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| Posted by Laura Seeley on 14-Aug-2005 | You Will Forget In The MorningA doctor comes out to a man who's been waiting over an hour to
hear his check-up results and say to the man, "I've got some
good news and some bad news for you sir !" The man hesitated a
little and asked for the bad news first, The doctor repled, "I'm
afraid you only have two weeks to live!"
The man cried out, "What! Oh my God! What could possibly be good
news after that?" The doctor looked at him and smiled saying,
"The good news is that you have alzheimers disease too, so
you'll probably forget in the morning!"
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| Posted by Mindy A. Gotsch on 14-Aug-2005 | Your Bird One day in the summer a man was sitting on a nude beach
sunning himself and this little girl walks up to him and asks
him mister whats that. He answers thats my woodpecker
sitting in its nest, while she was walking away she mummbles I
don't like birds... About ten minutes later the man desides to
take a nap... When he wakes up he's in the hospital with a
large pain in his lower body the nerse brings in the little girl
from before... She says Mister I'm sorry I killed your bird I
snaped its neck cracked its eggs and set the nest on fire....
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| Posted by Ronald Soe-Win on 14-Aug-2005 | Hospital BillsOn the way out of the hospital after surgery, the patient
stopped by the billing office to pay up.
The room cost was $650 a day, medication was $200 a day, tests
totalled $3,800 and the doctor cost $2,800.
Upon inspection of the bill, the patient exclaims, "Over $7,000
fucking dollars. They must think I'm crazy!"
The clerk responded, "I guess not sir, there's no charge on here
for any psychological evaluation."
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| Posted by Maryanne on 14-Aug-2005 | GhostRobert a 70 year old man was unable to take a crap for many days
so he decided to go to the hospital to talk to a doctor. Waiting
in the room the nurse comes in to take his vitals, the nurse
asked him, "Sir what seems to be the problem?" Robert says,
"Well I'm having a hard time taking a crap and I have tried
everything and I don't know what else to do." The nurse says,
"Well you're in the right place. We'll take care of you." The
doctor comes in and asks him as well, "So, what's the problem?"
Robert says, "I can't take a crap. I need help." "Well we will
take care of this!! Nurse, prepare for a enema." Says the
doctor. The doctor leaves and the nurse prepares to get things
together. The nurse says to Robert, "Now sir you need to lay on
your side and relax while I insert this. It will be a little
cold at first." Robert prepares for the cold shock by holding on
to the side rail.
Making faces and moaning he begins to tell the nurse, "What the
hell are you doing down there!!" "We're just about finished,"
said the nurse, "But now I have to tell you that you'll need to
hold this in as much as you can. I have to run and get a bed pan
for you. If you go before I come back I'll get in trouble
because the doctor does not like it for us to leave. But someone
forgot to leave a clean bedpan in here. I'll be right back." The
nurse said. While she was gone Robert kept his butt cheeks very
tight trying to hold it in, wondering where the nurse is, he
begun to squirm and roll around, and then all of a sudden he LET
GO and crapped all over the bed and himself. It was a mess!!
Remembering what the nurse said he rushed to clean it up and
taking the soiled bedclothes and gown off and wondering where to
hide it.
Hearing the nurse coming closer he threw them out the window!
But while he was throwing them out the window a poor old man was
taking a very nice walk, and all of a sudden the soiled
bedclothes landed on him. He screamed and ran back home with
crap all over him. He rushes into his home. His wife ran to him
and asked him, "What the hell happened to you?!" The husband says
to her, "I don't know but I think I just beat the crap out of a
ghost!!"
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| Posted by amylynn on 14-Aug-2005 | Blond Giving Birth there is a blond giving birth and the head comes out black
so the doctor says"mam have u been haveing sex with a black
man?"and the blond replays"yes, but only once" "whell once is
all it takes"says the doctor and then the body comes out yellow
so the doctor says"mam have u benn haveing sex with an asian
man?" "yes butonly once" replys the blond again "well once is
all its takes" says the doctor and then the legs come out red so
once again the doctor askes "mam have u been haveing sex with an
indian man?" so once again the blond replys "yes but only once"
so the doctor says "well once is all it takes" so the doctor
cuts the ambilcal cord holds the multie color baby up and spanks
it and it starts to cry so the blond says "whew thank god it
dosn't bark!".
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| Posted by Bruce Henry on 14-Aug-2005 | Can't Get the Coffin Door CloseThere was once a man who was having problems getting an
erection. He went to his doctorto get some help.
