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| Posted by Daniel D. Cartwright on 14-Aug-2005 | The Law Abiding CitizenA man was driving down the road with a lady passenger in the
front and two guys asleep in the back when a policeman stopped
him.
Policeman- excuse me sir but congratulations you are the first
person to pass our checkpoint with your seatbelt on, you have
won 1000! What are you going to do with it?
Guy- Well I might spend it all on socks
Woman- Don not listen to him he is such an idiot when he is drunk
Guy having just woken up- What have they found the crack
Other guy wakes up as well- Oh, I knew we wouldn t get very far
in a stolen car!
Just then a voice in Spanish came up from the boot- Are we over
the boarder yet?
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| Posted by Mike Richards on 14-Aug-2005 | Lost and FoundAn old man in heaven comes up to Jesus Christ. "Hello, young
man," he says, "would you help me look for my son?" Jesus Christ
smiles apologetically and says "You know, sir, Heaven is very
big, and it is awfully hard to find someone here."
The old man says "No, I'm sure you know my son. He was very well
known and he had nails put in his hands and feet." Jesus looks
at the man in awe and asks slowly, "Father?!" The old man,
pleased at the recognition, says, "Pinnochio?!!"
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| Posted by D Anon on 14-Aug-2005 | Can you Fly?There were these two men in a bar, not including the bartender.
One of the men looks up to the other and whispers, "Did you
know that when you are really drunk you can fly!" "i don't
believe that," the other man said. "Sure it works everytime,
here let me show you" so the man jumped out the window and flew
around everywhere. THe other man still inside the
bar was amazed, he couldnt believe his eyes. "See, i am not
harmed, not even a scratch," the flying man said when he
returned in his seat. "One more time!" said the guy. SO the
man jumped up and bolted out the window, this time
flying higher and faster than before! When he returned the guy
was so excited, he couldn't wait to try this new trick out!
So he took another gulp of his beer and Jumped out the window
and fell all 18 stories and splatted all over the ground. He
died
instantly. The bartender looked up at the man who had just
settled back in his seat and said, "Goddamn-it, you are
such an asshole when you are drunk, superman."
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| Posted by emily on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid1. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on!"
2. Kid asks for new bike, but gets a packet of cigarettes.
3. Along with presents, Santa leaves a hefty bill for shipping
and handling.
4. By the time he gets to your house, all he has are styrofoam
peanuts.
5. Christmas Day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his
bead.
6. Instead of "naughty" or "nice", Santa has him/her on the
"dork" list.
7. Sends him/her off on one of those Carnival Cruises with Kathie
Lee.
8. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard,
and I'll put the hurt on you!"
9. Label on all kids toys read, "Straight from Craptown."
10. Four words: "Off my lap Tubby!"
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| Posted by Lil' Princess on 14-Aug-2005 | Never Winning LotteryEvery year at the state fair Fred entered the lottery for the
brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend Leroy,
he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" Leroy asked. He leaned closer
and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and
see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Fred grew more and more despondent as
the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration,
no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he
glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing
any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a
sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her
even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger
etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Fred rushed to the raffle booth and played the
number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once
again, Fred lost. The winning number was 707.
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| Posted by Jena Robbins on 14-Aug-2005 | Energizer Bunny Found DeadThe world was stunned by the news today, of the death of the
ENERGIZER BUNNY. He was six years old. Authorities believe that
the death occurred at approximately 8:42 p.m. last night.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and
going, and going. "Pinkie" as he was know to his friends and
relatives, was alone at the time of his death.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief
Medical Examiner, DURA CELL, concluded that the cause of death
was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over stimulation.
Apparently, someone has put Mr. Bunny's batteies in backwards,
and he kept coming and coming and coming and coming............
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| Posted by Ted Hampson on 14-Aug-2005 | 4 parachutes5 people are on an airplane, the president, the vice-president,
the smartest man in the world, the oldest man in the world,and a
little boy. the airplane is going to crash and there are only 4
parachutes. The president says.."Well the nation needs me so
i'll take the first parachute" and he jumps out of the plane.
Then the vice-president says "well if the president's shoot
doesn't open then the nation needs me." so he takes the second
chute. then the smartest man in the world says..."I am needed to
solve the math problems of the world" so he takes the third
shoot. The the oldest man in the world says little boy take the
last chute i've lived a long life, then the boy says ...."wait
we can both go the smartest man in the world took my backpack."
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| Posted by Ivan Borka on 14-Aug-2005 | Coutry Club Genie keeps 3rd wish for himselfA young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course
lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife
sliced her shot right through the large front window of the
biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the
door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a
broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are
you the people who broke my window?"
The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off,
"Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in
that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you
one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's
the least I can do."
"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife.
"Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish.
Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a
really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get
a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I
don't either." The wife agreed.
The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After
he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old
is you husband, anyway?"
"Twenty-five," said the wife.
"And he still believes in genies?"
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| Posted by Adam on 14-Aug-2005 | 19 ways to confuse Santa Claus1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull
goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees
that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding
signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
of bread on his way home.
8. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As
soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't
have missed that last payment, and take off.
9. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out,
with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy.
10. Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few
drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For
Santa."
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been
robbed and when Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman
and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the
crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute
changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's
sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's
got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a
map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa
to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but
from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While
he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up,
act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then
say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
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| Posted by Staples12 on 14-Aug-2005 | Mickey and MinnieMickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy."
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