smee.....spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'
DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff.
'Smee' is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary.
Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What
sentence can you use that word in that would make logical sense?
Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Erik Ingbritsen on 14-Aug-2005 | Didn't Know About DaughtersA brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very
interesting conversation and it got around to their daughters.
The brunette said, "I went in my daughter's room the other day
and found a pack of ciggarettes, I didn't even know she smoked!"
The red head said, "I went in my daughter's room and found a
half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn't even know she drank!"
Then the blonde burst out and said, "I went in my daughter's
room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty, I didn't even know
she had a penis!"
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Bob John on 14-Aug-2005 | What to do if.....What do you do when a blond throws a gernade at you?
A: Pull the clip and throw it back.
What do you do if a blond throws a clip at you?
A: run, she's got a gernade in her mouth!
|
3 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
