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| Posted by Christ on 14-Aug-2005 | Welsh FarmerA hiker is walking through the fields of Wales when he sees a
Welsh farmer holding a sheep. The sheep seems to be in some
distress so the hiker wanders over to the farmer to enquire what
he is doing. "Are you shearing?" asks the man "No, get your
own!!!" came the reply.
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| Posted by Robert L. Gianferante on 14-Aug-2005 | how to confuse a irishmanhow do you confuse a irishman?
put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick!
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| Posted by Erica Campbell on 14-Aug-2005 | Sandwhich?One day, an English man, a Scott and an Irish man were working
on the top of a skyscraper, which was under construction. And as
they always do, at 1:30pm sharp, the hear the wistle for the
lunch hour, and get out their lunch boxes.
The English man sits next to the Scott and the Irish man and
opens his lunch box. He starts to complain, "Not again! I hate
it when i get peanut butter sandwiches!" The Scott then said,
"At least you didn't get marmite on yours!" The Irish man
disgustingly remarks his lunch "Tuna! I hate tune, and I'm
allergic." So the trio complain with themselves until the end of
the lunch hour, then get back to the work on the construction.
The next day at 1:30pm. The English man sadly says "Dammit! Not
again! Peanut butter, ugh! If i get peanut butter again I'll
kill myself!" The Scott just as horrified, "God almighty, its
sick! I honestly hate marmite, I think i'll join you if I get
this rubbish again!" he says to the English man. The Irish man
eager to quote hes lunch says "Mother of Earth! Not more tuna! I
hate the stuff. I just might join you two if I get the same
tomorrow!"
The next day, at 1:30pm. The English man opens his lunch box,
"OH MY GOD! That's it, it's peanut butter and i'm jumpin off!"
True to his word the sorry gimp jumped off the edge of the beam.
Now the Scott looks at the Irish man and says "do you really
think that I'm gonna live with this rubbish?! its marmite
again!" and without hesitation the poor flim head jumps afta the
English man. Now the Irish man, all alone thinks to himself,
"Please don't be tuna," and he opens his lunch box , low and
behold... tuna sandwiches. "On my mothers grave, why me!? It's
tuna again!" and he thinks for a second and then the stupid
paddy jumps after the two before him.
At their funeral, the widows all gather together and talk about
what had happened. The English mans wife sobs to the others, "IF
only I knew he hated peabut butter sandwiches, i wish he would
ahve told me." Now the Scotts wife upsettingly says, "I wish
that he had told me that he hated marmite, he never complained,
he was so kind." Now the Irish mans wife was just standing with
the other widows, very confused, "I have no idea why my husband
killed himself? He knows he makes his own sandwiches!?"
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| Posted by jarmo two on 14-Aug-2005 | SlipperyIt is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian
competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a
slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without
any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States
5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and
stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets
the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the
Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses
the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more
satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States
5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old
donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches
the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts
bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips
again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling
over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and
bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States
0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,
"How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!" To which the Irish
judge replies, "You've gotta remember, it's damn slippery out
there."
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| Posted by Smart Fool on 14-Aug-2005 | Irish Wedding vs. Irish FuneralWhat's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish
funeral?
There's one less drunk at the funeral.
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| Posted by Mary on 14-Aug-2005 | Haunted BathroomOne day, an English man, a Scott and an Irish man were waiting
to go to the toilet. The first one to enter the bathroom was the
English man. He was just about to do his buisness when all of a
sudden he froze. He had heard a voice, a chilling, spinetingling
whisper. He then looked around and saw no body. By now he had
already lost concentration of where he was aiming for and wet
himself. But he was to scared to move. He then heard it again,
he heard it more clearly this time. It said "I'm going to rip
your legs off and eat you!".
by this time the English man had ran and jumped out of the open
window and landed on the ground outside, dead! He had fallen 20
ft out of an apartment building.
Next the Scott couldn't wait any longer and came in after the
Emglish man. But found nothing. He was ready to do his buisness
when he to heard a voice. He thought it was the English man in
one of the cubicles, but when he searched he found no-one. he
then countinued relieving himself until again he heard the
voice. He was now scared stiff as he could see no one and could
here some one. The voice was saying, "I'm going to rip off your
arms and your legs and eat you." And with all the Scotts
wisdom... he jumped out the window.
Now the Irish man, as stupid as he may be, decided to
investigate what was going on. He went inside the door and
straight away he coudl feel a presence in the room with him. he
then began to search the bathroom from top till bottom until he
heard the voice. It said, "I'm going to rip off your arms, your
legs and your head, then i'm goin to eat you!" the Irish man
wasn't scared abit. The next thing you know he looked in the
cupboard where all the medicines are kept to find a small child
eating gummy bears!
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| Posted by Dave Mcdonald on 14-Aug-2005 | Irish Jokesthere's an English man an irish man and a scottish bloke. they
all go into a bar, the irish man challenges the other to, to see
who can get their dog the furthest round the block with doing a
crap on the pavement. they agree.
The english man gets a 1/4 of the way round the scottish bloke
goes 1/2 way round and the irish man goes all the way round
twice.
suprised they ask him how he did it.
the irish bloke replies "me not silly me not dum me stick cork
up doggy bum"
how do you confuse an a irish man?
tell him to pee in the corner of a barrel.
the irish s.a.s were found camping out at battersea dogs home,
they had shot all the afgans.
a hot air balloon was stolen by the irish S.A.S it was last seen
bouncing off big ben.
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| Posted by Ishboo M. Sac on 14-Aug-2005 | The Mangrove Kona In ScouselandA ship is cruising from Kona (in Hawaii) to Goa. The ship is
called the Mangrove KONA hence where it sets off from. The ship
was run by the main ship company, Kenard. The ship also contains
1000 cars from the passengers on board and some of the staff.
I don't know whether you know but from Kona to Goa is a pretty
long way and they had to refuel. They planned to stop off at
Bristol but when 10 minutes away from the port they realised it
was closed for the day so they decided to go up the British
coast and stop at Liverpool.
It was a pretty hot day so the monsieur (in charge of the ship)
got out for a ride in his Porsche Boxster. He was driving around
whilst the ship was refilling and decided it was time for him to
have a refill. How silly was it to forget to put petrol in his
car?
He pulls into a Scouse petrol station and says, "will you please
put some petrol in and give it a clean."
Now I don't know whether you know this either but scousers talk
like this "alrite whak!" and include a lot of slang.
The scouser says, "yeh, a course. twenty quid, tat a'right."
The monsieur says "yes."
The scouser says "nice car tis. gotta good job? footballin'
maybe."
The monsieur says "I work on a ship. I'm a monsieur. I work for
Kenard."
The scouser says "ya wah? ya think I don't? I work fuckin' hard
aswell but I don't have a car like that."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
PS please don't rate this if you don't understand scouse, what
it is or how it works! Cheers!
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| Posted by Spud Head on 08-Aug-2005 | Three DaughtersA mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mum was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways." Mum took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mum fainted.
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