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| Posted by Ringmaster on 14-Aug-2005 | Irishman and Genie w/ Glass of VodkaOne day an Irishman found a bottle. He rubbed it and out came a
genie. The genie said, "I will grant you 2 wishes."
The Irishman said, "I like Russian vodka. So I guess I'll take a
glass of that." POOF! He had a glass of vodka!
To his surprise, once he finished the glass it refilled by
itself, "Wow! It refilled itself!" The genie said, "Of course!
It's a magic glass. It will never run out of vodka."
The Irishman exclaimed, "Great! I'll have another one of these!"
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| Posted by Vince Joebob on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Times More to HusbandA lady has an ugly divorce with her husband. One day she finds a
lamp. She rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie told her, "I will make 3 of your wishes come true...
BUT, the wish you ask for will be done 10 times more to your
husband."
The lady though for a second and says, "Ok, I want to be the
richest lady ever. I want to be the prettiest lady ever. And I
want a little-bitsy heart attack...."
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| Posted by Kristen S on 14-Aug-2005 | The MartianA lady is driving in her car. When she looks at the rearview
mirror, she sees a martian sitting in the backseat. Terrified,
she looses control of the car, crashes against a tree, and
becomes unconscious.
When she wakes up, the martian is rubbing her breasts.
The martian says, "Do not be alarmed. I come in peace. I have
stitched the cut between your legs and I am now trying to lower
these engorged bruises."
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| Posted by janet reisdorfer on 14-Aug-2005 | SonIt was time for St. Peter's annual three-week vacation, and
Jesus volunteered to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.
"It's no big deal," St. Peter explained. "Just sit at the
registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her
life. Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looked up to see a bewildered old man
standing in front of him. He asked the old man to tell him
something about himself.
"I'm a simple carpenter," said the old man. "And once I had a
son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone
else in the world. He went through a great transformation even
though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me
a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the
world people tell his story."
By this time, Jesus was standing with his arms outstretched.
There were tears in his eyes, as he embraced the old man.
"Dad..." he cried, "it's been so long."
The old man squinted, removed his glasses, stares blankly for a
moment while he wiped the glasses, returned the glasses to his
head, looked at Jesus again and said, "Pinocchio?"
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| Posted by Hector R. Cruz on 14-Aug-2005 | Sex On PlutoIn the future, when space travel is very advanced, a lady goes
on a trip to Pluto. When she gets there the male aliens look
just like male humans. However, the female aliens have one foot
wide mouths and heads that are 3 1/4 feet long.
She stays on Pluto for a long time, and gets a strong urge to
have sex. She finds an alien willing to screw her, so they grow
into an empty room and strip. She's terribly dissappointed to
find he has an incredibly tiny dick.
"It's okay," says the alien. "Tell me how thick and how long you
want it. Then I'll stick my finger in my belly button and it
will grow to that size."
"As thick as you can make it and as long as you can make it,"
she says as she watches in awe as his penis grows 1 foot wide
and three feet long. "Oh no!" the lady exclaims "that will never
be able to fit in my pussy!"
"Don't worry," the alien reassures her. "This may hurt a bit,
but I can make your pussy bigger!" After she agrees, he hits the
bottom of his hand between her breasts and her pussy grows to
the adequate size, and the two begin to have passionate sex.
When they are over, the lady begins to get worried about the
size of her pussy and asks the alien how to make it go back to
its original size. The alien says there is only one solution,
and that it must be done to make her pussy normal size.
The alien smiles and says, "Give me a blowjob."
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| Posted by ryanjenkins on 14-Aug-2005 | Alien Love
A man and his female friend woke up one morning to find an alien
spacecraft in their back yard. Being curious, the man and woman
went to welcome the visitors.
When the reached the spacecraft, a door slowly opened and
standing there were two aliens (a male and a female) who looked
just like humans except for minor differences. They found that
the aliens spoke perfect English so they invited them to come
inside for a drink.
After long discussions about the universe, the humans and the
aliens thought it would be interesting to have sex with one
another. So the female alien and the man went back to the ship,
while the male alien and the woman stayed in the house.
When the two in the house began to undress, the woman noticed,
to her disappointment, that the visitor had a very small penis.
