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| Posted by Dave L on 14-Aug-2005 | Walk up the Beam of LightAn Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all working as spies
for the UK Government during the cold war when they're captured
by the Ruskies.
Several years pass and the Russian prison starts to get a bit
full, and the oppurtunity arises for an exchange of prisoners.
The Russians talk and decide not to release anyone too high an
IQ and so come up with a simple test in order to decide who they
should release.
Now the cells the three guys are basically pits with high walls
and a door at the top to allow food to be thrown in and/or a
ladder to be lowered. So the Ruskies go along to the Englishmans
cell and shine a torch down to him. "Walk up the beam of light
and you can go free English!"
"FUCK OFF YOU RUSSIAN BASTARDS! I'M NOT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! I
CAN'T WALK UP A BEAM OF LIGHT!"
The russians leave and go to the Scotsmans cell and shine the
torch down to him. "Walk up the beam of light and you can go
free!"
"OCH! GAN BOIL YE HEID, YA RUSSIAN WANKERS! I CANNY WARK UP NAE
BEAM A FOCKING LIGHT!"
So the russians go to the Irishmans cell and shine the torch
down to him. "Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!"
"YA CAN'T FOOL ME YOU BASTARDS! YOU'LL TURN IT OFF WHEN I'M HALF
WAY UP!"
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| Posted by Shane Gonz on 08-Aug-2005 | Another gripe...Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
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| Posted by Dave Mcdonald on 14-Aug-2005 | Irish Jokesthere's an English man an irish man and a scottish bloke. they
all go into a bar, the irish man challenges the other to, to see
who can get their dog the furthest round the block with doing a
crap on the pavement. they agree.
The english man gets a 1/4 of the way round the scottish bloke
goes 1/2 way round and the irish man goes all the way round
twice.
suprised they ask him how he did it.
the irish bloke replies "me not silly me not dum me stick cork
up doggy bum"
how do you confuse an a irish man?
tell him to pee in the corner of a barrel.
the irish s.a.s were found camping out at battersea dogs home,
they had shot all the afgans.
a hot air balloon was stolen by the irish S.A.S it was last seen
bouncing off big ben.
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| Posted by Bess on 14-Aug-2005 | Fully Erected IrishWhat would happen if an Irish was walking blindfolded towards a
brick wall with a fully erect penis?
He'd break his nose.
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| Posted by Josh Price on 14-Aug-2005 | Irish IdiotA priest and a Irish man are having a game of golf together. The
Irish man takes the biggest swing ever............SMASH a huge
pile of dirt goes flying "OH JESUS CHRIST I F#@*!ING MISSED"
screamed the Irish man. "hey now you control your language" said
the priest in an angry tone. So they were up to the next hole
now. The Irish man took another almighty swing SWACK the dirt
goes flying. "OH F$#@ING HELL JESUS CHRIST I MISSED AGAIN"
screamed the Irish man "I'm telling you if you use that kind of
language again god will strike you with lightning" warned the
priest. The next hole now. The Irish man take another huge swing
SWUCK dirt again. "F$#@ING JESUS CHRIST I F$#@ING MISSED A
F$#@ING GAIN" SCREAMED the Irish man. SCREW PCRRRRR A HUGE
LIGHTNING BOLT STRUCK DOWN AND HIT THE PRIEST. From way up above
the Irish man heard "OH F$#@ING JESUS CHRIST I MISSED.
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| Posted by Bruce Henry on 14-Aug-2005 | An English-man, an Irish-man and a Scots-man
There was an English man, an Irish man and a scots man. They
found a dairy slice in a cave. the scots man goes into the cave
and a voice says whatever you do don't eat the slice. so the
scots man runs out. The English man goes in and does the same
thing. the irish man goes in and eats the dairy slice. The voice
goes "i warned you once, i warned you twice, i wipped my bum on
that dairy slice!"
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| Posted by whoagurl469 on 14-Aug-2005 | Drink drivingA man was driving home after a hard days drinking in a English
country pub. He was doing 80 mph down a narrow lane when he saw
two Welsh men walking up the lane towards him. They saw him
coming towards them at high speed and tried to get out of his
way. Unfortunatly for them the driver decided that they would
make good targets. He aimed his car directly at them and BANG,
he hit them. The first was thrown over a nearby hedge into a
farmer's field, the second smashed through his windscreen.
Thirty seconds later a police car turned up at the scene. The
police man got out of his car and asked the driver what had
happened. He tried to explain that he had only been doing 30 mph
and had tried to avoid the Welsh men but they jumped out in
front of his car and he could not avoid them. The police man was
having none of this and asked again what had happened. The
driver then replied that he had been doing 50mph and had a
couple of pints to drink. He had seen the Welsh men but only too
late and he had tried but failed to avoid them. The police man
was still suspisious, the driver was stinking of alcahol and
sluring his words, so he asked again.
This time the driver said that he had had about 10 pints, been
doing 80 mph, saw the Welsh men and meant to hit them.
The police man replied that he would do the man who had smashed
through the windscreen for breaking and entering and the man in
the field for leaving the scene of the crime and let the driver
go.
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| Posted by Erin E. Singma on 14-Aug-2005 | Letter from an Irish MotherDear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive. I'm
writing this letter slowly because I know that you can't read
fast. You won't know the house when you get home because we've
moved.
About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under
him; he cuts the grass at the cemetery. There was a washing
machine in the new house when we moved in but it hasn't been
working too good. Last week I put your father's shirt in, pulled
the chain and haven't seen it since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I don't know if it
is a boy or a girl yet so I can't tell you if you are an uncle
or an auntie. Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of
whiskey at the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to
save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and
it took 5 days to put out the fire.
I went to the doctor last Thursday and your father came with me.
The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to
talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it off him.
It rained last twice this week. First for 3 days then for 4. We
got a letter from the undertaker. He said that if the last
payment on your grandfathers plot isn't paid within 7 days, then
up he comes.
-Your loving mother
PS. I was going to send you 10 dollars but I had already sealed
the envelope.
(This joke was found in: "The Serious Joke Book" by George Coote)
Cool joke hey?
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| Posted by rubberducky2001 on 14-Aug-2005 | Irish JokesHow do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the door!
How do you sink an Irish submarine again?
Knock on the door and they will open the window and say "I'm not
falling for that one again"!
How do you know that an Irishman has been using Microsoft Word?
Eraser marks on the screen!
How do you know that an Irishman has been using the computer?
Cheese near to the mouse!
There was an Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman and they had a
dare to jump off a building to see if they survive. The English
and Scotsman jumped off and died. It took 2 weeks to clean up
the Scotsman and (as English are fatter than Scots) it took 4
weeks to clean the Englishman up. The Irishman jumped off, hit a
post and slid down to safety. It took 6 weeks to wipe the smile
off the Irishman's face!
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| Posted by Christ on 14-Aug-2005 | Welsh FarmerA hiker is walking through the fields of Wales when he sees a
Welsh farmer holding a sheep. The sheep seems to be in some
distress so the hiker wanders over to the farmer to enquire what
he is doing. "Are you shearing?" asks the man "No, get your
own!!!" came the reply.
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