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| Posted by Jameelah S. Bullock on 14-Aug-2005 | List of English Mis-TranslationsIn a Tokyo Hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis."
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable."
In a Leipzig elevator:
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
"To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national
order."
In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the fob of the
chambermaid."
In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday."
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
"Drop your trousers here for best results."
Outside a Paris dress shop:
"Dresses for street walking."
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation."
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years."
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other for
that purpose."
In a Zurich hotel:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose."
In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having
a good time."
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages."
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
In a Bangkok temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as
a man."
In a Tokyo bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
"ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
In a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty."
In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."
In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
In a Tokyo shop:
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best
in the long run."
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
"Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself."
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage
then tootle him with vigor."
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
"- English well talking."
"- Here speeching American."
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| Posted by Rik Armstrong on 14-Aug-2005 | A Visitors' Guide to Dallas, TexasA Visitors' Guide to Dallas, Texas
(Life in America's fifth largest city)
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or
DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has
its own version of traffic rules....Hold on and pray. There is
no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all
drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline"...which has
no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a
"scenic drive."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday
morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one
on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green
before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same
holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and
Routh Street.
8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of
entertainment.
9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh,
we're in Fort Worth!!"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably
a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the
right of way.
12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross
intersections. Unless you're on Storey Rd......
13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of
Spanish.
14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal
buildings connected by one tram that never works.
15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of
four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted
minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas
North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright
sissy.
16. The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn't
ornamental.
17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker
that says,"Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at
anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given
right.
18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph
zone...people are not waving when they go by.
19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.
20. LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and
"trap."
21. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
22. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live
Stock show is going on.
23. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson
Golf Classic is in the second round.
24. Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports,
etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as
possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
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| Posted by babygirl on 14-Aug-2005 | Your a pig This man named Ken Said hi pig to Ashly every time he would see
he. After a few weeks she was mad and filed him for harrasment
and took him to court. That day Ashly won the case. Ken couldn't
call ashly pig any more. So he went up to the judes wondering if
he could call a pig Ashly. He said that wouldn't matter. So on
the way out ken said hi ashly.
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| Posted by Anton Ko on 14-Aug-2005 | Wow!!!!this girl went on a matchmaking website, and put an ad there.
after a week, three people had responded. so she told them her
address and gave each a time to stop by at her house. they had to
tell her the most interesting thing that happened to them this
week, and the one with the most interesting one is the person
she would go out with. so the next day the first guy showed up
while she was in the shower so she put on a towel and asked "so
what's up?". the
guy responded "my dog had puppies!". she gave him a look and
slammed the door in his face. when the next guy arrived, she got
out of the shower put on the towel, and went out.she asked him
the same question that she asked the first guy. this person
resonded"i won a thousand dollars"! "Cool" was all she said, and
closed the door. when the last person arrived, she was still in
the shower. as she was about to put on the towel,she remebered
the guy was blind."whats the use of a towel"?, she thought. as
she opened the door he was wearing dark sunglasses(the ones
where you can't see out of them). she asked him the question,
and he said" well i just got back from the docter, and... I CAN
SEE!!!!". he yanked off the glasses and he immediatly got a
boner, and started shouting"WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW,
THANK YOU GOD, OW BABY!!!
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| Posted by Melissa Pena on 14-Aug-2005 | Things your mom would never say1.How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
2.Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
3.Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another
week.
4.Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed
and walk him every day.
5.That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
6.Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
7.The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like
I'm running a prison around here.
8.Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house
look bad.
9.Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
10.Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out
if you're in trouble.
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| Posted by Chris Frat on 14-Aug-2005 | Osama Bin Laden And PantyhoseWhat do Osama Bin Laden and pantyhose have in common?
They both irritate Bush.
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| Posted by Xerxes on 14-Aug-2005 | Fourth of July in England?Does England have a fourth of July?
Yes, it also has a first and second.
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| Posted by JonHui666 on 14-Aug-2005 | Whos driving?There was an American and a british guy in a car whos driving?
THE COPS!
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| Posted by Cute Red Head on 14-Aug-2005 | Magic Mountain Of ShitOne time three people a canadian, a american, and a chinise
person. heard about a mountain that if you jumped of it and
said something you'd land in it. So they decided they'd try it
when the got there the American jumped of it and yelled money
and landed in millions of dollars. then the canadian ran and
jumped off and he yelled hot naked woman and he landed in a pile
of hot naked woman. Finally the chinse guy ran for the edge and
tripped yelled SHIT and he landed in a pile of shit.
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| Posted by Dazza on 14-Aug-2005 | Earthquake!!If the entire population of China jumped off of a 1 foot step
ladder at the exact same moment, an earthquake of 10 on the
Richter scale would be felt in the United States of America.
But, since the population of China is three times that of the
US, if the entire population of the USA jumped off of a
three-foot step ladder at the same time, at the exact right
moment, that earthquake would be sent back to China.
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