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| Posted by Umm...ME on 14-Aug-2005 | crazywhat do you call a crazy person who is obsessed with the moon?
a lunar-tic
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| Posted by Rose Petal on 14-Aug-2005 | The WaterThree boys were in the desert with only one bottle of water
left. They were all very thirsty, so they had a dreaming
contest. Whoever had the best dream would get the water, so they
all went to sleep right away. When they woke up, the first boy
said, "I dreamed I won a lottery ticket." The second boy said,
"I dreamed I was immortal." The third boy said, "While you guys
were sleeping I drank the water."
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| Posted by Mr X. Jiffy on 14-Aug-2005 | Dumb Facts1. Married men live longer than singel men do, but married men
are alot more willing to die.
2. Parents spend the first twelve months of thier childrens
lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve
telling them to sit down and shutup.
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| Posted by Star Shooter on 14-Aug-2005 | How to Keep a Healthy Level of InsanityBig Laughs
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with
sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing
cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise
your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask
if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it
"in"
5. Put decaff in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for
sexual favours."
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance
with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically
after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to
go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems
don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play
a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you
can't attend their party because you're not in the
mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your
wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I
won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're
loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the
economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address
book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not
to send them stuff like this.
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| Posted by Steve M. Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | Things I MUST Remember as a Dog!1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying
under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or
under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the
house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after
they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean
carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just
because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tastie, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then
redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red
ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear
one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the
backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on
the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the
bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after
just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable
way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought
it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the
pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt
across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just
because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my
crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly
clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he
makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
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| Posted by BloodAngel on 14-Aug-2005 | Philosophic QuestionsPonder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?
If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?
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| Posted by Cassie Flory on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 RhymesThere is a class of students waiting for the bell to ring on the
last day of school. They perster thier teacher for them to leave
early... but she denies the request. Finally after much pleading
the teacher decides and says, "If you can give me 3 rhymes I
will let you go home."
The first kid puts up his hand and says,
"Hi my name is Stan,
and I want to go to Japan
in my dads van
if I can
sometime maybe."
The teachers applauds and says, "Very well."
The next kid puts up his hand,
"Hi my name is Dan,
and I want to go to Japan
with Stan
but in my own dad's van
if I can
sometime maybe."
The teacher smiles and says that was very clever.
A girl puts her hand up and says,
"Hi my name is Aimee,
and I want to have a baby
if I can
sometime maybe."
The teacher smiles and says, "Very well you can leave." But the
class bully is upset he hasnt had a go, and the teacher decides
to let him have his say.
"Hi my name is Buck
and I don't give a fuck
about Stan or Dan
going to Japan.
And as for Aimee
I am gonna give her the baby
and there's no fucking maybe."
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| Posted by IgLoO gRrL on 14-Aug-2005 | Bad pickup linesIf those old pickup lines aren't working for you like "did it
hurt, (she says) what. When you fell from heaven. Then read
these pickup lines I guarantee at least one will work for you.
1.Are my undies showing? ["No."] "Would you like them to?"
2.Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?
3.Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call your mother
and thank her.
4.Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In
This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!
5.Damn, I thought "very-fine" only came in a bottle!
6.Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
7.Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write
down my number?
8.Do you know the essential difference between sex and
conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
9.Excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual
friend who could introduce us.
10.For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
11.Gee, for a fat girl you sure don?t sweat much.
12.Have you heard the latest piece of medical knowledge saying
that Sex is a real killer? Do you want to die happy?
13.Hi, are you here to meet a nice man or will I do?
14.Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me
down; go ahead say no.
15. Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long,
and think it's time to see if I'm right.
16.Hi. You'll do.
17.How do you like your eggs cooked? [Why?] Well I just wanted
know what to make for you in the morning!
18.I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.
19.I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!
20.I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you
are!!
21.I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
22.I seemed to have lost my way, would you mind taking me with
you.
23.I lost my number can I have yours.
24.I was going to tell you a joke that'll make your tits fall
off. But it looks like somebody beat me to it.
25.I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you
are?
26.If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
27.If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it
against me?
28.If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
29.I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your
apartment?
30.I'm the kind of man who deserves to have women I don't
deserve.
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| Posted by MindYerBeak on 14-Aug-2005 | 2 MuffinsThere were 2 muffins in an oven.
THe one muffin says "Damn, it's really hot in here!"
The other muffin screams "AHHHHH a talking muffin!!!!"
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| Posted by Clare Sakic on 14-Aug-2005 | Hallow'eenWhy to pedofiles like hallow'een so much?
Home delivery
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