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| Posted by Justin R. School on 09-Aug-2005 | Military wisdomSubject: INSTRUCTIONS AND WISDOM FROM MILITARY MANUALS & OTHER SOURCES
"Aim towards the enemy." ---
Instructions printed on U.S. Army Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." ---
U.S.M.C. Training Bulletin
"Cluster bombing from B-52's is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." --- U.S.A.F. Literature
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." --- Infantryman's journal
"A slipping trigger gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in left of your unit." --- Army's Magazine of Preventative Maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed." --- U.S.A.F. Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." ---
Infantryman's journal
"Tracers work both ways." --- U.S. Army Ordinance Manual
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." --- Infantryman's journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
Infantryman's journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." --- Infantryman's journal .
Any ship can be a minesweeper....once." --- Anonymous Naval brass
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." ---
Unknown Marine recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--- Your buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -
Unknown
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Michael A. Kosbie on 09-Aug-2005 | Talking dogA guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." The dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. "
"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down."
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Element on 09-Aug-2005 | Courting all nightMichael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.
The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan.
One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down,
"What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?"
"Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!"
"Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by shante on 09-Aug-2005 | CrankyWe start to bud in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears.
Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption that boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens or sooner. Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage, premarital or not, is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod pushed into your uterus through your nostrils. (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.)
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that we are, and we are, we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. In-Labor. Calm down and push.
Just one more (or 10 more) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the asshole (and husband) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that cute wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years... Need I say more?
The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid 30's to early 40's while husband had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks?
I love being a woman (call me crazy) but "Womanhood" would even make the Great Gandhi more spiteful!!!
And they say women are the "weaker sex". HA!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Ronald A. Court on 09-Aug-2005 | OxymoronsOxymorons
47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate
And the Number one top OXY-Moron
01. Microsoft Works
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Sam J. Wasserman on 09-Aug-2005 | Psychiatiric HotLineWelcome to the Psychiatiric HotLine
If you are obsessive-compulsive...... Press 1 Repeatedly
If you are co-dependent........
Ask someone to Press 2
If you have multiple personalities...... Press 3,4 and 5
If you are paranoid-delusional.......
We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are manic-depressive..........
It doesn't matter which number you press No one will answer.
Listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to Press.
Thank You for Calling & Have a Nice Day!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by George Washington on 09-Aug-2005 | Three moralsA little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep doo-doo, keep your mouth shut.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Anita Bath on 09-Aug-2005 | Dogs & light bulbsHow many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Lab- Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund- You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute- Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier- I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound- It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel- Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff- Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman- While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer- Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
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| Posted by Ahmet Bulut on 09-Aug-2005 | Hole in one!Bill goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"
The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."
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| Posted by MindYerBeak on 09-Aug-2005 | Burns longerWhy is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
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