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| Posted by Bertha Mark on 14-Aug-2005 | Travel Agent's Encounters with CustomersI had someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without
trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
"Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her
response...click.
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see
England From Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so
close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour
layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to
drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible
that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago
at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time
zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she
bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to
who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I
checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that
said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After
putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was
actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know
which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which
he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these darn planes have numbers on them.
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of
those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola
on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I
don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one
of those." I doublechecked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China
four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago
to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After
some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am,
I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find
a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be
silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent
scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
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| Posted by Zalman Puchkoff on 14-Aug-2005 | Fair CompetitionA store owner was dismayed when a brand new business much like
his own opened up on his left and erected a huge sign which read
BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right,
and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading
LOWEST PRICES.
Panic ensued until he an idea. He put the biggest sign of all
over his own shop. It read . . . MAIN ENTRANCE
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| Posted by Blazin Shorty on 10-Aug-2005 | Bricklayer Accident ReportThis is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of
the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block
#3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on
the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had
some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel
by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth
floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will
note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my
surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind
and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In
the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding
downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull,
minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident
reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I
mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had
regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite
of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks,
the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts
for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and
lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to
slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost
my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
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| Posted by Roy A. Pitta on 14-Aug-2005 | Alien InvasionThe President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the
Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to
contain himself, "there's good news and bad news." "Oh, no,"
muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from
another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir,
is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
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| Posted by Jameelah S. Bullock on 14-Aug-2005 | Employee Appraisal / Counseling SheetThis form indicates employee performance in the position they
currently hold.
Knowledge
[ ] The son of a bitch really knows his stuff
[ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous
[ ] Only half a brain and is dangerous
[ ] Fucking brain damaged, his coffee cup has a higher IQ
Accuracy
[ ] Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy
[ ] Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass
[ ] Has to take off his shoes to count to ten
[ ] Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice
Attitude
[ ] Extremely cooperative if you kiss his ass frequently
[ ] Brown nose in good standing
[ ] Often pisses off co-workers, thinks it's his shop
[ ] Doesn't give a shit, never did and never will
Reliability
[ ] A really dependable little cocksucker
[ ] You can rely on him at evaluation time
[ ] Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
[ ] Totally fucking useless/worthless
Appearance
[ ] Extremely neat, even combs his pubic hair
[ ] Looks great at evaluation time
[ ] Flies abandon fresh dog shit to follow him around
[ ] Dirty, filthy, dirty son of a bitch
Performance
[ ] Works like a son of a bitch, if there's money in it for him
[ ] Does all kinds of good shit at evaluation time
[ ] Works only if kicked in the ass every 2 minutes
[ ] Couldn't do less work if he were in a fucking coma
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| Posted by karli on 10-Aug-2005 | Things you'd really like to say at work!01. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
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| Posted by John C. Cano on 14-Aug-2005 | Use More SoapA woman sends her clothing out to the local laundry. When it
comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week
she encloses a note to the laundryman that says, "Use more soap
on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note
to the laundry, "Use more soap on panties."
Finally fed up, the laundry man responded with his own note that
said, "Use more paper on ass."
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| Posted by Max on 14-Aug-2005 | Pilot in HellA pilot crashes during a flight and goes to hell. There Satan
appears in front of three doors and says, "You can choose
between any of these doors as your eternal fate. I'll be back
once you've decided." He goes away in a puff of smoke.
In the first door, the pilot sees a man having to do tons of
pre-flight checks for all eternity. He shudders and looks
through the second door, which depicts a pilot out of fuel and
going down, but just microseconds before he hits the ground, he
has to relive the scene over and over again. He shudders and
looks through Door #3, and he likes what he sees. It's a pilot
leaning back in a reclining seat being fed grapes and figs and
what not and being slowly massaged by stewardesses in skimpy
lingerie.
Satan comes back and says, "Well, which one will it be?" The
pilot enthusiastically repeats, "Door #3! Door #3!!!" Satan
says, "You can't choose that one. That's flight attendant hell."
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| Posted by Marshky Marshk on 08-Aug-2005 | Actual Job ApplicationThis is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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| Posted by Mo Jo on 14-Aug-2005 | Captain Hook's Death!Why did captain hook die?
Because he wiped his ass with the wrong hand!
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