|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Hot wee devil on 14-Aug-2005 | Curse to Speak One Word per YearOnce upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his
own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that
the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he
could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole
year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words
(this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair,
sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest
difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole
years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," But,
at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved
her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking
(bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to
ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without
speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no
bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and
romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped
a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her
hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you
marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty
ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby
lips, said, "Pardon?"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Pippi Longstocking on 14-Aug-2005 | Interesting Facts1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
2. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt"
3. Almonds are members of the peach family.
4. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
7. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in
the English language.
8. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that
begins and ends with the letters "und."
9. There are only four words in the English language which end
in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
10. The longest word in the English language, according to the
Oxford English Dictionary, is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its
plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosesl.
12. The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukup
okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.
13. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reinade los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to
3.63% of its size,L.A.
14. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
16. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was
eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
18. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions
have the same pattern of whiskers.
21. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
23. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that
contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
"therein": the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein,
herein.
24. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
28. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a
fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
30. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy
Bezopasnosti
31. 'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed
with only the left hand.
33. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different
ways; the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of
Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and
hiccoughed."
34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
35. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the
correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
36. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian seal for that reason.
37. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only
have about ten.
38. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase
"Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."
39. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the
days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses
were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Anu Patel on 14-Aug-2005 | Bart Simpson's Chalkboard ArchiveI will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Sean Wicklund on 14-Aug-2005 | The Man and The Genie (version 2)On day there was a man that walked into a bar. He peered across
the room to see another man holding his ass with a look of pain
over his face.
He walked over and asked what was wrong with him. He said that
he had a champagne cork lodged 12 inches up his ass. The other
man looked in horror at him and asked why. He said that he had
been walking through the desert when he found a bottle in the
sand and kicked it.
He then said a genie came out and told him he would grant him
one wish. He exclaimed "NO SHIT!!!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Robert Letch on 14-Aug-2005 | Superman and WonderwomanSuperman and one of his superhero friends are flying around
Metropolis one day, looking for trouble like they usually do.
Seeing no crime, Superman makes the suggestion that the two fly
down to the beach to see what is going on. His friend, being
bored, happily agrees.
As the two fly along the beach, they spot Wonder Woman, "spread
eagle" on the beach. Superman's friend is simply amazed by what
he is seeing. Superman, seeing his friend's astonishment and
looking to impress him even further, proclaims, "I'll bet you
$10 that I can fly down there, screw her and fly back before she
even realizes that I'm doing it." His friend, eyes still fixed
on the naked beauty, looks at Superman and just starts laughing.
"I'd like to see that...you're on."
So Superman flies down, bam-bam-bam, flies back and says, "See,
I told you I could." His friend, obviously impressed, forks over
the $10. Just then, Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"
And the invisible man replies back, "I don't know, but my ass
sure does hurt."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by lilgreen on 14-Aug-2005 | What We Have All Learned from CartoonsWhat we have learned from cartoons:
1. You will only fall off the cliff, building, ect... if you
look down and notice that there is no longer anything but air
beneath your feet.
2. When you get wacked on the head you can see little blue
birdies or if your really lucky, stars!
3. If a safe falls on your head, don't worry you can just open
the door to that safe and walk out.
4. There is only one company : Acme.
5. Dynamite will ALWAYS be bright red and labled.
6. If you need to get to the other side of a wall you can just
paint a door and then walk through it.
7. If someone has already done the above, BEWARE, it will not
work for you! Can you say pain?
8. You will always know when someone gets an idea by watching
for the lightbulb that will apear over their head if this
occurs. Note if the person is stupid a candle will replace the
lightbulb.
9. You are immortal. No matter how many times a piano, safe,
anvil ect... has dropped on your head you will stagger away
unharmed. The same goes for falling from high places.
10. The rabbit, roadrunner ect... will ALWAYS win.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Anonymous Freak on 14-Aug-2005 | CinderellaOne night, far far away, a ball was announced in honor of the
Prince returning home from a crusade. Every eligible maid was to
attend. Cinderella was thrilled! She asked her step-mother if
she may go.
Step-Mother replied, "Hell No! You got work to do you dirty
little hussie!"
Cinderella was crushed and ran outside and cried! Moments later
a bright light appeared and a ravishing little old lady dressed
in white and blue.
"Who the Hell are you?" Asked Cinderella with tears dripping off
her pale cheeks.
"I'm your Fairy God Mother! And I'm here to help you!" Replied
the shapely woman.
"Really?" Cinderella asked with hope. "How are you gonna do
that?"
With a tap of her want she made a beautiful coach with radiant
silver horses appear.
"Holy Shit!" Cried Cinderella in awe.
"That's not half of it!" And with another tap of her wand she
made a very handsome coachman appear.
"But you're missing something. My dress! I need a dress with
some pumps and a necklace. Oh, and some make-up. And maybe some
jewelry, please!" Cinderella said.
"No problem!" And with another tap of her want Cinderella was
dressed in the most extravagant clothes and fine jewelry.
"Oh how can I ever repay you?" Cinderella pleaded.
"Well, don't be too happy. There is one flaw. If you're not home
my midnight, I'll turn your pussy into a pumpkin."
"Oh, I'll be sure to be home on time! I Swear!"
And off she went into the coach and off to the ball. When she
arrived there she spotted a very handsome guy. She introduced
herself and danced with him for half the night. It was getting
to be late and Cinderella was very disappointed to have to
leave, but knowing the consequences, she asked to excuse
herself. "....But by the way, what's your name?" Cinderella
asked.
"Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater." The handsome man replied.
"Hmm....now that I think about it, I don't need to be home this
early..."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by hmmmmm A. have a guess on 14-Aug-2005 | Snow White and the Seven DwarfsOne evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to
the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual
lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately
all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each
other's shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight
was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one
who could see in the window. It was his duty to inform the other
dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her
blouse!" and this as echoed down the stack "taking off her
blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off,"
"taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was
followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off
her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her
bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.
Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down
the dwarf tower.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw
someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's
coming!" And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard,
"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Simba A. Rafiki on 14-Aug-2005 | DwarvesTwo dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las
Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind
up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is
disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain
physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room
he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it
go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply
couldn't get it up, if you know what I mean."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's
embarrassing?" He asked. "I couldn't even jump up on the bed!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by J. on 14-Aug-2005 | Horse BuyerA midget who had a very bad lisp won a rather large sum of money
in a lottery and decided to invest his money in Thoroughbred
horses. After reading the best horse breeders were in Kentucky,
he flew down to look at some prospective mares. He contacted the
first breeder and was interested in one mare in particular. He
didn't really know what to look for in a horse, so he decided to
try and bluff his way through it.
"May I thee her teef?" the midget with the lisp asked. The horse
breeder saw he was too short to see for himself so he lifted the
midget up and the midget opened up the horse's mouth and looked
inside at the horse's teeth. The horse owner then let him back
down to the ground.
"May I thee her eye-ths?" the midget asked again. The owner once
again lifted him up the midget looked into the horse's eyes and
the owner returned him to the ground again.
"May I thee her ear-ths? the midget asked yet again. With
considerable effort, the horse breeder sighed and lifted the
lisping midget up to the horse's ears to inspect them.
"May I thee her twat?" the lisping midget asked once again. By
this time the breeder was really getting tired of lifting shorty
up, so he lifted the midget up, raised the horses tail and
smashes the midget's face into the horse's vagina. "Here take a
GOOD look!" the horse owner says and drops the midget to the
ground.
Spitting profusely, the lisping midget replies, "Perhapths I
thould rephrase that. May I thee her gallop?"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
