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| Posted by Shaun A. Leppard on 14-Aug-2005 | Bush V's TalibanMullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and
George
W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a
new
anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three
buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.
After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A
boxing
glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the
face.
Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes
later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes
out
and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again
George
carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of
peace
between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed
and
another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates,
he's
finally had enough.
"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll
finish
these talks in Washington in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for
talks.
As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's
chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They
begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks,
but
nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A
few
minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but
again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue
the
talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up
again,
but again nothing happens.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this,"
says
Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!" George W. says, through
tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"
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| Posted by Jaiva on 14-Aug-2005 | She's Mine!A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs
them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are
phony). He tells them, "O.K. I have a test for you. I want you
to use the words 'cheese' and 'liver' in a sentence."
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for
lunch."
The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" He
asks the second guy.
He says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
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| Posted by Mike J. Bowers on 14-Aug-2005 | Great Laws Of America1. It's illegal to pump gas in New Jersey. (Back to riding my
unicycle)
2. In South Carolina, you can't keep a horse in the bathtub.
(Your hiding place has been discovered Besse)
3. California's state's laws say pot-bellied pigs and hamsters
in animal shelters must be given the same treatment as cats and
dogs. (I worked 10 years trying to have that law passed.. now
all I need to do is have it enforced)
4. In Georgia, all signs must be written in English. (You are no
exception Taco Bell!)
5. In some New Jersey communities, milk is the only item you're
allowed to buy on Sundays. (What, no toothpaste either?)
6. In Massachusetts, the law says you can go to jail if you
challenge or accept a duel--even if it's never fought. (Damnit..)
7. In Montana, it's considered a felony if a wife opens her
husbands mail for him. (Whoops)
8. In Arkansas, the government passed a law saying Arkansas must
be pronounced "Arkansaw." (Thank the Lord!)
9. On Sundays in S. Carolina, you can't buy TV's and radios.
(AND RADIOS??!!)
10. In Massachusetts, you can't frighten a pigeon unless it's on
your property. (Good thing I own all of Boston)
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| Posted by Private Private on 14-Aug-2005 | george gets helpOne night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost.
Bush asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised
George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the
dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?" Bush asked. "Cut
taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another
figure movinginthe shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country, now
that I have been elected President?" Bush asked. "Go to the
theatre," replied Abe.
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| Posted by Salman S. Dossa on 14-Aug-2005 | Chelsea's Letter HomeDear Mom and Dad:
It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I
haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my
unthoughtfulness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.
Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit
down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.
Ok? Good.
I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory
when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much
healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always
said the girls in our family heal fast.
In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get
headaches three times a day now.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911.
He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I
had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really
a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set
the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start
to show. That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how
much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know
that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was growing up.
We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital
blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it
beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to
worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections
should clear it up by next month.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He
is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just
like Dad!
Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I
know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you
won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm
sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good
too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his
native African village. That's an important government position
where he comes from. Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why
I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.
Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you
know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion
or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant,
I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend
of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for
Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper
perspective.
Your loving daughter,
-Chelsea
P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both
terribly...and Socks, too!
P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.
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| Posted by phillip on 14-Aug-2005 | BastardA couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time,
catching a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to
marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they
didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got
the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he
pointed out they had filled the names in backwards--his where
hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and
got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk
had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the
clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge was finally
satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If
there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not
be legal, and any children you might have would be technical
bastards."
Groom: "That's funny! That's just what the clerk called you."
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| Posted by Philup Cavity on 14-Aug-2005 | CrosswordA lady was on a train trying to solve a crossword puzzle. After
minutes of difficulty, she turned to the man next to him and
said, "Could you please help me on this one word?" The man said,
"Sure."
The lady said, "OK. I need a four letter word that ends with
IT." The man replied, "What's the clue?" "What is in a bird cage
and what the governor is full of." After a few minutes, the man
said, "Oh! It must be 'grit'." To which the lady replied, "So it
is! Do you have a pencil with an eraser?"
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| Posted by Angela D. Cox on 14-Aug-2005 | McDonnell Douglas Warranty CardThe following was a page put on the McDonnell Douglas Internet
home page by a worker with a sense of humor. The company took
exception to it, however...
AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES Important! Important! Please
fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase.
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few
moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the
information will help us to develop new products that best meet
your needs and desires.
1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other
First Name
Initial
Last Name
Password
Code Name
Latitude
Longitude
Altitude
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified
3. Date of purchase:
Month: Day: Year:
4. Serial Number:
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
_Received as gift/aid package
_Catalog showroom
_Sleazy arms broker
_Mail order
_Discount store
_Government surplus
_Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store display
_CNN
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
_Style/appearance
_Kickback/bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/maneuverability
_Comfort/convenience
_McDonnell Douglas reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/value
_Backroom politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third World countries
_Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
_Color TV
_VCR
_ICBM
_Killer Satellite
_CD Player
_Air-to-Air Missile
_Space Shuttle
_Home Computer
_Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check
all that apply:
_Democratic
_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed
_Neutral
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt
_Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
_Cash
_Personal check
_Credit card
_Suitcases of cocaine
_Oil revenues
_Deficit spending
_Ransom money
_Traveler's check
12. Occupation of Your Spouse:
_Homemaker
_Sales/marketing
_Revolutionary
_Clerical
_Mercenary
_Tyrant
_Middle management
_Eccentric billionaire
_Defense Minister/General
_Retired
_Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
_Golf
_Boating/sailing _Sabotage
_Running/jogging
_Propaganda/disinformation
_Destabilization/overthrow
_Defaulting on loans
_Gardening
_Crafts
_Black market/smuggling
_Collectibles/collections
_Watching sports on TV
_Wines
_Interrogation/torture
_Household pets
_Crushing rebellions
_Espionage/reconnaissance
_Fashion clothing
_Border disputes
_Mutually Assured Destruction
Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future--as well as allowing you
to receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write
to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800 St. Louis
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| Posted by elliott m on 14-Aug-2005 | Southern California Driver's License ApplicationName: ______________ Stage name: ___________________
Agent: ______________ Attorney: ____________________
Publicist _____________ Manicurist/hair stylist ___________
Sex: __ male __ female __ formerly male __formerly female __ both __
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate
a motor vehicle in any way? Yes ___ No ___
Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Filmmaker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer/Waiter
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Panhandler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________
Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in car: ____
Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex.______
Please list:
Brand of cell phone: __________.
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue ]
Skinhead Men: Please list shade of hair plugs.
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the Net via your laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____
If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car
on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).
Please indicate if you drive a:
a) Beamer,
b) Lexus,
c) Mercedes, or
d) Toyota. If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to
normal delivery time for your driver's license.
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zantax;
e) Viagra.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.
When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
d) reload before coming to a complete stop.
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| Posted by Billy Bob on 14-Aug-2005 | Bush go Boom 3 guys are in an airplane. They have no clue where they
are, so they decide to have a little fun. The first guy throws a
Holy Bible out the window, the second guy throws out a brick,
and the third guy throws out a grenade.
Then, they decide to see how much damage they did. When
they landed, they noticed they were over Washington D.C. at the
time. They see senator Jesse Helms crying, holding the Holy
Bible. The 3 guys asked him what was wrong, and he said "Oh,
this Holy Bible fell on my head and i think god is mad with me."
Next, they see Colin Powell, crying, holding the brick.
They asked him what was wrong, and he replied "This brick fell
on my head and i think god is mad with me for bombing
Afghanistan."
Finally, they see George W. Bush laughing his ass off. When
they asked him what was so funny, he said "Oh, I farted and the
White house blew up."
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