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| Posted by James Bond on 14-Aug-2005 | The bar jokeA mushroom walks into the bar the bartender says we dont serve
your kind.. The mushroom replyed why im a fungi...
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| Posted by holly on 14-Aug-2005 | Knock Knock....-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Water
-Water Who?
-Water you doing?
******
-knock knock
-who's there?
-Abbot
-Abbot who?
-Abbot you dont know who this is!
******
-Knock knock
-who's there?
-Abe Lincoln
-Abe Lincoln who?
-Dummy! you dont know who Abe Lincoln is?
******
-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Ach
-Ach who?
-God bless you!
******
-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Ali
-Ali who?
-Ali Bamba
*******************************************
-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Edsall
-Edsall who?
-Edsall there is, there isnt any more!!!!
********************************************
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| Posted by Piper_85 on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Things to do Online1. Answer a porno ad and say i would like the full package.
2. Talk to somebody and pretend to be gay.
3. Go into a chat room and "come out" see how many IM's you get.
4. Go into a gay chat room and ask in Snooky is there. See what
happens.
5. Shop online at a bunch of stores, then call each company to
return the items becaue they send the wronge item. see how many
of them let you keep the item. and if they sned you what you say
you requested.
6. Go to the Victoria Secret web site and satre for hours.
7. E-mail some redskin fans and ask if the know where you left
yourcowboys hat.
8. Send warnings to all your friends. watch them get kicked off.
9. Try to sell smack online.
10. Try not to get caught doing any of this.
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| Posted by Autumn on 14-Aug-2005 | Yomama Joke!Yomama so fat that, when she is in China and gets painted
greyish brown, a boy walks by a sez, mama, thats the China Wall!
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| Posted by Vince Carter on 14-Aug-2005 | How do u eat urs?At first a little nibble, then a slow and tempting lick, Isuck
and munch my liquid lunch and I swallow quick!!
Cadbury's Cream Egg - How do u eat urs???!!!
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| Posted by Justin T. Beilstein on 14-Aug-2005 | Before The Trouble StartsA man walked into a pub. He walked up to the bar and asked
"Can I have a beer before the troble starts?" So the bar tender
gives him a drink. Th man asked again
"Can I have another beer before the trouble starts?" So the bar
tender gives him another beer. The man finished his beer and
asked
"Can I have another beer before the trouble starts?" So the bar
tender gives him another beer. The man starts to drink his beer
when the bar tender said
" Are you going to pay for that?"
Then the man goes
"Now the trouble is starting!"
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| Posted by Krissy J on 14-Aug-2005 | air flightI am sick of air flight assistants and piolets being so nice "i
hope you enjoyed your meal sir" "i am very sorry bet here will
be a slight bit of turblence i'm sorry for any
inconvenience".just once i mould like the piolet to come over
the PA system and say "ladys & gentelmen i have just found out
that we have 4 high power engians capabul of giveing us 400g
forces each so we're going to go for the new world speed record,
we do realise this is very irresponsible but we are board out of
our brains up here in the cocpit, there will be a hel of alot of
turbelence as we go thrugo the sound barrier and a very real
chance that the wings will be ripped of".
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| Posted by D M. C on 14-Aug-2005 | green fuckerWhat do you get when you cross a leprechan and a hooker: a
little green fucker about 1 inch big
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| Posted by J R on 14-Aug-2005 | Man pees out the WindowOK, there's a guy on the 6 floor of a building who likes peeing
out the window. There's a guy on the 8th floor who throws
knives out the window. A guy on the 5th floor who paints things
green. A guy on the first floor who eats pickles. Well the guy
on the 8th floor droped his knife and then something fell into
the paint can of the guy who paints things green while it was by
the window sill and knocked it down. The guy on the 1st floor
found a so called "Pickle"
on the ground the next day and he ate it.
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| Posted by Naya on 14-Aug-2005 | blondieOne day a blond decided to go camping.she went to
the camp ground and set up her tent. it started to get dark so
she made a fire when she got the fire going she made smores and
talked to herself . But after awhile of talking to herself and
eating smores she got tired and went to bed.
