|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Big Kev on 14-Aug-2005 | Captain's Red ShirtLong ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,
the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first
mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on
and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some
casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was
on. However, the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,
though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his
usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
pants!"
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Moelicious on 14-Aug-2005 | UFO's landing siteQ: Why do UFO's land in remote areas?
A: Ask yourself! If you had to travel LIGHT YEARS to get to Earth and had
to take a piss. Would YOU land in a populated city and whip out your SPACE
GUN in front of everyone!!!!!!
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Rikki d. Beriault on 14-Aug-2005 | A Man with an Ostrich and a CatA bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool
beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some
curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says, "I'll have a
pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a
pint as well." says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and
says, "I suppose you want a drink, too." The cat replies, "I'll
have a half, but I ain't payin'!" So the barman pulls two and a
half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please."
The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the
barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the
exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the
ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint,"
says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up
a half and says, "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The
bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening,
the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says
the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch."
He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a
large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small
scotch...but I ain't payin'!" The barman rings up the drinks and
turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty,
please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and
twenty out of his pocket.
As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain
his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave
there's something I must know...how do you manage to always come
up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several
years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and
when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but
as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I
rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"
"If I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my
pocket and the right money will always be there." "That's
brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a
million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether its a
quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always
there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last
thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats
or ostriches drinkin' in here...?" The man looks glum. "Yes, I
know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck
with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked
for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jessica R. Patterson on 14-Aug-2005 | SnowballI made myself a snowball
as perfect as could be,
I thought i'd keep it as a pet
and let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
and a pillow for its head,
but one night it ran away
but first it wet the BED!
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Crunchiebarmuncher on 14-Aug-2005 | Chastity BeltKing Arthur was getting ready to go on a quest, but was worried
about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all the Horny knights
of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin the Magician for
advice. After explaining his problem to Merlin, the Wizard
thought about the problem for a while and then told the king to
come back in a week and he would have a solution to the problem.
The next week the King returned to Merlin returned to see the
new invention. A Chastity Belt... except that it had a rather
large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good," said
the King "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect
the queen???" "Ah sire, just observe," Said Merlin as he pulled
out an old wand that he was going to throw away. Merlin then
inserted the wand into the hole in the chastity belt whereupon a
guillotine blade came down and cut the wand neatly in two
halves. "Merlin you are a genius, now I can leave knowing that
my Queen is fully protected." Said the King. After putting
Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out on his quest.
Several years later the King returned to Camelot. Immediately,
the king assembled all the knights of the Round Table into the
courtyard and had them drop their trousers for inspection. Sure
enough every knight was either amputated or damaged in some way,
all except for Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad, you are the one and
only true knight what is in my power to grant you??? Name it and
it is yours." Said the King.
But Sir Galahad was speechless.
|
3 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by rebekah on 14-Aug-2005 | UFO potQ: How does a Martian feel, after he smokes a JOINT?
A: "Spaced Out"!!!!!!!! (Or way far out)
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Sean on 14-Aug-2005 | martiansWhat did the martians ask for when they came to earth?
Marshmallows
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Tenny on 14-Aug-2005 | marishanWhat did the Martians ask for when they came to earth?
A marshmallow
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Kimiko R. Treitler on 14-Aug-2005 | Genie and 3 GuysThere are 3 guys stranded on an island. They find a magic lamp,
and a genie inside who will give them 3 wishes. They decide that
each of them will get one wish. The first guy says, "I want to
go home to my family." The second guy also wants to go home. The
third guy says, "You know, it's getting lonely here. Could you
bring those two guys back?"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Lola Green on 14-Aug-2005 | Close EncounterOne day in a little town in the desert, a UFO landed and a green
man came out and walked towards the town bar. As he entered the
bar he approached the sherif who happened to be reading the
paper. The alien stood behind him, looked over his shoulder and
started to tap him on the shoulder. After a couple of minutes of
doing that, the sherrif got mad and threw the paper on the
ground and said, "Here, you wanna read it, go ahead." The alien
pulls his dick out and starts to run it over the lines. The
sherrif was very surrprised and asked, "If this is how you read
then how do you have sex?" In response, the alien approached him
and started tapping his shoulder.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
