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| Posted by josh d. jackson on 14-Aug-2005 | Lawyer and a PlumberA pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaimed, "This
is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!" The plumber
calmly replied, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."
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| Posted by Will F. Murray on 14-Aug-2005 | God & A LawyerQ: What is the difference between God and A lawyer?
A: God doesn't think of himself as a lawyer.
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| Posted by emily n on 14-Aug-2005 | All Buckled InAn airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get
prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer
who is still going around passing out business cards."
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| Posted by Lauren Prescott on 14-Aug-2005 | No LawyersIn Bakersfield, California, developers of the Fairway Oaks community
designed their dream homes to have 5 bedrooms, a Jacuzzi, a backyard large
enough for an in-ground pool, and NO LAWYERS! This made attorney Tim
Liebaert so angry - he's suing. "I was very mad," said Liebaert, after
learning that his application for a new Fairway Oaks home had been
rejected because of his profession.
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| Posted by cUtEeWiTaBoOtY05 on 14-Aug-2005 | Lawyer and a Doctor (Impaired of Hearing)A lawyer and a doctor (both impaired of hearing) were riding a bus in New
York, and here's an excerpt of the conversation they were having:
L: So you mentioned that you sue people all the time?
D: Yes, sewing is part of my job.
L: In that case I can give you my card, I could be useful to you.
D: Sorry we do only livers.
L: But I am alive, dont you think I qualify?
D: But you look fine to me, and I don't see a reason to cut you?
L: Well, I could sue you for saying that. I am kind of sensitive.
D: Where did you learn that, I thought you spend most of your time in
court?
L: That's what they teach us to do in court.
D: So do you have a nurse to assist you?
L: Actually the nerds taught us a lot back in school.
D: I think I really learned something today. My station has arrived, I will
see you again.
L: Perhaps we should switch our jobs, from what I learned today.
D: Didn't I tell you before that we stitch only livers.
L: Do you mean I am dead? Look I am really losing my patience.
D: You are deaf too, well I think then we are friends.
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| Posted by Kathyren M. Williams on 14-Aug-2005 | Why Promise the Truth?In every single sex scandal that there is, in any court case that is, you
always have to promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth. One of them obviously has to be lying, so what's the point?
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| Posted by Critcal Moment on 14-Aug-2005 | Room full of lawyersWhat do you have when you have a room full of lawyers up to
there necks in shit?
ANWSER: Not enough shit!
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| Posted by Sexy Monster on 13-Aug-2005 | The Laywer, the duck and the farmerA big city, Colorado, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"
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| Posted by Bluey Dinosaur on 14-Aug-2005 | Overly JealousThe real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"
The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"
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| Posted by The Purple Lady on 14-Aug-2005 | How About ThatTwo law partners were walking down the street one day and agreed that the
first one to die would come back and help the other from beyond. As it
turned out, the older of the two did in fact die a couple of weeks later
and that left the younger lawyer all alone and very discouraged. He waited
and waited and his partner never showed any signs of contacting him. Then,
after about two months, a friend suggested he go visit a clairvoyant and
maybe receive the help he needed. The younger lawyer summoned up as much
courage as he could and found the address. After walking down a seemingly
never ending set of steps and rapping the brass knocker a couple of times,
the door opened and through a screen of dangling beads, he saw a little
old lady sitting at a table with a crystal ball in front of her. "Can you
help me please?" he said. "My partner just recently died and I would very
much like to get in contact with him." To which the woman responded, "for
50 dollars you can talk to your partner, but he won't be able to talk to
you. For 100 dollars, he will be able to talk to you, but not you to him.
And for 200 dollars, you will both be able to talk to each other while I'm
drinking a glass of water."
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| Posted by Nick N. Markovic on 14-Aug-2005 | Lawyer vs. GigoloWhat's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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| Posted by Diamond D on 14-Aug-2005 | ShameWhat's the definition of a shame?
A bus of lawyers going off a cliff.
What's the definition of a crying shame?
When there's an unfilled seat.
