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| Posted by Mr Leafy on 08-Aug-2005 | Pregnant LadyOne day a pregnant lady that was expecting triplets was walking through a gangster neighborhood, and was shot three times. When she went to the emergency room, the doctor said that she would live, but that the kids might experience complications as they got older.
Ten years later, the first kid came running down the stairs and said, "Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!"
A day or so later, the second kid came running down the stairs and said, "Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!"
The third kid come down the stairs and said, "Mommy Mommy! Guess what?"
She said, "Let me guess... You pooped a bullet?"
He said, "No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog."
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| Posted by todd pernerowski on 08-Aug-2005 | StutteringOne day a man went to the doctor's office with a stuttering problem.
"Hhhey dddocc, ccann yoou hhhelp mmmee wwwithh mmmmy st-st-uttering ppproblem?"
The doc replied, "Sure. Sit down."
The doctor then examined the man and in a low voice he told the man, "Your penis is so bit that the sheer weight of it is pulling on your vocal cords, and therefore causing you to stutter."
"Iiss ttthere aaannnyytthing tthat yyou ccan dddooo ttoo ffixxx iiit?", asked the man.
"I can surgically remove about 8 inches," replied the doctor.
The guy said, "Ddddoo wwhattever yyyou ccan tto hheelp mmme bbbeeccaauusse tthhis ststutterinngg iiss ddrrivviinngg mmee ccrrazzyy."
So the doc goes through with the opperation, and his stuttering stops. Two months later, the man comes back to the doctor's office with a question.
"Hey doc, the operation helped my stuttering, but my sex life sucks. Can you reverse the operation?"
The doc replies, "Fffforrrggettt itttt!"
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| Posted by Mini Me on 08-Aug-2005 | Yellow or WhiteWhy is cum white and urine yellow?
So you can tell if you're coming or going!
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| Posted by Ryan Warden on 08-Aug-2005 | Drug storeA guy goes to the drug store and asked for 99 condoms. The guy at the counter said, "Fuck me, that's a lot of condoms!"
The guy buying them said, "In that case, better make it 100."
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| Posted by Meggi-Poo on 08-Aug-2005 | the dadthis lady walks in the dentist and said is this gonna hurt and the dentist said "no its just a screw.
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| Posted by Cool Beans Girl on 09-Aug-2005 | What should I do then?Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?
Doctor: Sell!
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| Posted by Luis F. Tefonse on 09-Aug-2005 | I would like to havea second opinionA patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
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| Posted by Samantha kicks arse on 09-Aug-2005 | Would you please do me a favor?A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
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| Posted by robert battle on 09-Aug-2005 | I want to lose some weightA man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
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| Posted by Nymph on 09-Aug-2005 | We need to help these peopleA doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
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| Posted by Kia on 09-Aug-2005 | Preventive medicine beliefMary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
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| Posted by roderick brown on 09-Aug-2005 | A man with a glass eye is here to see youNurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
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| Posted by BRADY COLLINS on 09-Aug-2005 | Bad temper problemPatient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
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| Posted by cian moloney on 09-Aug-2005 | Get me an ambulence nowA man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.
Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
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| Posted by Bobby Reaves on 09-Aug-2005 | We are the best of friendsThe patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
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| Posted by christopher nehme on 09-Aug-2005 | The results of the X-rayPatient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Absolutely nothing!
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| Posted by Mike T. Bokinskie on 09-Aug-2005 | Doctor! I swallowed a pillow!Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
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| Posted by fLy gIrL on 09-Aug-2005 | I have bad and very bad newsDoctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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| Posted by lilgreen on 09-Aug-2005 | Did you ever have this before?Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again!
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| Posted by Aimeekat on 09-Aug-2005 | Does it hurt when you do this?Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, don't do that.
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| Posted by Teresa Adams on 09-Aug-2005 | Problems rememberingPatient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?A variationDoctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?
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| Posted by Christopher J. Sando on 09-Aug-2005 | The bad and the worse newsA man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!
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| Posted by Jason M. Javens on 09-Aug-2005 | People are ignoring meA patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!
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| Posted by Glor on 09-Aug-2005 | Will this operation hurt me at all?Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
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| Posted by jordan on 09-Aug-2005 | What should I do then?Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?
Doctor: Sell!
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| Posted by bob d. mackland on 09-Aug-2005 | My wife is beating meDavid: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!
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| Posted by Tina S. Coleman on 09-Aug-2005 | Did you take the patient's temperature?Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?
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| Posted by Rae211 on 09-Aug-2005 | I think I need a pair of glassesPatient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
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| Posted by S J on 09-Aug-2005 | Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease5. You never have to watch reruns on television.
4. You are always meeting new people.
3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.
2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
1. Mysteries are always interesting.
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| Posted by Jimbo Bimbo on 09-Aug-2005 | I can't find the cause of your painAs the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
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