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| Posted by Milan Stromile on 14-Aug-2005 | British Humor on ECThe British have not lost their touch for hilarious slurs on
their fellow Europeans...
Are you ready to join a Federal Europe? Try this simple quiz to
determine just how European you really are...
1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy
her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice
there is a large queue. What do you do?
a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue
is shorter.
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, "Ich
leber stomph das bustenholten!"
2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly
swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you
react?
a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know
you're annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other
car, leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet
shouting, "Bastardo! Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"
3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive
looking woman (or man) passes by. Do you:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her bottom
then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together
with twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic little
scooters, making a variety of crude and suggestive remarks
4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it's 12
o'clock. What do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes
later.
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the
task at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.
5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and
weary looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to
jump up and down on its back until it falls over and dies.
Then go to sleep for six hours.
6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish.
Do you:
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round
and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions
and garlic, smoking Gitane and drinking 48 litres of wine.
7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the
first thing you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging
them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not
seen them for twenty years.
8. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly well
kept. Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of
grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence
onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he
complains, shoot him.
9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady
being mugged by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight
the youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by
waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper back
to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out
how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced
timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives.
10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you
celebrate? Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old
Fiat with six people on the roof, screaming Ole' ole' ole'
ole' at the top of your voice waving your arms out of the
windows and honking the bloody horn all night.
Clearly if you are a true European you would have answered C to
all of the above.
This is what we really want in Europe:
1) Swiss salary.
2) Luxembourg taxes.
3) German car.
4) British home.
5) Spanish girls.
6) French wine.
7) Italian food.
8) Belgian beer.
9) Austrian mountains.
10) Danish administration.
And this is the EC's proposal for a Europe after EMU:
1) Portuguese salary.
2) Swedish taxes.
3) Spanish car.
4) Greek home.
5) East German girls.
6) German wine.
7) British food.
8) French beer.
9) Dutch mountains.
10) Italian administration.
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| Posted by Bruce R. Wood on 14-Aug-2005 | Italian Conversation on a BusA bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves,
and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind
them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;
"Emma comes first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I
come again. Two asses they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I'mma just tellun my
friend howa to spella Mississippi."
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| Posted by Milehigh on 14-Aug-2005 | Flies in BeerAn Englishman, a Dutchman and an Irishman walk into a bar. They
all order a beer. Three disgusting flies fly into each one of
their beers. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust. The
surprised Dutchman simply takes out the fly and drinks the beer.
The Irishman takes out the fly, hold it over his mug and yells
"Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"
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| Posted by Hey_baby_:) on 14-Aug-2005 | Actual letters to the council1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt out my knob off
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls
against my fence
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the
outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that
blew them off
5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from
the wall
7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant
8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my
wife is about to become expectant mother
10. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers
11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared
12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is funny
colour and not fit to drink
13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now its in three
pieces
14. Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old
pensioner and need it straight away
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every
morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would
like a third so will you please send someone around to do
something about it
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be
pleased if you do something about the noise made by the man I
have on top of me every night
19. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and
satisfy my wife
20. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six
times, but still have no satisfaction
21. We are getting married in September and would like it in the
garden before we move into the house
22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and
we can't get BBC2.
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| Posted by rebekah on 14-Aug-2005 | A Job for MamaMaria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she
was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her
mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll
take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony
took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran
downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big
hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took
off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran
downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants
and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went
again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his
left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job
for Mama."
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| Posted by Prabesh Neupane on 14-Aug-2005 | Bull's BallsThere was a guy who was searching for the most potent
aphrodisiac in the world . He went to a Chinese herbal coctor
who told him that bull's balls were the most potent one.
He then went to Spain, the bull-fighting capital of the world.
He found a restaurant in Pamplona who specialized in serving
bull's balls. He then was able to gorge himself out day in and
day out of this aphrodisiac. One day, he noticed that his
serving of bull's balls were smaller. He then asked the waiter
what happened. The waiter replied non-chanantly, "Well senor,
sometimes the bull wins."
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| Posted by Joe Collins on 14-Aug-2005 | Honeymoon in MinnesotaOllie and Olga were two Norwegians in the United States who were
madly in love. They decided to be married in the middle of duck
hunting season and have their honeymoon in Minnesota. They could
not afford to fly, so the had to take a bus from Chicago through
Wisconsin with a bunch of duck hunters. The bus is driving
along, and all of a sudden it breaks down in the middle of
Milwaukee. So while they are waiting, the duck hunters go inside
a coffee shop. Outside, Ollie, who is much to anxious to wait
for Minnesota, asks Olga, "Hey Olga, you vant to mess around in
the bushes?"
