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| Posted by vanderherten Danny on 14-Aug-2005 | Math HomeworkLittle Johny was at home doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three
plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." In that moment, his
mother comes in and hears what he is saying. "Johny, what are
you doing?! Why are you saying that?" Little Johny answered,
"I'm doing my math homework." She said, "And is that what your
teacher taught you?" He replied, "Yes"
The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is
receiving, goes to Little Johny's school to talk to the teacher.
The mother said to his math teacher, "I would like to know what
you are teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right
now, we are learning addition problems."
Little Johny's mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say
two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" When the teacher
stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I taught them
was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."
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| Posted by Nat_leauk on 14-Aug-2005 | Class DismissedA professor at MIT was demonstrating how to build a charge of static
electricity. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in
the other, he told the class "You can see what a big charge I get by
rubbing my rod." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
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| Posted by kristin n. marek on 14-Aug-2005 | Final Exams-Top 50 Fun Things to Do:1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say, "oh geez, better get cracking," and do
some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre,
I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start
talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this.
I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal?
And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume
at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting
way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to
answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my
religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I
have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the
papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell
out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another
copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this
process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the
exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know
one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman
numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor
to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move
to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you
walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB.BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy)
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light
bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up
to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30
minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the
phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing
loudly, say, "you don't really expect me to waste my time on
this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest
proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword
and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise
you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment, "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next
to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams,
etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say, "it helps me think." Bring a copy of
the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to
find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't
forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks."
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| Posted by Wild Lietz on 14-Aug-2005 | Use "Beautiful" in a SentenceLittle Johnny's teacher asks the class if anyone can use the
word "beautiful" in a sentence. Little Johnny starts waving his
hand in the air immediately.
The teacher calls on little Mary. Little Mary says, "The sunset
last night was beautiful." "Wonderful", says the teacher. Next
she calls on little Susie.
Little Susie says, "There are some beautiful flowers in front of
the school." "Terrific, little Susie", says the teacher.
Finally she calls on Johnny. Little Johnny says, "My sister's
got beautiful tits!" "Johnny!!!", says the teacher in shock.
"You can't...how could you...that's not the sort of thing...you
have to be punished! Tonight you have to think up a sentence
using the word "beautiful" in it twice and tomorrow morning
you'll tell it to the whole class."
The next morning she makes Johnny come up to the front of the
class to recite his sentence. Little Johnny says, "Last night my
sister told daddy she was pregnant and daddy said, "Beautiful,
just fuckin' beautiful.""
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| Posted by Christ on 14-Aug-2005 | Urinate...A Third Grade teacher asks her class to use a three syllable
word in a sentance. Three students raise their hands... the
third one was dirty Johnny. The teacher ignores his waving hand
and calls on Sally.
"Beautiful," Sally says. "My teacher is beautiful!" "Why, thank
you Sally," the teacher laughs. "Anyone else?"
Again three students raise their hands including dirty Johnny,
and once again the teacher ignores his hand. She calls on Darcy.
"Wonderful. My teacher is wonderful!" Once again the teacher
thanks her little students and asks for more hands.
This time the only hand raised is little Johnny's. So the
teacher reluctantly calls on him. "Urinate," yells Johnny.
"Johnny!," says the teacher, "That was very rude!" "Urinate, but
if your tits were bigger you'd be a ten!"
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| Posted by Ben J. Schroeder on 14-Aug-2005 | You Might Be a College Student If...1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic
Cups (i.e. Olympic Dream Team I or II).
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up
(one trip).
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce
yourself.
13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
15. If you go to Walmart more than 3 times a week.
16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it sucks.
17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class.
19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.
20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class.
21. If your social life consists of a date with the library.
22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.
23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.
24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's
all you have.
25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit
to class.
26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.
27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter.
28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women.
(whichever your preference)
30. If you have built up a tolerence for certain beverages.(he he he)
31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.
32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.
33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room.
34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen
Noodles.
35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.
36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.
37. If you get more e-mail than mail......
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| Posted by kornyhiv ripper on 14-Aug-2005 | Life HappensThe children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or that's
Michael; he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; she's dead."
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| Posted by skitzo frenic on 14-Aug-2005 | Buy your gradeA professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He
handed out all the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once
the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The
professor noticed one of his students had attached a $100 bill
to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next
class the professor handed the tests back out. The student got
back his test and the $64 change.
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| Posted by Guylaine Castro on 14-Aug-2005 | Do Anything To Pass ExamA student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances
down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly, "I would do
anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully
into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would
do...anything!!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Yes,... Anything!" His voice
turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
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| Posted by Philip Hadfield on 14-Aug-2005 | How Johnny Learned His NumbersThe teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said.
"I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after
ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.
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