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| Posted by Matt D. Malkmus on 14-Aug-2005 | 12" PianistA guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices the man
sitting next to him is looking into a box. After a while, his
curiosity gets the best of him, so he leans over and looks into
the box. Inside is a miniature man playing a miniature piano.
"... that's amazing, where did you get it?", he asked. His
barmate answers, "This is my wish. There's a genie out back in
the alley and he is granting wishes."
The guy finds this hard to believe, so he walks out back to the
alley, and to his surprise, there is a genie. The genie asks him
what he would like to have for a wish, and the guy answers, "I
would like to have a million bucks!" Then suddenly, there are a
million ducks flying around his head, quacking and flapping
their wings.
He goes back into the bar and says to the barmate, "That's a
poor excuse of a genie! I asked for a million bucks and he gave
me a million DUCKS!" His barmate turns away from the box he's
looking into and replies, "I guess you think I asked for a 12
inch pianist?"
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| Posted by Katrina on 14-Aug-2005 | Genie and the Ex-WifeAfter a nasty divorce, this man decides to go on a vacation to
Egypt. While there, he finds a magic lamp and rubs it. A genie
comes about and says, "I'll give you three wishes, but your
ex-wife will get the same thing that you wish for."
The man thinks, and says, "I wish for five million dollars." The
genie says "You know your ex-wife will get the same thing,
right?" The man nods his head, and gets his money.
For his second wish, he wishes for a new computer. Instantly, he
and his ex-wife have a new computer.
The genie asks, "What is your final wish?" The man answers, "I
wish I had a 10-inch dick."
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| Posted by John Walsh on 14-Aug-2005 | Guy with Small HeadA man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a few
stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his head
was the size of a thimble.
The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring but I can't
help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed but
your head is so small." The man says, "Buy me a drink and I'll
tell you." The drink was bought and the story began.
"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the
only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a
few miles away. I had been there for several months and was
sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish to
come by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw a
mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and
informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3
wishes.
"Great, I'd like to be rescued." She slapped the water with her
tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.
Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of her
tail and here it is.
Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wished
fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, it
just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said
"Well, how about a little head then?"
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| Posted by Tom Dunlap on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 Wishes and the Mother In LawThere once was a man who traveled to a strange foreign country,
and while he was there he found a strange old lamp of some sort.
When he got home he polished off the lamp, and out came a genie.
Then the genie said "I'll give you three wishes, but on one
condition, your mother in law gets twice as much as you wish."
So the man decided for his first wish that he wanted 1 billion
dollars, so his mother in law (who lived across the street) got
2 billion dollars. For the man's second wish he decided that he
wanted to have a 200 room mansion, so his mother in law got a
400 room mansion. For the man's last wish, he took a long time
to think it out, and then he said to the genie, "I wish you
choked me half to death."
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| Posted by Spazorama on 14-Aug-2005 | heaven or hell? A man walked out into the street and got hit by a car, he was
a devious man who sinned all of the time. He died, and when he
got to his after life he said, "ohhh..... this must be heaven."
There were many beautiful, naked women and many bottles of rum.
He saw a man standing behind the counter so he went up to him
and said..., "sir this must be heaven because of all the naked
women and rum, and heaven is a wonderful place so this is
heaven."
The man replied "no no no you got it all wrong this is hell."
The man replied but "How is that possible? look at all the naked
women and rum."
The man behind the counter said, "I am the devil and all of the
bottles of rum have holes in the bottom of them......and the the
women do not."
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| Posted by Derek Nastase on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 Vampires Visit a RestaurantA vampire walked into a resturaunt and asked for a cup of blood.
The waiter gave it to him and the vampire walked out.
A second vampire walked in and asked for a hot cup of blood. The
waiter gave it to him and the vampire walked out.
A third vampire walked in and asked for a hot cup of water. The
waiter asked, "What's wrong with you? You're a vampire and you
don't want blood?" The vampire smiled, pulled a used tampon out
of his pocket and exclaimed, "Tea time!"
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| Posted by sarah fame on 14-Aug-2005 | Harry, Dick, and LarryThere were these three guys named Harry Dick and Larry. They
discovered a cave and went inside. To their surprise there was a
genie. The genie said you each can have one wish.
Harry wished to be a butterfly and he flew off into the flowers.
Dick wished to be a dinosaur. So he walked off into the dinosaur
time.
Larry wasn't paying any attention and wanted to know where his
friends went so he called out, "Harry? Dick?" Larry turned into
a hairy dick.
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| Posted by Gemma Thompson on 14-Aug-2005 | vampire's drink bloodone day a vampire walked into a bar and said bartender give me a
cold cup of blood
next day he asks for a hot cup of blood
then the next day he says bartender give me a cup of hot water
bartender says i thought vampires only drink blood he says well
they do then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a use tampon
and says tonight i'm in the mood for tea
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| Posted by Jenna L. Reed on 14-Aug-2005 | The CoffinIt was about 2:00 A.M, and a man had just left the bar and was
walking home when he heard steady footsteps behind him. Being a
little nervous, the man began to walk quicker...so the did
footsteps. The man turned around and saw a coffin following
him. He quickened his pace more...and so did the coffin. The
man was now terrified and started to run home. He looked to see
if the coffin was still behind him, and it was. The man was
only a few yards from his front door. When he got to the door,
he opened it, slammed it and locked it. He stood back to look
at the door, not knowing what else to do. The coffin began to
knock on the door forcefully, and all of a sudden, the coffin
broke the door down and came after the man. The man ran
upstairs into the bathroom, slammed and locked the door. The
coffin broke through that door and began opening and shutting
it's lid at the man. The man looked for something to defend
himself, so he opened the medecine cabinet. The only thing he
could find was a bottle of cough syrup, so he threw it inside
the coffin. The coffin stopped.
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| Posted by eric s. jozovich on 14-Aug-2005 | AliensTwo aliens came down to earth to do some research on humans and
to test out their new super weapon too. They land in a desert
and start walking down a dirt road.
They come up to a telephone pole, "Speak earthling or I will
shoot you," says the alien. Now of course the phone pole
didn't utter a word, so the alien shot it. Little peices of
wood flew everywhere. They then went on.
The aliens then came up to a mailbox. "Speak earthling or I'll
shoot you," says the alien again. Well the mailbox didn't say a
word, so it got blasted to itty bitty pieces of metal. The
journey continued. This time the aliens came up to a gas pump.
"Speak earthling or I'll shoot you," said the alien. Now of
course the gas pump didn't say a word, so the alien raised his
gun to fire. "Wait!" yelled his little alien buddy, "give this
one another chance."
The alien decides that this is fair and tells the gas pump
again," Speak earthling or I'll shoot you." And again the pump
says nothing.
So the alien shoots it, it erupts into a huge ball of flames and
hurles the aliens back to their spaceship.
Dazed, the alien asks his friend ," How did you know not to
shoot that one?"
"Well," he answers, " I figure any earthling who can wrap his
dick around his body twice and then stick it in his ear must be
a bad son of a bitch!"
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