|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by NateDaGreat on 10-Aug-2005 | Actual Doctor's NotesThese are doctors' notes on patients' charts: (Actual notes- unedited!)
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began
seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another
hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband,I thought you might like
to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent
home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.(Ouch!)
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until
she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Rick Bron on 10-Aug-2005 | Glossary of Medical TermsBenign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Leapea Kockin on 10-Aug-2005 | Baby in the cabA man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress,
and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that
there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's in the wrong one.
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by I I. I on 10-Aug-2005 | Complete physicalI was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye
with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a
flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read
the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly
what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Peter A. Gelinas on 14-Aug-2005 | Cuz I got HighI was gonna clean my room until I got high
I gonna get up and find the broom but then I got high
my room is still messed up and I know why (why man?)
- cause I got high, because i got high, because i got high.
da da duh duh da da
I was gonna go to class before I got high
I coulda cheated and I coulda passed but I got high
I am taking it next semester and I know why (why man?)
- cause I got high (repeat 3X)
I was gonna go to work but then I got high
I just got a new promotion but I got high
now I'm selling dope and I know why (why man?)
- cause I got high (repeat 3X)
I was gonna go to court before I got high
I was gonna pay my child support but then I got high
they took my whole paycheck and I know why (why man?)
- cause I got high (repeat 3X)
I wasnt gonna run from the cops but I was high
I was gonna pull right over and stop but I was high
Now I am a paraplegic (and i know why, why man?!)
- because I got high (repeat 3X)
I was gonna pay my car note until I got high
I was gonna gamble on the boat but then I got high
now the tow truck is pulling away and I know why
- because I got high (repeat 3X)
I was gonna make love to you but then I got high
I was gonna eat yo pussy too but then I got high
now I'm jacking off and I know why
- cause I got high (repeat 3X)
I messed up my whole entire life, because I got high
I lost my kids and wife, because I got high
now I'm sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why
- cause I got high (repeat 3X)
I'm gonna stop singing this song because I'm high
I'm singing this whole thing wrong because I'm high
and if I dont sell one copy I know why
- cause I'm high (repeat 3X)
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Justin Andre on 10-Aug-2005 | Going NutsA doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When
the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up
nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After
the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all
broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot
dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in
progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Everything was fine until some guy walked by and
yelled, "PEANUTS!"
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by jalover on 11-Aug-2005 | Doctor's FunniesDoctor's stories-You can't make this stuff up. (Sometimes the truth is funnier than fiction!)
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!
======================================================
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
======================================================
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
======================================================
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with BOTH his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam
=======================================================
And of course, the best is saved for last.... I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly!"
|
3 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Thai on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 15 Euphemisms for Penis Enlargement Surgery15. Genetational pinocchiotomy.
14. Doubling the interest rate on your mutual fun.
13. Peter padding.
12. Plumping the ball park frank.
11. Putting the archbishop on the rack.
10. Puffin' the magic dragon.
9. Supersizing Big Mac.
8. Adding a wing to the sexual addiction clinic.
7. Putting the munchkin on stilts.
6. Trading in the escort for a stretch limo.
5. Getting a Magic Johnson.
4. Preparing to boldly go where no manhood has gone before.
3. Turning crouching tiger into hidden dragon.
2. Upgrading passenger Johnson to first class.
1. Taking the train from Vienna to Frankfurt.
|
4 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by skeeto on 14-Aug-2005 | Crippled WifeA man is at work when he gets a telephone call from a doctor,
the doctor says that his wife has been in a terrible car
accident, and she has been completly crippled. He said that
from now on the husband would have to do everything for her. He
said from now on your going to have to feed her, bathe her,
change her clothes and diapers, your going to have to give her
her medication, your going to have to assist her in going to the
bathroom. The man said thats awful! Then the doctor chuckled.
"Whats so funny?" asked the man. The doctor said "haha i was
just fucking with you.......shes dead!"
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by L H. D on 14-Aug-2005 | Duck vs. DoctorWhat can a duck do that a doctor won't?
Stick his bill up his ass!
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