It was morning now and the blond was outside sleeping on the
ground and the camp ranger stoped to ask her why she was
sleeping on the gournd outside when she has a tent setup.
the blond replied well i herd nosies inside the tent so i came
out here to sleep.
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| Posted by Elsa Romxo on 14-Aug-2005 | old king coleold king cole was a merry old soul
and a merry old soul was he
cos he had a dick that was three inches thick
and it hung down to his knee
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| Posted by Ryan Johnson on 14-Aug-2005 | ZapThere was a alien and a Man at a Bar
The Alien Kept touching the Man and saying zap. The man said stop
The Alien did it again and the man said seriously stop.
The Alien then did it again and the man said if you do it again
I will cut of your dick.
The Alien does it again and the man pulls down his pants, but
there is nothing there and the man said how do you have sex.
The Alien looks at him and says Zap.
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| Posted by SmarteeS11 on 14-Aug-2005 | down in the dumpsJack meets Bill at the bar for a drink after work.
Jack really looks down in the dumps.
Bill asks, "Why the long face? Bad day at work?"
"Yeah," replies Jack. "You know, sometimes I wish
I worked for the Pope instead of my boss."
"Why is that," asks Bill.
Jack sighs and says, "Cause then I would only have
to kiss his ring."
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| Posted by Evan Hawbaker on 14-Aug-2005 | a few things to do in public1. when a person is taking there dog for a walk, pet it and play
with it for a long time as long as u can untill the owner of the
dog leaves.
2. If someone has there dog outside, bark at it loudly for a
long time untill the owner lets him in the house when they do,
then say something sarcastic.
3. While some kids are playing a game, join them then brake all
the rules trample them down untill they leave.
4. Go to a mall hide behind something then jump out and fall in
front of someone see if they help u.
5. go to a public bathroom and throw everything around clogg the
sinks up! (ive done this)
6. glogg the bathroom sink turn the water on and leave. (done
this)
7. (something ive done) I went fishing, we caught a little fish,
so we were sorta playing with it. Then we took it all the way to
the public bathrooms, stuck it in the toilet and leave it there
9lucky my parents werent there!)
8. throw worms at someone and start a fight, see who wins! (done
this)
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| Posted by Lesley A. Salton on 14-Aug-2005 | reading the newspapper nackedthere was a man outside reading the newspapper nacked and
suddenly a littel girl walks by,he quickly says to himself "oh
crap what should I do".He puts the newspapper over himself. The
girl asks what ca hidin' under there mister ." Ah ah my birdy"
he replies. can i play with him mister. Ah ,no he is sleeping
now.He doses off . He wakes up in the hostpital. channel seven
news comes up to him and says" what happened"? He says" i do not
know ask that littel girl ovetr there. so they did. The girl
says "oh yeah I played with his birdy I brock his neck, smashed
both its eggs and then I lit his nest on fire.
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| Posted by Yannick G. Marshall on 14-Aug-2005 | Bad Day?If you're ever having a bad day, just imagine that you are one
half of a set of siamese twins, and the other one is gay, but
you have the one ass.
Feel better?
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| Posted by Meagan Fisher on 14-Aug-2005 | 5 more............ insultsYou are so Poor. i walked into your house and stepped on a lite
ciggarte ash on the floor and your dad said, "Who turned off the
heat."
Your mama is so ugly. She look out the window and got arested
for mooning.
You are so poor when I rang your door bell your tolet flushed.
You are so ugly. When some one complements you they stutter so
much you could think they were liein,
You are so dumb you couldn't even pass a blood test.
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| Posted by Cliff J. Not Available on 14-Aug-2005 | Funny j0kesTheres three guys that are builder men. One day they are all
complaining how there life is so boring and that if they get the
same lunch once more they will commit suicide.
The next day the three men all got the same sandwiches. They all
commit suicide. All the wifes are called and told what happened.
The first two wifes say that they should have never packed them
those lunches! The third wife says: I dont get it? He packed his
own lunch!
Three teenagers are walking in the forest when they meet a
wizrd. He tells them that if they jump off the cliff and wish
for sumptin they will fall rite into it so... The first girl
wishes for gold and lands in a pile of gold. The guy wishes for
money and lands in money. the third guy trips on a rock and says
Crap! he lands in a pile of crap
What do u say to sumone who tries to steal yur cheese?