Olga replies quite upset, "No! I vant to vait until Minnesota so
it tis right!" Ollie is disappointed, but leaves it at that.
Soon after they are back on the road.
But a few hours later, the bus breaks down again in the middle
of Madison. So while they are waiting AGAIN, the duck hunters go
inside a coffee shop. Outside, Ollie, who is still quite
"antsy," again asks Olga, "Hey Olga, you vant to mess around in
the bushes?"
Olga replies, "I've already to you! No! I vant to vait until
Minnesota so it tis right!" Ollie is once again disappointed but
says nothing. The bus is soon ready and begins back on the
journey to Minnesota with the duck hunters who are anxiously
waiting.
The bus does not get any further than Wisconsin Dells when it
breaks down AGAIN! The duck hunters go inside the coffee shop,
very annoyed thinking that they may actually miss duck hunting
season. Olga, trying to avoid Ollie, followed the duck hunters
inside the coffee shop and kinda overheard the duck hunters'
conversation.
After Olga gets her coffee she goes outside and whispers to
Ollie, "Hey Ollie, you vant to mess around in the bushes?"
Ollie, quite shocked replies, "But I thought you vanted to vait
until Minnesota!"
Olga quickly answers, "Ya, I did...But I the duck hunters vere
talking in the coffee shop, and they said 'By the time ve get to
Minnesota, the FUCKING season vill be over'."
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| Posted by frank a. magallanes on 14-Aug-2005 | Being Excuted on GuillotineAn Englishman, an American, and a Pollock are being executed by
way of the guillotine.
Before they were executed the executioner would ask them if they
had any last requests before they were beheaded. He also added
that if the machine happened to malfunction that they would be
set free and the case would be dropped.
The Englishman steps up and the executioner asks him "What is
your last request?" The Englishman, being a man who has great
pride in his country says "Hail Queen Elizabeth!" And with
that, he puts his head in and the executioner lets go. A
miracle happens and the blade stops about an inch from his neck
and he is set free.
Then, the American steps up and the executioner asks him the
same question. The American, having great pride in his country
says, "Remember all the lives lost in the Alamo." And with
that, he puts his head in and the executioner lets go. Another
miracle happens and the blade stops an inch from his neck and he
is set free.
The Pollock steps up and says, "Do you know that you have a knot
in your rope?"
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| Posted by Charles Jupe on 14-Aug-2005 | Princess Horny One dark stormy day in the 1600's there was a princess. She
did not have a husband so the kind never let her had sex.
Whenever she asks "daddy PLEASE LET ME HAVE A HUSBAND" he says
no. She was very horny every day and playing with her self was
not enough for her so every day she begged.
Finally one day the kind lossens up and says "WE WILL GATHER
ALL THE MEN IN THE LAND AND THE ONE WITH THE BIGGEST BALLS WILL
HAVE MY DAUGHTER." This news was quicly spred amoung all the
people and 3 very horny people like the princess wanted this.
Bob, the first person went to the town doctor. He asked for
some potion that will make his balls huge. The doctor gave him
a red potion and said take 1 drop a weak on your balls so he
did. He went to see the king and showed him his balls. The
king was impresed and put Bob in the lead.
Mallroy, the second person also went to the town doctor. He
asked for some potion that will make his balls huge. The doctor
gave him the same red potion and said take this 1 time a weak on
your balls but he wanted huge huge balls so he took it 4 drops a
weak. He went to the king and showed him his balls. Thie king
was very impressed and put him in the lead.
Leroy, the third person also went to the doctor and asked
for the same thing only 10 of them. The doctor asked him what
he wanted all of them for you only need 1 but Leroy didnt
answer. The doctor said take 1 drop a weak on your balls but
Leroy knew that would not be enoguh so he used 1 whole bottel
each day. He went to the kind and the king said "SHOW ME YOUR
BALLS." At that Leroy shouted out "ROLL THEM IN JHONNY!!!!!"
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| Posted by missa whowantstoknow on 14-Aug-2005 | Women rights...It happened that all the women of the world gathered togheter to
make up an experiment: how would their husbands respond to
womens' refuse of making the house work...
After one month they gathered again to see the results of
experiment:
Mary from England says: "Well, i went home and told John, my
husband, that i refuse to work anymore. So first day i didn't
see much thing, but after a week i could see that John started
to make food, wash dishes, and all the stuff."
Marie from France says: "I went home and told Jean that i won't
work anymore in the house. So, the first day i didn't see much
thing, but after a week i could see that Jean started to take
care of kids, make the cleaning, iron the clothes, and so on."
Maria from Romania says: "I went home and told my Ion that i
will stop working in the house. So, the first day i didn't see
much thing, but after a week i started to see with my left
eye..."
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