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| Posted by J S. M on 14-Aug-2005 | BroomA young Southern peasant girl of 15 went to work in a broom
factory. After 3 months she gave the boss a 2-week notice. The
boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was a good worker.
Upon calling her into his office: "But why?" he asked.
"Oh nothin, I just wanna quit." she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a $3.00 raise."
"No," she said.
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know ..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look, I haven't had
this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you ..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and
showed his, and said, "Ha, ha ... my dear, it's nature. Look, I
have it, too ..."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit NOW!
Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle
as well."
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| Posted by c@t on 14-Aug-2005 | Stupid, Stupid, STUPID!And for the Main Course
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46
teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a
police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead
and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find
his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked
to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his
skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire
in to try and find the missing brain.
Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight
to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space
travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid
the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a
Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible
Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the
views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe
that the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars.
Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed
his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are
too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen
another field, all this may not have happened."
And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked
each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your
money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
...Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was
seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike
Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police
have the man's charred trousers in custody.
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted.
"This is her husband!"
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he
uses for a knife?
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| Posted by cony on 14-Aug-2005 | Trucker Driver & BikersAt a truck stop off I-40 in Arkansas about 2 o'clock in the
morning, a trucker was having a cup of coffee and a piece of pie
and was romancing the solitary waitress there.
All of a sudden, three mean looking bikers came in. They
observed the connection between the waitress and the trucker and
started to make nasty and suggestive remarks trying to get the
trucker to start something. But the trucker didn't say anything,
just paid his bill and walked out.
One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Looks like your
boyfriend ain't much of a man." The waitress just leaned on the
cash register and looked out the window and said, "Yeah, and he
ain't much of a trucker either. He just ran his semi over three
motorcycles."
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| Posted by Dennis's on 14-Aug-2005 | Pilot's AnnouncementIn a commercial flight, the captain announces that there is
turbulence and that the passengers should buckle their
seatbelts. After the announcement, he turns to his co-pilot and
says, "I sure could use a nice cup of coffee and a blow-job
right about now," not realizing that the intercom is still on.
A stewardess dashes up the aisle to tell him that the intercom
was on. Just before she reaches the doorway, a guy in back
yells, "Hey babe, don't forget the coffee!"
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| Posted by Fudge C. Muffin on 14-Aug-2005 | Drink Jet FuelBud and Jim are airline mechanics in Atlanta. One slow work day
Bud complained they had nothing to drink. Jim said he had heard
that you could drink jet fuel to get a buzz and they decided to
try it. After only a few drinks they were both wasted. The next
morning Bud woke up and felt great, no hangover, nothing! The
phone rang and it was Jim:
Jim: How you feel this morning?
Bud: Great, and you?
Jim: I feel fine too!
Bud: Man we gotta try this stuff again!
Jim: Well, tthere is one problem.
Bud: What is it?
Jim: Have you farted yet?
Bud: No.
Jim: Don't!!! 'Cause I'm in Phoenix!!!!
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| Posted by Cronic U. Bobinstein on 14-Aug-2005 | Last NameThe manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told
him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first
thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a
namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone
by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a
breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last
name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be
referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that
straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
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| Posted by Warlock Z on 14-Aug-2005 | Hot ShotA young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just
rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the
hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around
and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
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| Posted by DJ on 14-Aug-2005 | Work ThoughtsThings You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't...
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn
off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks
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| Posted by WhlteFlre on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Signs of Job Burn-Out10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately
scream, "Stop asking me all these damn questions!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.
7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to
sleep because you just don't care.
6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through
Monday.
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager
will go off before your alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.
And the number one sign that you are burned out because of
work...
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail
right now.
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| Posted by Ben Driediger on 14-Aug-2005 | How the rich stay richBefore going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce
to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an
immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well,
then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The
loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's
underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him
$5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's
doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the
loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk
away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found
out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need
to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
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