NATCHO CHEESE!
What did one light say to the other?
YOU TURN ME ON
What did one knife say to the other?
YOUR LOOKING SHARP TODAY
Your pretty...
Pretty ugly!
how to give yourself a facial:
Ingridients:
1/2 glass of fresh dirt
2 onions
a bag of flour
Lemons
DIRECTIONS:
1- Get some fresh dirt from your garden.
2- Take the fresh dirt and rub it all over your face (do not put
on your eyes or lips)
3- take the two onions and put them on your eyes! (they replace
cucumbers any time) Fact-- Onions are good for your eyes because
they clear your tear duxes
4- Take the flour and get someone to pour it all over your face.
It will clear your pours and make your face a lighter color. (If
you are pale use brown sugar)
5- Leave on for about 5 minutes and then get sumone to pour the
lemon all over your face for a nice clean feeling
6- After 30 minutes take off! Your face will be beutiful ( If
troubles taking off use gardening tools)
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| Posted by muhamed kovacevic on 14-Aug-2005 | the new jobA guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what?
I've found a great job. A 10 am start, 2 pm finish, no over-
time, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"
"That's great," his wife said.
"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."
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| Posted by Jason White on 14-Aug-2005 | Kids One day a kid sitting on his porch played a game his
mom in the kitchen doing dishes watched as her son popped a M&M
in his mouth bit the cat and went down a step.
The mom said to her self "what the fuck is he doing "
The mom watched as the kid repeted this 4 or 5 times then a
little worried went out and asked "what the hell are you doing"
The kid looked at her and said
"I'am playin trucker poppin pills eating pusi and scotin on down
the road."
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| Posted by Kyle w. Pickett on 14-Aug-2005 | osama 2Q: Whats the difference between bin laden and alladin ?
A: Aladdin has three wishes and osama only has one , a death
wish.
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| Posted by Kaveh C. Mohebbi on 14-Aug-2005 | hot air ballonthere are three men in a hot air ballon one has an axe the
other one has a sword and the other one has a bomb the first man
drops the axe then he see a girl crying he says what is the
matter a axe just fell for the sky and killed my mommy so he
runs off the other man drops his sword he see a boy crying he
says what is the matter the boys said a sword droped from the
sky and killed my dad so the man runs off the last man
drps the bomb he see a boy laughing he said why are you
laughing the boy said my best friend just farted so loud
he blow up the hole town
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| Posted by Johnny F. Gleason on 14-Aug-2005 | BlowjobOne day a man gets home from work obviosly depressed so his wife
asks him wat's wrong. He replies that his flirted wit him. She
ses, "that bitch I'm gonna kill her!!!" He then responds to his
wife, "Honey my boss is a 72 year old man.
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| Posted by Mary on 14-Aug-2005 | Breast Stroke
A blond, a red head, and a brunet enter a race to swim a
cross the Mississippi river. So at 7:00 am they
start to swim. At 9:00 am the red head walk up on the beach. At
11:00 the brunet walks up on the beach.
3 hours pass and everyone is getting worried about the blond.
One hour latter the blond walked up on the beach.
Every one asked her what took her so long and she said, "I don't
want to sound like a sour louser but I think the
other girls used their arms."
(I know this is really, really lame!!!*:)
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| Posted by trevor_chong on 14-Aug-2005 | That's some salesman!A traveling salesman was driving down a country road, when a
rabbit
ran in front of his car and he hit it. The proverbial farmer was
sitting on the fence watching. The salesman got out of his car
and
opened the trunk. He then removed an aerosol can and sprayed the
contents on the dead rabbit.
The next thing you know, the rabbit got up and hopped about 20
feet
down the road, turned and waved to the salesman, went another 20
feet,
and waved to the salesman again.
The salesman looked at the farmer and said "He'll be okay now."
The
salesman got into his car and left.
The farmer, wondering what was going on, walked over to the ditch
where the salesman threw the can, and picked it up and read the
label.
It said, "FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE."
