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| Posted by Dana K. Kam on 11-Aug-2005 | An Ocean of BeerTwo Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
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| Posted by Karen E. Smith on 11-Aug-2005 | The Genie and the Old Lady.A poor,old woman sat there on her rocking chair on her porch,reflecting back on her long life. She then spots something on the garden path.She hobbles over to it bends down and groans in pain from a sore back.She picks up the bottle and hobbles back to her rocking chair.She gives the bottle a rub and:
POOF!
A Genie apears and says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle of which I have been trapped for thousands of years!I grant you three wishes.
The Old Woman thought.There was so many things she could wish for!She says"For my first wish,I wish to be a young and beautiful woman again with my life ahead of me!"
The Genie puts a mirror infront of the Old Woman and claps his hands.Suddenly,she watches her body begin to change in the mirror.Her skin tightens and her wrinkles dissapear.Her old figure becomes a new curvy one.Her hair turns from grey to black and lenghthens so it is long.She suddenly feels as if her chest is about to burst out of the top of her dress!She watches as her stomach goes flatter and her legs grow longer.Then the rest of the changes occur.
"Hey Presto" says the Genie."You are a beautiful young woman!"
The young woman stares in the mirror at her new lavashing beauty and youth and says"Wow this is really exciting!,I look like I'm 24 again!"
The Genie says"Your second wish?"
The young beauty says"All my life I have been poor, please,I wish to be the richest person this universe has seen!"
The Genie claps his hands and the woman watches as her tiny cottage proceeds to grow into the biggest mansion the world has ever seen.The small garden grows until it is massive with big blooming flowers and fountains and right in the middle of the garden there is a 20ft statue of the woman surrounded by fountains.On a driveway she sees that she has three limos each a chauffuer standing next to each one.She goes inside her mansion with the Genie and sees certificates like how she owns Hollywood and bought Microsoft off of Bill Gates!She looks on a table and sees her bank balance.It comes to a total of 6 billion trillion dollars.She notices servants and butlers buzzing about the house.
"Hey Presto!"says the Genie."Your are the richest woman this universe!"
The young woman sits down on a chair which was hand made by Leonardo Da Vinci."Wow",she says"Now that I am beautiful and rich,i suppose that I will have men that only love me for my money and not for who I am."
Just then the woman's cat wanders into the room."This cat has been my lifelong friend.For my third wish,I wish that this cat turn into the most handsome young man on Earth who loves me to bitsfor what I am."
The Genie claps his hands and dissapears.
Suddenly the old cat turns into the most handsome man on the planet.He has jet black hair and a athletic body with rippling muscles.The woman stares at him, smitten.He walks over to her and her legs go weak.He rubs his hand along her body and stokes her hair.Then he whispers into her ear"I bet your sory now for taking me to the vet and having my d**k cut off"!
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| Posted by ammooni on 11-Aug-2005 | Quail Pointing MuleA car drives up to a farmer's house, a man gets out, knocks on the door, and the farmer opens it. "A friend told me you have a mule that points quail", said the stranger, "is that true"?? "Sure is", said the farmer, "would you like to see him work?" The strangers said, "Sure". Soon they were walking through a field, when the mule suddenly stopped and struck a beautiful point. The farmer walks ahead of the mule and scares up a big covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times...the mule points...the farmer scares up the covey. Finally, the stranger says, "That's enough, I've got to have that mule". "He ain't for sale", said the farmer. I'll give you $50,000.00 for him", said the stranger. Well, the farmer couldn't refuse such a big offer, so he sold him. The next night, the farmer's phone rang...it was the stranger. "What the hell's wrong with this damed mule you sold me?", he screamed..."all he's done all day is stand belly deep in my pond"!! "Well", said the farmer, "I guess I should'a told you......he'd rather fish than hunt."
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| Posted by Donaldo A. Lopez on 11-Aug-2005 | Genie at the BarOne night a guy walked into a bar and sat down next to this guy. He looks over and sees that he has a little piano player playing beautiful music! He asks "where did you get that?" The other guy replies "See that guy at the end of the bar? He's a geinie, and he'll grant you a wish!" So the guy calls over to the geinie for a thousand bucks. POOF! All of a sudden a thousand DUCKS flew into the bar. So the guy says to the other guy with the little piano player "I think he has a hearing problem" The guy exclaimed "Do you think I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST?!?"
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| Posted by Sophie Van Insberghe on 11-Aug-2005 | Government EmployeeA United State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Coke right now!" He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.
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| Posted by Amanda S. Fletcher on 11-Aug-2005 | Ostrich in a BarA man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer", and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch", says the man.
"Same for me", says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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| Posted by Misy on 11-Aug-2005 | The huntersA couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ?§My friend is dead! What can I do??? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ?§Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.?? There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: ok, now what?
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