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| Posted by Joo Joo on 13-Aug-2005 | Titanic ParodyA Shorter, Harsher Titanic
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named 'Picasso.' I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my 'brooding' face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
*** (Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the samething to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.
KATE: Well all right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
*** (Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
*** (Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking
KATE: That is terrible
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet somehow-less- annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
*** (Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today,with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty- Patootie! I'd turn you over my kneee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)
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| Posted by Kristina on 14-Aug-2005 | i'll have it right herethis girl asks this guy if he would like a drink he said i'll
have a coke she say would you like that in the can he say i'll
have it right here.
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| Posted by amanda m. fuentes on 11-Aug-2005 | Bush the ignorant cowboyThree people were facing the firing squad: Hussein, Bin Laden, and Bush. Hussein was first and just as the squad is about to fire, he screams "EARTHQUAKE!" the firing squad hides and Hussein runs away. Next, Bin Laden comes along and just as the firing squad is about to fire, he screams "TORNADO!" the firing squad hides and Bin Laden runs away. Last is Bush and he thinks what to say so he can get away finally he thinks of something and as the firing sqaud is about to fire, Bush screams "FIRE!"
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| Posted by Heather M. Jones on 14-Aug-2005 | Hit the Floor!On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for
dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she
wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back
and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the
coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...very
big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought
was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't
be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial
stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't
just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up
one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot
and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around
stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second
passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My
God", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her
heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her:
Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare
me", she prayed.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll
push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble
getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly
laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average
sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for
our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He
spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a
hard time not laughing.
She thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She
was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,
but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
rob you? She didn't know what to say.
The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her
feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan
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| Posted by mark m. mcdonald on 11-Aug-2005 | Micheal JacksonWhat are the three things that micheal jackson and a carrier bag have in common?
1. they are both made of plastic
2.they are both white
and 3. they are both dangerous when left with children.
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| Posted by Lucky Lucy on 14-Aug-2005 | Little jonny #1there is a kid named litle Jonny. every friday his techer gives
his class a quiz. if a kid got the question right, they would
have no homework and no school on monday.
the first friday came. the teacher said quiz time. then she
asked how many stars are there in the sky then little jonny got
called on. he answered 1000.
the teacher said thats wrong, heres your homework, see ya
monday. next friday came the teacher said how many fish in the
se lil jonny was caled on. he said 1000 tha teacher said thats
wrong see ya monday.
before next friday came little jonny bought bouncy black 8
balls.
next friday came and the teacher said quiz time then little
bounced the 8 balls. the teacher said allright, who's the
comedian with the black balls?
little jonny raised his hand and said Bill Cosby.
see ya tuesday
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| Posted by Funny D on 14-Aug-2005 | kid at school kid at school
ok theres this kid and his teacher asks him whats 1+1? he says i
dont know? his teacher tells him to go home so he asks his mom
"mom whats 1+1?" she says "shut-up iam on the phone" he wrights
it down on a peace of paper. he goes up to his sister and her
asks what 1+1? she says " goody goody gum drops" so he wrights
it down. he goes up to his brother and he says whats 1+1? he
says " dunanuna dunanuna batman batman" so he wrights it done he
asks hes dad whats 1+1? he says iam popia the salar man i live
in a garbich can. so he goes back to school all happy. his
teacher asks him now do u now what 1+1 is? he says "shut-up iam
on the phone she says go to the ofese right now!he goes goody
goody gum drops! so he was at the ofece and the princabel asks
him why is he to go in his ofec so he does he tells him all the
things he said and the pirncabel who do u think u r? he says
dunanuna batman batman. then he says were do u think u live? he
says iam popia the salar man i live in a garbich can!!!
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| Posted by Cassy L. Crouch on 14-Aug-2005 | George CarlinismsHow come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they
keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his
Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear
earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what
are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look
the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns
out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a
running child?
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