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| Posted by Topaz Singh on 14-Aug-2005 | Ho'tailThere was a man wanting to hire someone for his new buisness.
This black woman walked in and said, "I'm looking for a job."
The man said "Okay", but i don't have the applications ready
yet."Then he said I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you four
words and you have to make a sentence out of them. She said I
gotts tis! The man said the first word is "Read." So she said "I
went to the store and bought a red dress. The man said okay,
second word, "nachos". She said "okay i gotts tis," I went to
the store and bought a red dress and its nach yos. The man was
getting angry with the women but said okay third word
"NINEBUTTONS." She replied again, "Okay I gotts tis," I went to
the store and bought a red dress that nach yos and has nine
buttons and buttonss eight. The mas was really angry now,but he
said okay last word "HOTEL!" She said," OKAY I GOTTS TIS!!! I
WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT A RED DRESS AND ITS NACH YOS IT HAS
NINE BUTTONS AND I ONLY BUTTONSS EIGHT AND WHEN I BEND OVER YOU
CAN SEE MY HO'TAIL!"
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| Posted by Porlin Yeung on 14-Aug-2005 | Irishman on a broken planeTommy O'Shea sat on a four engined jet one day, feeling very
excited to be flying to Australia for a holiday. Now a very
tired Aussie was sitting next to him called Mark Didgimburro.
Mark was flying back to Australia after a bussiness trip to
Ireland.
After 2 hours into the flight, the piolet sent a message over.
"Exuce me, ladies and gentleman. I'm afraid there is a deley in
our flight. One of our engines has broken down and we will be 1
hour late in Brisbane. Sorry for the inconviniance."
After 2 1/2 hours into the flight, the piolet sent a message
over. "Exuse me, ladies and gentleman. I'm afraid there is a
deley in our flight. The second of our engines has broken down
and we will be 2 ours late in Brisbane. I apologise for the
inconvinience."
After 3 hours into the flight, the piolet sent a message over.
"I beg your pardon, ladies and gentleman but I'm afraid there is
another dely in our flight to Brisbane. Our third engine has
broken down and we will be about 4 hours late to our destinatio."
So by now everyone is really pissed and Tommy turns to Mark and
says, "If the last engine brakes down, we'll be up her
forever!!!"
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| Posted by April L. Milam on 14-Aug-2005 | Gay FarmerWhat is a gay farmers favorite candy?
-A Jolly Rancher!
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| Posted by Mike H. Stevens on 14-Aug-2005 | Chapped LipsA couple are on holidays in the west of Ireland. It is wet and
freezing. They visit a remote pub and are the only people there
except for the barman. They order drinks and sit down. Looking
out the large bay-window they spot a donkey taking a piss in the
field. All of a sudden the husband bolts out the door and into
the field. The wife and barman look on in amazement as the
husband lifts the donkeys tail and kisses it on the arse!
Apon his return the wife,(in a state of shock), asks him
"Why the fuck did you kiss the donkey on the arse?"
The husband replies " I've got chapped lips!"
The wife replies "But kissing a donkey's arse in not a cure for
chapped lips!"
The husband replies "I know but it stops you from licking them!"
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| Posted by Jake r. grumbeck on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 HuntersOne day there were three hunters. Their names were Bob, Zach,
and Jason. One day Jason went out and came back with a huge
deer. Zach and Bob were amazed and said," How did you do that?"
Jason answered, "I followed the tracks, caught the deer with a
rope, killed the deer with a knife, and brought it back."
The next day Zach went out and got an even bigger deer than
Jason's! Jason and Bob were amazed and said,"How did you do
that?" Zach answered,"I followed the tracks, caught the deer
with a rope, killed the deer with a knife, and brought it back."
The next day Bob tried to catch an even better deer than Zach's.
Later that day, a guy named Ed came and said,"Bob died." Zach
and Jason asked,"How?" "Well according to the witnesses it's a
very strange story. Bob was following the train tracks. When he
saw some people and shouted,'has anyone seen a deer!' Then a
train came and he threw a rope on it. The rope tied to a wheel.
Next Bob tried to cut the train open with a knife and BOOM! He's
dead.
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