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| Posted by Holly K. Ayres on 14-Aug-2005 | Green, Pink and YellowA US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes
right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry,
you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right
now."
The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay
in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it
hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use
three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green,
pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then
says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I
pink it up, and sez yellow?"
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| Posted by Jena Robbins on 14-Aug-2005 | KGBThe phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy
of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of
wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch
plowed."
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| Posted by Howie Payne on 14-Aug-2005 | Post TurtleWhile suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man,
the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was
doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing
what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post
turtle" was.
He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across
a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't
get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get
anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the
poor thing down. That's a post turtle."
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| Posted by Saska on 14-Aug-2005 | Osma Bn Laden, Uncle Sam and the CanadianThree guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out
walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie
pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes
total," says the genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my
son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in
Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was
forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come
into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge
wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet
thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in
or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
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| Posted by whatever on 14-Aug-2005 | Doctor's Convention Year 00-01Every year the top doctors of all the nations meet at this huge
convention. Yeah, there's short classes, etc. which they attend,
but the real reason there always there is to "out do" each
other. Well, this year at the convention, four doctors got to
talking (bragging).
The doctor from China says "Yep, let me tell ya fellas..our
country is so advanced...we can do a liver transplant, and have
the person out looking for a job in a month!" and then not to be
outdone, the doc. from Japan says...."Shew, that's nothin'...our
country is so advanced, we can do a heart transplant..and have
em' out lookin' for a job in 2 weeks!" and then, not to be
outdone of course, the doctor from Russia says "Why that's
nothing, our country is so advanced, we can do a liver
transplant, AND a heart transplant..and have em' out looking for
a job in a week!
And then the doctor from the USA, says "Why you all are
pathetic...I've got ya all beat by a long shot! Our country is
so advanced....we can take an asshole out of Texas, and put in
the Whitehouse, and have the whole nation lookin' for a job the
very next day!
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| Posted by Melinda s. Nowlin on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Titles for Dubya's Biography10.My Life,Emptier Than the Beer Cans at the Bottom of My Car
9. My Life in a 10oz Bag
8. The Things I've Done has President in a Couple of Lines
7. Waking Up in my Own Vomit
6. I Hate my wife more than Bin Laden plus 10 reasons why
5. I Got's a Swivle Chair in My Office
4. Waisted Away in Margerita Vill
3. Cocaine? No it's Carpet Cleaner!
2. Cause My Mommy Told Me So
1. My Daddy Called Me Second Best
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| Posted by Dv_ on 14-Aug-2005 | Republicans' New SymbolRepublicans announced today they are changing their emblem from
a elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects their
party's political stance.
A condom protects a bunch of dicks, and gives a sense of
security while screwing others, but is not really effective.
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| Posted by Katie Hersberger on 14-Aug-2005 | AfganastanWhats Afganastans contry bird???
Duck
Wuts the vacation plan if you go to Afganastan???
Watching stuff blow up
What do you see in mondern Afganastan picture and alot of???
Rubble
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| Posted by Michelle Robertson on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 Short JokesWhy did the dumb blonde bring Rogaine to the woods?
Because she heard there were bald eagles there.
Why did the dumb blonde bring rogaine in her canoe?
In case the rows fell out of the boat
If Abe Lincoln were alive today, what do you think he would say?
I'm like 200 years old, why the hell am I Alive??
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| Posted by dan mcclenaghan on 14-Aug-2005 | I Only Want 100There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks,
asking God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it
would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked.
The post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA."
They decided that it would be best to just forward the letter to
President Clinton. The president read the letter and thought it
was cute, so he asked his secretary to send the boy $5, thinking
the boy would think that was a lot of money for a little boy.
When the boy got the letter, he was so excited that he sat down
immediately to write a thank-you letter. "Dear God," he wrote,
"Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it is to
be expected, but I thought you should know that when you sent it
through Washington, D.C., the stinkers deducted $95."
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