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| Posted by kenzie on 11-Aug-2005 | Smart BullOnce ther was an insurance saleman from the city going out to the farm community to sell insurance to the farmers. He was way out in the country when he had engine trouble. Not knowing anything about cars he gets out and looks under the hood anyway.
All of a sudden he hears a voice that says " Its the carborator "
The insurance man jumps , and looks around, seeing no one . He then looks under the hood again hoping it is something visible that he could fix himself, when he hears the voice again " Its the carborator "
The man jumps again and turns around only seeing a large Brahma bull behind him. Scared out of his wits he takes off running to the nearest farm house he can see.
He knocks on the door, the farmer answers, the man immediately goes into his speal about the bull.
The farmer scratches his head and says " Does he have one straight ear and one floppy ear? "
The man nods "Yes, Yes ".
The farmer laughs and says " Don't worry about him he doesn't know as much about cars as he thinks he does"
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| Posted by joe momma on 11-Aug-2005 | Smart FarmerA farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads "WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!
The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
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| Posted by Daniel R. Perrault on 11-Aug-2005 | Stuck in the MudA husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,"When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
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| Posted by Mat Weber on 11-Aug-2005 | The AggieA Texas Aggie and a farmer were walking through the farmer's field one sunny afternoon when they came upon a sheep with his head stuck through the fence, unable to extricate itself.
"Look at that poor sheep, he's stuck!" commented the Aggie.
"No he's not", said the farmer, " his head is caught in the fence for a reason."
"What reason?" asked the Aggie.
"Well, let me show you" said the farmer and promptly pulled down his pants and began to have furious sex with the sheep.
When he was finished the farmer further explained "We stick their heads through the fence so they can't get away."
The aggie responds by saying, "I see. Well, that looks really fun!"
The farmer says, "Would you like to try?"
The aggie responds with "I sure would!" and promptly sticks his head though the fence.
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| Posted by Imfuktup Man on 11-Aug-2005 | The Farmer's DaughterThere was a men who is lost in a forest during a storm. He came to a house and knocked on the door.
A farmer came out and asked, "what the hell do you want?"
The man asked, "Could I spend a night here?"
"Sure, but you can't touch my daughter."
So the man was sleeping that night, when the daughter came in. And that night, they did it. The next night, they did it, too. The next night, they did it, again.
Until one night, the daughter said to the man, "I am tired of doing it in your room."
So the man went to the daughter's room and did it. The next night, they did it The next night, they did it, too The next night, they did it again.
They have done it in every single room in the house EXECPT the father's room.
So one night they decided to go to the father's room and do it. When they went in, the father has fallen deep into sleep.
The man asked, "what the hell is that hairy thing in his bed?"
The daughter said, "it's his hairy ass"
So the man and the daughter were doing it in his room for 2 weeks and they loved it.
But unfortunatly, one day, the father came to the man and go, "we need to talk."
"What, I didn't have sex with your daughter!"
"I will tell you the truth, I don't care if you have sex with my daughter anymore, just don't use my hairy ass as a score board!
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| Posted by Bess on 11-Aug-2005 | Duck HunterA duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards.
Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.
As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.
"Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!"
"Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck."
"No! No! You don't understand!, shouts the hunter, "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!"
"Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer.
"Country way? What's that?" says the hunter.
"We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck.... That is, unless you're Yella."
"Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter.
"Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first."
With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly pass out.
After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn!
The farmer reply: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."
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| Posted by Michael Cross on 11-Aug-2005 | W..O..M..B..Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."
The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
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| Posted by ~SwEeT*HeArT~ on 11-Aug-2005 | Why New Yorkers Are Not RanchersA New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
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| Posted by Nicolette D. Milano on 13-Aug-2005 | WISDOM: '...A Cowboy's Guide To Life''Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life'
by Texas Bix Bender
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Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.
The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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| Posted by NIMRA on 13-Aug-2005 | Encounter in a Texas BarA Texan was having a drink at a bar with an old friend when he noticed a attractive and chesty young lady seated at the bar eating a hamburger.
As he held eye contact with her, she swallowed a bite and it must have gone down the wrong pipe for she began choking.
She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.
The Texan said to his friend, 'That there gal is having a bad time!'
The other agreed and said, 'Think we should go help?'
'You bet,' and with that he ran over and said, 'Can you breathe????' She shook her head no. He said, 'Can you speak??' She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.
So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
Smiling to his friend, the Texan said, 'Funny how that Hind Lick maneuver always works'
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