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| Posted by MrTricky61 on 14-Aug-2005 | Difference Between a Lawyer ...What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A rooster awakes each morning ready and willing to cluck
defiance.
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| Posted by Kendr Reneah on 14-Aug-2005 | SkunkWhat did the judge say when the skunk ran into the court room?
Odor in the court!
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| Posted by Rob E. Daynes on 14-Aug-2005 | Lawyers and SharksIf you throw a lawyer into a pool of man-eating, hungry sharks,
why would they not attack him?
Professional courtesy!
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| Posted by Pablo The Spicy Latin on 14-Aug-2005 | Paying BackTwo lawyers are in a bank when a robber runs in with a gun and
tells everyone to hand over their wallets. As the lawyers
comply, one reaches into his wallet and hands the other a fifty
dollar bill.
"What's this?" he asks.
He repies, "It's the fifty dollars I owe you."
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| Posted by RARA on 14-Aug-2005 | Some stories from the american court of Justicelawyer asks question to witness
Q:What happened then?
A:He said "I will kill you, because you may identify me" to me
Q:Did he kill you?
***************************************
Q:Do you have a child or something like that?
A:oh yes.I have one monkey.
***************************************
Q:I show you the third evidence and ask you if you recognize
this picture
A:yes its my picture
Q:were you there while this photo taken?
A:Nooo! I was in Guatemela's independence day festivals
****************************************
Q:Now Mrs. Johnson, How was your first marriage ended?
A:Because of death
Q:For whose because of death
A:because of Guatemela's president death
****************************************
Q:Then you were not there until you return there, is it?
A:yeah, I was here, there in somewhere
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| Posted by Kayne j. Ryan on 14-Aug-2005 | Lawyer vs. VampireWhat's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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| Posted by matt a. conway on 14-Aug-2005 | Birth Control for LawyersWhat do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
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| Posted by desiree on 14-Aug-2005 | Bill of RightsTwo Lawyers are arguing in court one day, and finally, the judge
calls for order. Attorney Smith speaks up and says, "Your honor,
I objected because it's obvious that attourney Jones has never
even heard of the Bill of Rights."
"Oh yeah, Smith? It just so happens I know The Bill of Rights by
heart, word for word!"
"OK then, tell me the first few words, if your so smart.",
replied Smith
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the---"
"Damn you! I didn't think you'd know it.
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| Posted by Big-T Taylor on 14-Aug-2005 | Lawyer vs. HookerWhat is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
The hooker will stop screwing you after you die.
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| Posted by Linda Jackson on 14-Aug-2005 | Best Way to Save a MarriageWhat's the best way to save a marriage?
Go out and price a few divorce lawyers!
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| Posted by Joke 'O' Joke on 14-Aug-2005 | VampireWhy didn't the vampire bite the lawyer?
Proffesional courtesy!
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| Posted by Tanya N. Boyce on 14-Aug-2005 | New Jersey Landfills vs. California LawyersWhy does New Jersey have more landfills, and California have more lawyers?
New Jersey had first pick.
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| Posted by Kurht R. Engle on 14-Aug-2005 | Garbage CanWhen a lawyer dies how come he has only 2 pall bearers?
There are only 2 handles on a garbage can.
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| Posted by bob b. bobs on 14-Aug-2005 | Viagra to an AttorneyWhat happens when you give an attorney Viagra?
He just gets taller.
(to the lady attorneys receiving this, our apologies for the sexism)
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| Posted by Pranav D. Kotwal on 14-Aug-2005 | Three lawyer one-linersSanta Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an
old drunk are walking down the street together when
they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Q: Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.
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| Posted by Jimbo Bimbo on 14-Aug-2005 | Lying lawyerQ: How do you know when a lawyer is lying?
A: When his lips are moving!
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| Posted by Crazy Girl on 14-Aug-2005 | Lawyers and WhoresHow are lawyers like whores?
They both get paid to screw people.
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| Posted by mandy on 14-Aug-2005 | DrivewayHow many lawyers does it take to pave a driveway?
It depends how thin you slice them!
what do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the hudson river?
A good start!!
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