Doctor: What's your problem?
Man: I am having trouble getting an erection.
Doctor: Ohh, that is a problem.
Man: Doc, can you help me?
Doctor: I believe so. There may be a number of reasons. What I
would suggest is something called Viagra. It stimulates your
hormones so that you will have an erection. I will give you a
prescription for a week, then you will come back and tell me how
it went.
Man: Thanks Doc, I hope it works.
A week later the man came back and he was obviously happy.
Doctor: So how did it go, did it work out?
Man: Doc, it worked great! Can you give me three cases of Viagra?
Doctor: Three Cases?! My god, what for?
Man: Well, I have to admit, I took the weeks prescription in one
day and I am just now starting off it. I figure that with three
cases, it'll last me the rest of my life.
Docter: Well, It's against my better judgment, but ok.
Two days later the doctor got a letter from the Man's wife:
Dear Doctor,
I am sorry to trouble you but something terrible, and tragic
happened yesterday. My husband had finished taking all of his
Viagra, and I have to say, it worked well. We were in the middle
of the most passionate sex I have ever had, and as soon as he
made me orgasm, he dropped dead.
We are having the funeral Friday, and I would hope you will see
it fit to come and pay your respects.
Sincerily, Caroline p.s. There is a problem that you may be able
to help with.
The following friday the doctor showed up at the funeral. The
wife of the man rushed over to him.
Wife: Doctor, I need your help immeadiatly!
Doctor: What's the problem?
Wife: I didn't think it was a problem when his pants couldn't
fit, so he is in his coffin with no pants, but....
Doctor: What is it?
Wife(bursts out crying): We can't get the coffin door CLOSED!
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| Posted by Ishbo I. Ish on 14-Aug-2005 | Rusty old ManAn old man in his eighty's or so got up and was putting on his
coat, hat, socks, and shoes when his wife ask where he was going.
The man replied, "I am going to the doctor to get some of those
new Viagra pills." His wife abruptly got out of her rocker and
got herself dressed as well. Her husband then huffed, "Well now
where are YOU going?"
"Oh, Well because you are going to get Viagra pills that can
only mean one thing so in that case, she said with a board
voice, I guess I will go too."
"No your not, I can get there just fine on my own and I don't
need you help!" Snapped the man in an aggravated voice.
With that, his wife replied in a very dull and blunt voice, "No
dear, you've got it all wrong, sense you're going to start using
that rusty old thing again, I have no choice but to get a
tetanus shot. You didn't honestly think that I gave a rat's ass
whether or not you got there safely or not.....Did you?"
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| Posted by Milehigh on 14-Aug-2005 | Medicinal PurposesA nun one night enters a liquor store and asks the keeper of the
shop for some alcohol. "I can't. It's just not right. It goes
against my conscience and religious beliefs to sell booze to a
nun." he says. "But I must have it for medicinal proposes for
the mother superior," she tells him pleadingly.
"Sister, I just can't. Don't ask this of me, please," he begs.
"I must, it's our last resort to help the good mother with this
personal problem. A sample of your brew might be the cure." she
tries to explain.
"And you swear this is for nothing more than medicinal
proposes?" he asks. "I lay to you the promise that is true on
the cross of Christ," she swears with hand over heart.
"All right, you can have the smallest bottle in the shop." he
cedes. "That is more than enough, thank you, and god bless." She
buys the stuff and leaves.
Later that night, after closing shop and heading home through
the park, the keeper runs into the little nun, sloshed out of
her mind on a park bench. "Sister, you lied to me, you swore to
Christ that the booze I sold you would be for medicinal proposes
for mother superior," he said, hurt and confused.
"I dina ly, it iss for the motfer sup-(hichup)-erior. Maybe
she'll quit a bitchen and finnally shit (burp) when she sees me."
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| Posted by Israel A. Vega on 14-Aug-2005 | 6 Everyday Lies1. "I'll just be a minute."
2. "Let's get together for lunch. I'll give you a call."
3. "Everything's fixed."
4. "The check is in the mail."
5. "I'll return your book as soon as I finish reading it."
6. "The doctor will be with you shortly."
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| Posted by jen on 14-Aug-2005 | Hermaphrodite BabyA woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes
in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby,
Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your
baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... What's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...
features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says,
"Oh no! You mean it has breasts...AND a brain?"
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