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| Posted by Wojtek Dabrowski on 08-Aug-2005 | YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF ...YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF ...
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket
Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um
You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise
You learn about your layoff on CNN
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined
You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive
It's dark when you drive to and from work
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else
Communication is something your group is having problems with
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple
Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital
Art involves a white board
You're already late on the assignment you just got
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read only by your co-workers
Your boss' favorite lines are, "When you get a few minutes" or "When you're freed up"
Your boss' second favorite lines are, "...this isn't exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed."
Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"
Change is the norm
The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
You read this entire list and understood it.
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| Posted by Prankster (Jake) on 09-Aug-2005 | People with narrow minds usuallyPeople with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
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| Posted by Carol Peanut on 08-Aug-2005 | The Vacuum Cleaner CEOThe CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself.
He pulled up to an old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $2,000 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $700 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the well-dressed and impeccably groomed CEO. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the CEO emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder. I am the CEO! You have my GUARANTEE!"
"I got a better idea" said the old man, "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls. Your nice suit, your tie, your shoes, everything!"
"Fine, sir!" said the CEO confidently. "I'll give you my clothes!"
"Lemme ask you somethin', pal...Where are you goin' when you leave here?"
The CEO answered very confidently: "To a VERY important conference! WHY?"
"Will they let you in if yer barefoot?" said the old man.
"Of course not!" said the CEO.
"How much did you pay for those socks you'v got on?" asked the old man.
"Fifty dollars" said the bewildered CEO.
"I ain't never worn fifty dollar socks before!" said the old man. "It will be kinda hard for you to wear overalls to work, I guess!" said the old man.
"WHAT?!" said the confused CEO.
"And will you show how me to tie a necktie?" said the old man...
One hour later, the door of the apartment opened, and the CEO carefully looked out. Seeing that no one was around, his foot appeared.
A bare foot.
He stepped out into the hallway - dressed only in overalls and bare feet. His expensive executive suit and tie had vanished, along with his confidence and dignity.
The old man watched him run away to his car with a grin, admiring the expensive pinstriped suit and silk tie he had just acquired. He then sat down and pulled on the CEO's fifty dollar socks and gleaming shoes.
"Now I gotta see about payin' that electric bill..."
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| Posted by Jamie N. Lewis on 09-Aug-2005 | It takes a big manIt takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.
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| Posted by Heather H on 09-Aug-2005 | There is nothing so smallThere is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.
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| Posted by Siemen on 09-Aug-2005 | When I take a longWhen I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
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| Posted by Rachel sutton on 11-Aug-2005 | Family BusinessA very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
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| Posted by Lewis W. Winn on 09-Aug-2005 | If you want to makeIf you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
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| Posted by Briana L. Blahnik on 08-Aug-2005 | looking busy
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"
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| Posted by Kellen Cuttance on 09-Aug-2005 | In most offices, the photocopierIn most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.
The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.
Thank You
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