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| Posted by Sweets on 14-Aug-2005 | Make a wish...One day, as a guy named Joe was walking around, he saw another
guy with this HUGE plug up his ass... so Joe went up to him and
asked why his ass was plugged up. The guy said, "Well, I found
one of those lamps with one of those genies in it, but this
genie was kinda lazy, and he admitted so and said that would
only grant me one wish because he was lazy. And then I said "no
shit."
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| Posted by enjoyingboyhood on 14-Aug-2005 | Poo, Manours and Get LostOnce upon a time there were three kids. One called Poo, one
called Manours and another called Get Lost.
Poo fell over and hurt himself badly, Manours said too Get Lost
"go and find some help".
Get Lost found a police man. The police man asked his name, in
reply he said "Get Lost", so the police man said "where is ur
manours?".
Get Lost said "he's over there picking up Poo".
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| Posted by Nady on 14-Aug-2005 | Jack and Jill (version 2)Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.
Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.
but stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son.
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| Posted by Mike Dupuis on 14-Aug-2005 | Barbie and Ken's Letters to SantaBARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA:
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year,
being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea
parties. I hate to break it to ya,' Santa, but it's payback
time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna
call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be
around to smell it.
These are my demands for this Christmas:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking
like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it
feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't
suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o
molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like
cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get
him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that
earring anyway? HELLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me
arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Doctor's and Lawyer's make real money.
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a
pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years -I think I deserve
a piece of the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I
think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you
can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that
simple.
As ever,
Barbie
KEN'S LETTER TO SANTA:
Dear Santa:
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has
petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking
for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my
understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my
sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issue
concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and
desires: First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms.
Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has
received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I,
nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses,
Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not
even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a
limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never
upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring
was immediately squashed, which I protest, for it was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would like a change
in my career to further explore my creative nature.
Some options which could be considered are: "Decorator Ken,"
"Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could
be considered are: "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or
"West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my
interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under
served.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me
away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the
curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations
of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell,
while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will
result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And
kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe...he's
mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
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| Posted by elliott m on 14-Aug-2005 | Ho! Ho! Ho!According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both
male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,
usually late November to mid December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth
in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical
rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them,
from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known. Only women would be able to drag a fat ass
in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not
get lost.
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| Posted by Big Man on 14-Aug-2005 | A Mean DrunkTwo men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire
State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top
of this building, the winds around the building are so intense
that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you
around the building and back into a window". The bartender just
shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that
could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove
it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and
plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor,
the high winds whip him around the building and back into the
10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know,
I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time
fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he
jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th
floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the
window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it."
He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th,
10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a
SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says,
"You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
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| Posted by Justin R. Bunke on 14-Aug-2005 | Dear SantaIf Santa answered his mail honestly...
----------
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
----------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside
your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom
window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
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| Posted by Meagan Fisher on 14-Aug-2005 | Hey, It's the Peanuts Gang!!!A few years ago Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang made a new
friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled,
"Why Me, Charlie Brown?"
Recently MetLife put out a series of instructional pamphlets
which feature the gang dealing with contemporary issues.
Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's:
We learn about VD in: "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"
Charlie and the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted
pregnancy in: "I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"
Is Linus gay? "IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"
Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in: "OYE! VATO! QUE
PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"
See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "NO MEANS NO,
CHARLIE BROWN!"
Discover a father's forbidden love in: "IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET,
CHARLIE BROWN"
Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:
"IMA BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"
What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner
workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous
alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"
Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in: "ROLL
US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"
Charlie Brown gets his first job in: "WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH
THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"
Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing
social security checks and stripping cars in: "GO BLAME SOCIETY,
CHARLIE BROWN"
Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in: "WHO NEEDS MEN,
CHARLIE BROWN?"
Charlie gets an AOL account and stays up all night long in:
"WELCOME!... YOU HAVE MAIL, CHARLIE BROWN"
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| Posted by Richard A. Calden on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog JokeThere was a Scottish man and Irish man and a Chinese man
the scottish man, the irish man and the chinese man all decided
to take there dogs for a walk, so off they went,
the scots man took his dog to the corner of the street and it
had a wee,
on the next corner the irish mans dog had a wee,
not once did the chinese mans dog have a wee, the scots man and
the irish man were confused and asked " why does your dog not
wee?" The chinese man replyed
"Me not soft, me not silly, me tie not in doggies willy!"
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| Posted by Ben T. Halbig on 14-Aug-2005 | Boys,wear gear for your thing if your going swimmiOne day a man was swimming for an hour.Then he ate lunch and
waited for half an hour.He swam for 2 hours then it was time for
the pool to close.When he got ouit he saw he was naked and his
shorts were at the end of the pool and a kid about 2 or 3 saw it
and put it somewhere far.He went to the closest change room and
that was the women's a whole bunch of girls saw him and screamed
soo loud that a whole other bunch of girls saw and one of them
jumped in the pool.In the pool he saw a pair of shorts where the
girls was so he jumped in and the girls was thinking that he was
going to have sex with her sooo he yelled HELP!.Then man wanted
to shut her up so he jumped on top of her and then a girl had a
phone and said There is a man trying to have sex with a girl and
he is naked.These kind of men came and saw what he was doing and
one man jumped in and was soooo mad that he punched the man and
put him to jail.The other girls wondered why he punched him sooo
hard and put him to jail?The man said that's my wife and he's a
person i know who was at how to sex girls class!I saw him there
because we were looking for a bad person who liked to suck every
piece of a girl and I found out it was him!That's why!
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