|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by NoraLora on 14-Aug-2005 | Blind PilotsOn a plane going from Perth to Sydney all the passengers are on
board and the crew are checking that everone is wearing their
seatbelts. But the pilot and co-pilot are not on the plane yet
as everyone can see through the door into the cockpit. Finally
the pilot and co-pilot step on the plane. The pilot is holding
onto a leash that restrains a seeing-eye labrador and the
co-pilot is holding a white cane which he is tapping on the
ground. Both men are wearing thick black glasses. The passengers
laugh nervously, Surely this must be a joke they think as the
pilots walk into the cockpit. the plane begins to run down the
runway. At the end of the runway there is a large lake. The
plane is already half way down the runway and the plane still
hasn't taken off. The passengers begin screaming loudly. Surely
the plane will fall right into the lake. Then the plane takes
off into the air. In the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot
and says.
Co-pilot- Frank, one of these days the passengers are going to
scream too late and then we'll all die.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by regina on 14-Aug-2005 | What Guys Think Girls Should Know1.. We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.
2.. No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole.
3.. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4.. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5.. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
6.. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're
going out with you.
7.. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8.. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us
it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9.. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that
our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10.. We never shave our legs. Get over it.
11.. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.
12.. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will
tell us, if you don't.
13.. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
14.. We absolutely do not care about, The Backstreet Boys,
*NSYNC, 98 degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that
matter.
15.. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but
at least we can stand up and go pee.
16.. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that
you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17.. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it
would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like
to know that you love us.
18.. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the
plans sometimes.
19.. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you
might just get what you wish for.
20.. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say."
21.. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and
laugh when we believe you.
22.. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like
yours better anyway.
23.. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a
relationship
24.. PMS is not an excuse.
25.. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you
should put it up when you're done.
26.. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't
turn us on.
27.. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his
stomach.....and maybe....oh nevermind.
28.. And last but not least: We know you're not always right,
but we'll pretend like you are anyway.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Amy E. Allendorf on 14-Aug-2005 | Damn fish!A man was selling goods on a market...
Man: Dam fish, get your dam fish!
Vicar: There's no need for language like that, why are you
calling it damn fish, my son?
Man: It was caught in a dam.
Vicar: Oh, that's OK then, I'll have some please.
The vicar goes home to his wife...
Vicar: Cook this dam fish.
Wife: How dare you talk like that, you're a vicar!
Vicar: No, you don't understand, it was caught in a dam.
Wife: Oh! OK.
The wife cooks the fish and half an hour later, they are sitting
down to dinner with their son...
Vicar: Pass the dam fish please, son.
Son: That's the spirit, dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!
( I apologise for the unfunniness of this joke, it was told to
me by a friend who insisted I put it on this website!)
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Penguin66 on 14-Aug-2005 | expensive barbieA guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown Cleveland
and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie
dolls? My daughter's birthday is today and I have to get
something she will love!"
She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have:
*Fashion Barbie @ $15.95
*Vacation Barbie @ $15.95
*Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and
*Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment,"Why is "Divorcee Barbie so much?
She looks the same to me."
The assistant answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes
complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's golf clubs, his
season tickets to the Tribe and the Browns, his Gold MasterCard,
his yacht and his summer home."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by skitzo frenic on 14-Aug-2005 | Another Elevator JokeA man and a woman are in an elevator. As the doors close, the
woman takes off all of her clothes and says, "Make me fell like
a woman." Then the man smiles, takes off his clothes, and says
"Here, fold these."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by dantheman on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 words that dont exist but should10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of
confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it,
assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering
for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the
room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the
rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling
the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has
to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if
they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of
always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it
up, even when you're only six inches away.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Diana Shalmi on 14-Aug-2005 | Midget in a toiletStanding at a urinal, a man notices he's being watched by a
midget. Although the short man is staring at him intently, the
man doesn't feel uncomfortable until the midget drags a small
stepladder over to him, climbs it and proceeds to stare at the
mans balls at close range.
"Wow!" says the midget, "those are the nicest balls I've ever
seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget but starts to
walk away. But the dwarf stops him.
"Listen, I know this is a strange request, but can I touch your
balls?"
"Erm. I suppose theres no harm in it" says the man.
Quickly the midget reaches out and grabs the guys balls tightly
and shouts "Hand over the wallet or I jump...!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by bubbles_flower on 14-Aug-2005 | jokeThe Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by
themselves.The lad asked, "What is this, father?"The father
(having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what
it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an
old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.The walls
opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman
stepped out.The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go
get your mother."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Pat Kingsley on 14-Aug-2005 | Tickles for Your Funny Bone1. Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 chilldren
are enough.
2. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling
alleys.
3. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
4. I am a nobody,nobody is perfect,therefore I am perfect!
5. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!
6. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put up a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
7. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come we see so many
dead rabbits on the highway?
8. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50
for Miss America?
9. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes,
and lottery tickets are alwyas complaining about being broke and
not feeling well?
10. On my first day of school my parents dropped my off at the
wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Chris Rinchik on 14-Aug-2005 | 15 Ways to Be Annoying1. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it
will take until your free refills cost money.
2. If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3. Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and
tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."
4. When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't
let him in! He's the killer!"
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson
how often you should walk it.
6. When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it
this time."
7. Beep when a large person backs up.
8. Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about
the "little men."
9. Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
10. Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11. Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full,
then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19
seconds.
12. When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw
desperately at the roof of the car.
13. Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room
because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14. While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash
noises.
15. Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove
your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
