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| Posted by Cassie Hart on 14-Aug-2005 | Dumb Laws in Texas***** State laws:
When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each
shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the
other has gone. (No, I don't know how that is possible.)
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time
while standing.
Law prohibits driving without windshield wipers. You don't need
the windshields, but you need the wipers.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story
of a hotel.
You can't legally milk someone else's cow.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it
contains a formula for making beer at home.
***** City laws:
In a certain town, you must first get a $5 permit before going
barefoot.
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate
limits of Abilene for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
In Beaumont, college football is banned at Lamar University.
Dallas bans the possession of "realistic dildos".
In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.
In San Antonio, it is illegal to piss on the Alamo. (Law passed
after Ozzy Osbourne did it.)
If you catch a cattle thief in Temple, you may legally hang him
on the spot.
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| Posted by Justin Collingwood on 14-Aug-2005 | A day on the busA woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman
slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near
the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she
was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver
insulted me." She fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why,
he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult
passengers." "You're right." She said, "I think I'll go back up
there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea."
The man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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| Posted by Justin Lincoln on 14-Aug-2005 | Apply for Social SecurityOld Pa Jones tells old Ma Jones that he's going into town to
apply for social security. Ma says, "But Pa, you don't have a
birth certificate. How are you gonna prove your age?" "Now don't
you worry, Ma." said Pa, and leaves for town.
Sure enough he's back in a few hours and reports that he'll be
getting the first check in three weeks. "So how'd ya prove your
age?" asks Ma. "Easy," says Pa, smiling, "I just unbuttoned my
shirt and showed 'em all the gray hair on my chest." "Well,
while you were at it," Scolds Ma, "why didn't you drop your
pants and apply for disability?"
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| Posted by tigergirl8705 on 14-Aug-2005 | Republicans & DemocratsIt took me years to figure out the real difference between
Democrats and Republicans and this little story tells it all.
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when
they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless
person his business card and told him to come to his business
for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and
gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another
homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the
homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.
He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the
homeless person fifty dollars.
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| Posted by Brian w. willis on 14-Aug-2005 | Pope in NYCThe Pope arrives in NYC for an important UN meeting. His flight
is delayed, so he has only 15 minutes to get from JFK airport to
the UN building. A car had of course has been arranged to pick
him up -- he is, after all, the Pope.
The Pope tells the driver of his predicament, but the driver
says that he will not violate the speed limit. So the Pope says
"OK, OK, get in the back, I'll drive." The Pope floors it,
weaving through traffic like a madman. Inevitably, even for the
Pope, he sees flashing lights behind him, and has to pull over.
The officer takes one look in the window, turns pale, and slowly
walks back to his squad car.
He calls up his superior officer, and tells him "I just pulled
this guy over for speeding, but I can't give him a ticket."
"Well, why not?"
"He's too important"
"Well, who is it? The mayor? Did you pull over the mayor?"
"No, no, no. Much more important than that."
"Well, was it Donald Trump?"
"No, no, no. Much more important than that."
"Was it the president? Please tell me you did not pull over the
president of the United States."
"No, no, no. Much more important than than."
By this time, the superior officer is completely flabbergasted.
He yelled "Well, then who the hell did you pull over?!"
To which the policeman nervously replied "Well, I don't know,
but he's got the Pope for a driver!"
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| Posted by luvlygirl on 14-Aug-2005 | License PlateTRY TO FIGURE IT OUT WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE ANSWER.
It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out
and revoke this lady's personalized license plate:
3M TA3
Can you tell why? See answer below.
FIGURED IT OUT YET???????????????????????????
THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART, HUH?
HERE IS THE ANSWER.............
It spells EAT ME in someone's rear view mirror.
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| Posted by rebekah on 14-Aug-2005 | IRSIn a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy
suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of
him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what
the hell are you doing?"
"Well," Said the guy, "You see, I'm a chiropractor and I could
see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back.
Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" The guy replied.
"I work for the IRS. Do you see me fucking the guy in front of
me?"
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| Posted by gabriel on 14-Aug-2005 | Arkansas WorkersA fellow stopped at a rural petrol station and, after filling
his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood
by his car, drinking his Pepsi, he noticed a couple of men
working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move
on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet
behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the fellow with the Pepsi and went on
down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the
can in a recycling bin and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's
going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the state of Arkansas," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the
state's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on
his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of
us--me, Rodney and Mike.
I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the
dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that
Mike and me can't work."
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| Posted by Rebecca j. Mallett on 14-Aug-2005 | Dumb Laws in Oklahoma***** State laws:
Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to
congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
Whaling is illegal.
Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and
picture shown on television.
Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's
hamburger.
Oral sex is a misdemeanor and is punishable by one year in jail
and a $2,500 fine.
Tattoos are banned.
It is illegal to have sex before you are married.
Wearing your boots to bed is unlawful.
Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car.
***** City laws:
An Ada law decrees that anyone wearing New York Jets clothing
may be put in jail.
In Clinton, it is illegal to molest an automobile.
Oklahoma City will not allow you to walk backwards downtown
eating a hamburger.
Nude gambling (for females) is illegal in Schulter.
In Tulsa, you must have a licensed engineer in able to open a
soda can. Also in Tulsa, you are not allowed to take elephants
downtown.
A Wynona statue prohibits the washing of your clothes in bird
baths.
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| Posted by John D on 14-Aug-2005 | The ClintonsWhay does Hillary always get on top during sex?
Because Bill can only fuck up.
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