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| Posted by Sexy_Baby on 14-Aug-2005 | Life SaverA teacher liked to play guessing games with her students to
enhance some of their senses. One day she blindfolded several
children and handed each of them a cherry lifesaver.
"Ok, who can tell me what the flavor is?" she asked.
Susie yelled "Me, me, me!", waving her arm in the air.
"Ok, Susie, go ahead." said the teacher.
"It's cherry!" Susie said proudly.
"That's right, very good, Susie." the teacher replied.
Next the teacher passed out orange flavored lifesavers, and
asked again who could tell her the flavor.
Billy waved his arm and said "I can! I can!"
Billy correctly identified the flavor, and the teacher passed
out another lifesaver to each child.
This time she had them stumped. She had found an unusual honey
flavored lifesaver and decided to see if anyone could guess it.
"Can anyone guess the flavor of this lifesaver?"
When nobody answered after a couple of minutes, she said "Ok,
class, I will give you a hint....it's what your mommy calls your
daddy."
This time Lil JOhnny jumped up and yelled, "Everybody! Quick,
spit it out! It's an asshole!"
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| Posted by Michael Jackson on 14-Aug-2005 | NegativesA linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English,"
he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though,
such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is
no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from
the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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| Posted by Faz on 14-Aug-2005 | Explaining sexA little boy and his father were walking through a field when
the came across two dogs doing the nasty. The boy, very curious
about what was happening, turned to his father and asked him
what they were doing. The father, trying to make his answer as
subtle as possible replied, "They are making puppies."
Later that night the little boy awoke from his sleep and wanted
a drink of water. He walked over to his parents room and caught
them screwing. The boy, not knowing what was happening, asked
his father what they were doing. The father replied, "We are
making you a little brother." To this the boy said, "Turn mom
over, I'd rather have a puppy!"
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| Posted by Peter B. Wilson on 14-Aug-2005 | What My Mom Taught MeMy Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and
break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your
spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think
that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you
thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat
your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your
father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were
born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to
be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your
father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it
when we get home."
and the all time favorite thing--JUSTICE "One day you will have
kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see
what it's like."
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| Posted by Jonathan D. Oneand on 14-Aug-2005 | Rejected Childrens Book Titles1. Some Kittens Can Fly
2. That's It, I'm Putting You up For Adoption
3. Grandpa Gets a Casket
4. The Magic World Inside An Abandoned Refrigerator
5. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
6. The Popup Book Of Human Anatomy
7. Strangers Have The Best Candy
8. Whining, Crying, And Kicking To Get Your Way
9. You Were An Accident
10. Things Rich Kids Have But you Never Will
11. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and your School
12. Places Where Mommy And Daddy Hide Neat Things
13. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
14. You Are Different And That's Bad
15. The Boy Who Died From Eating All Of His Vegetables
16. Dads New Wife Robert
17. Fun Four Letter Words To Know And Share
18. Hammers, Screwdrivers And Scissors: An I Can Do It All Book
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| Posted by Polly Esther Fabrique on 14-Aug-2005 | Michigan JokesIt is Michigan week...here we go...
A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan
cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read "Here lies a
Michigan graduate and an honest man." The little boy asked,
"Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"
Coach Lloyd Carr is only dressing 10 players for the Michigan
game against Ohio State. The rest of the team will get dressed
by themselves.
Q: How do you get a Michigan cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Q: What are the longest 3 years of a Michigan football player's
life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did Michigan replace the stadium grass with Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
Q: How do you get a Michigan graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza
Q: What does the average University of Michigan football player
get on his S.A.T.?
A: Drool.
Q: Why are there no Nativity scenes on the Michigan University
campus at Christmas?
A: Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.
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| Posted by Meg B on 14-Aug-2005 | Final ExamTwo college football players were taking an important final
exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and
not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The
exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old
MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he
needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure
the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't
noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a
farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2
pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.
Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how
do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E
-I-E-I-O."
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| Posted by flameb0y on 14-Aug-2005 | When Lincoln Was Your AgeA father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was
studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
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| Posted by Raynman M on 14-Aug-2005 | Cabby Ride in New YorkA mother and daughter were riding in a cab through New York City
when the daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on
a street corner. "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all
those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work," the
mother replied.
"C'mon, lady," the cabbie interjected, "tell her the truth.
They're hookers!"
After a stunned silence, the daughter piped up, "Mommy, do
hookers have children?"
"Of course," the mother replied. "Where do you think cabbies
came from?"
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| Posted by Patrick Reyes on 14-Aug-2005 | The Professor's BrainDuring one of a professer's routine classes, he decided to raise
a controversial subject:
He stood in front of his class and said: "Can anyone hear God?
Can anyone see God? Can anyone smell God?" After a long pause,
the professor concluded: "Because none of you can hear, see, or
smell God, I conclude that there is no God."
Not to be outdone, one particularly potent student stood up.
"May I address the class directly?" he asked.
"Yes, you may," the professor replied.
The student went to the front of the class and began: "Can
anyone hear the professor's brain? Can anyone see the
professor's brain? Can anyone smell the professor's brain?"
After a particularly uneasy and long pause, the student
finished: "Because none of you can hear, see, or smell the
professor's brain, I conclude that the professor has no brain."
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