Realising that the woman was distressed, the alien said "Don't
worry, I'm not ready yet," and pushing his nose, his penis grew
ten inches long. The woman was still not happy as the
circumference was no bigger then that of a pencil. But again the
alien told her not to worry and pulling his ears his penis grew
thicker. After, the alien and woman made amazing love that they
thouroughly enjoyed.
When the aliens had left the man and woman got to talking-
"How was it?" asked the man.
"Great!" said the woman, "How about you?"
"It was wierd," replied the man, "she kept on pushing my nose
and pulling my ears the entire time."
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| Posted by Mogs on 14-Aug-2005 | Genie on Malibu BeachA man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a
bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The
genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but
only one.."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to
go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of
flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for
a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think
I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the
pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would
have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed.
No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is
one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be
able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are
they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with?
Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you
want two lanes or four?
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| Posted by Invisible Wings on 14-Aug-2005 | An Explorer and GodAn explorer in the deepest amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
large bloodthirsty group of savage natives. He quietly says out loud, "Oh
God, I'm screwed!" Suddenly, there is a ray of light from above and a
voice booms out, "No, you're not screwed yet. Pick up that stone at your
feet and bash in the head of their chief standing in front of you." So,
the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out
of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, with the shocked and
angry looks of the natives closing in on him, he looks upward and says,
"What now God?" And God's voice booms out, "Okay...now you're screwed!"
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| Posted by Christer J. Kauppinen on 14-Aug-2005 | Three guys and three wishesThere were three guys who were in a plane crash: an American, a
Japanese guy, and a Filipino. Luckily, when the plane went down,
they were the only three to make it out of the wreck and onto
the raft. Continuing on their lucky streak, the ocean currents
brought them to an island, which they later determined to be
uninhabited by humans. Not only that, but it was beautiful! Mild
climate, lush vegitation, plenty of small game for food, clean,
freshwater streams and waterfalls, no real predatory creatures,
plenty of beaches, you get the idea... It was a virtual paradise.
Well, three months later, as they were all taking a swim at one
of the many beaches, the saw something floating in the water,
and it turned out to be a lamp! As the story goes, you rub the
lamp and out comes a genie. So this they did, and lo and behold!
A genie! He said:
"I can only grant three wishes. Since there are three of you, I
will grant one wish to each of you." The three men were
overjoyed at their good fortune.
The American said, "Hmm, you know, I really like it here on this
island. It's very serene and clean and all that, not like New
York. But I do miss the night life back in the big apple,
especially my girlfriend... I WISH I WAS BACK IN A NEW YORK IN A
BAR WITH A COLD BEER IN ONE HAND AND MY GIRL IN THE OTHER!!!!!"
And the genie granted him his wish, and the American dissapeared
in a cloud of smoke.
The Japanese guy said, "Hmm! Good island! Very nice! Me like,
but no family! Miss family! Must go back and be with family! I
wish to be in Tokyo with family!" And so the genie granted his
wish, and the Japanese guy dissapeared in a cloud of smoke.
The Filipino guy said, "Well, I guess I'd go home, but then
again I have no family, I've been gone for three months which
means that I probably lost my job, and well, Manila is so
crowded and polluted and messed up. Maybe I'll just stay here.
After all, it is nice here... Nut then i'd get lonely being here
by myself... Geee, I wish those two guys were back..."
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| Posted by Cayla E. Stratton on 14-Aug-2005 | Alien SexA human couple met up with an alien coule and started discusing
various topics. Somehow they brought up the question of how they
each have sex. So to resolve this question each couple switched
partners for the night.
In the Martian man's room the earth woman began to strip and so
did the Martian man. The earth woman then said aloud that she
will not have fun becasue the Martian man's dick was only 1"
long. The Martian man said, "That can be changed just tap me on
the head 9 times. The woman did so and his dick grew 9 inches.
Now the dick was 9" long and half a centimeter thin. The man
then said, "That's ok. Just pull my ears. The woman did so and
the dick widened 3".
The next morning the couples met back with each other. The earth
man asked his wife how it went. She said that it was exellent.
She then asked her husband how it was and he said it sucked. His
wife asked why and he said, "Because that Martian lady kept
tapping my heads and pulling my ears!"
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