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| Posted by Mr. HaHa on 14-Aug-2005 | Bumper StickersHere are some sayings that would make good bumper stickers:
1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines
3. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese
4. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
5 I intend to live forever - so far, so good
6. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
8. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
9. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
10. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
11. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
12. Robin Hood was a terrorist
13. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it
14. Shake well before and after use
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
16. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash
17. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
18. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
19. People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather
because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle
gangs.
20. "Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a car window."
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| Posted by Thomas Flask on 14-Aug-2005 | ConfuciusConfucius says...
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have
trouble putting on pants.
Confucius says...
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be
patient.
Confucius says...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to
undoing of fly.
Confucius says...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Confucius says...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make whole week.
Confucius says...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find
nuts.
Confucius says...
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt
up, than Man with pants down.
Confucius says...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius says...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his
luck.
Confucius says...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches
crabs.
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| Posted by Krystal on 14-Aug-2005 | An Unfortunate AccidentA plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!"
A passenger said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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| Posted by albert on 14-Aug-2005 | I'll Be Known As...A Scotsman walks into a bar, orders a scotch. He sits down,
takes a drink, and suddenly stands up and says in a thick
Scottish accent: "Men!! Today, I built a house with my bare
HANDS! Do ya think I'll be known as Angus the house builder?"
The men all look around, look at each other, and look at him.
They all shake their heads and say no.
Angus sits down, dejected, takes a few more sips of his drink.
He suddenly stands up again and says: "Men!! Yesterday, I built
a barn with my bare HANDS! Do ya think I'll be known as Angus
the barn builder?" The men all look around, look at each other,
and look at him. They all shake their heads and say no.
Angus sits down once again, sips his drink, and sighs. Suddenly,
he stands up again and says: "Men!! The day before yesterday, I
built a bridge with my bare HANDS! Do ya think I'll be known as
Angus the bridge builder?" The men all look around, look at each
other, and look at him. They all shake their heads and say no.
Angus sits down, finishes off his drink, and mutters: "You fuck
ONE sheep..."
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| Posted by Gemma M. Holmes on 14-Aug-2005 | Nickle or dimeThere's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery
Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys
like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles
shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice
between a nickel and a dime.
He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after
Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior,
those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is
worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's
bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
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| Posted by Ktkat Yong on 14-Aug-2005 | Excuses, ExcusesThese are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
I think a good portion of these came from student's as well...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
---diahre--- ---dyrea--- ---direathe--- the shits.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot
to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold
and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in
bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and
fever. There must be something going around, her father
even got hot last night.
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| Posted by Brandon S. Laboon on 14-Aug-2005 | Did somebody say bumber stickers?Grow your own dope! Plant a man.
"I left my other vehicle in the broom closet."
"Jesus is coming... and boy, is he pissed!
Don't laugh.......your daughter may be in here!!
Neuter Newt.
"BEER ... IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE!"
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.
My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.
Cats Flattened While You Watch.
I May Be Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight.
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.
Quit Sniveling.
Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.
Kissing a Smoker is like Licking an Ashtray
Happiness is Coming.
Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?
Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.
Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.
I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.
Blood Sun Earth
Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
Disarm Rapists
Commit Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty
Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway.
Have You Hugged Your Stockbroker Today?
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
I brake for Hallucinations.
Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...
Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home
If You Love Jesus Tithe - Any Fool Can Honk
I'm OK. You're So-So.
Will Rogers Never Met Howard Cosell.
Smile - Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.
"Telling an Old Person He's Useless Is Abortion on the Other End"
Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco
If Men Could Have Abortions, It Would Be a Sacrament
Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed
Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...]
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Black Holes Suck.
This vehicle does not turn left on red
"Ask me about microwaving cats for Fun & Profit"
RUGBY PLAYERS EAT THEIR YOUNG
JESUS IS COMING.......LOOK BUSY!
"I'm up and dressed. What more do you want?"
MONEY IS THE ROUTE TO ALL EVIL-- send $9.95 for more info.
I Have PMS And I Have A Gun!
GIVE BLOOD...PLAY HOCKEY.
And Finally, "Help Stamp Out Bumper Stickers."
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| Posted by Katie Waszczak on 14-Aug-2005 | What a Scotsman Wears Under His KiltA kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a
large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he
felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree. As
he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard
the Scotsman snoring loudly.
When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've always wondered what a
Scotsman wears under his kilt." So she boldly walked over to the sleeper,
raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank
him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her
hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.
Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked
around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment
filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a
bow.
After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been
lad...but it's nice ta'see y'won first prize!"
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| Posted by William Cash on 14-Aug-2005 | Facts- At one time in Holland it took four years to train to be a hatmaker but
only three years to train to be a surgeon....
- Despite the many rat infested slums in New York City, only 311 people
are bitten by rats in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten
annually by other New Yorkers....
- No one knows why, but 90 percent of women who walk into a department
store immediately turn to the right....
- The term skyscraper was first used way back in 1888 to describe an 11
story building....
- Adults average only one nightmare a year, but typically have seven
sexual fantasies a day....
- There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The
kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million....
- During his entire lifetime, Herman Melville's timeless classic of the
sea, 'Moby Dick', only sold 50 copies....
- The liver, not the heart, is the sign of romance in northern Morocco....
When a Moroccan girl falls in love she says, "Darling, you have stolen my
liver."
- Drivers tend to drive faster when other cars are around. It doesn't
matter whether they are in front, behind, or beside them....
- A small tribe named the Todas in southern India don't greet each other
with a handshake, they thumb their noses....
- The host team in an NFL football game must have 26 footballs inflated
and ready to play....
- The world's greatest lover was King Mongut of Siam. He had 9,000
wives.... Before dying of syphilis he was quoted as saying he only loved
the first 700....
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| Posted by chicky pie on 14-Aug-2005 | 2 MutesThere were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each
other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space
and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get in his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are
having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat
on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get
some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets
out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car
window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put
your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the
car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5
dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the
counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
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